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Moving on after a divorce is crucial to your well-being. It can also be very difficult to face, especially if you were married for many years. When the bulk of your life was tied to and perhaps dependent upon another person, divorce can make you feel like you are somehow a failure. But there is another way to look at your life; for example, it's a new life, new beginning and there can be lots of exciting new things!
Some helpful ways to make your transition easier after a divorce include the following ideas:
If you are relocating, most every city usually has an information packet, or a welcoming website that will help orient you with the various companies you will need to contact in order to establish services for your new life and home. For example, the electric, cable, telephone and other companies, change of address forms, and how and where to get a new drivers license.
There are many free community resources as well that provide tremendous emotional and social support. For example, support groups, divorce recovery groups, and religious based groups--it helps to seek out people who are in similar situations, because they can be good at providing emotional support and communication.
One of the many challenges that make divorce so difficult is that while you are dealing with the divorce itself, you still have to get on with a new life for yourself and your children.
Things you can do to launch a new life:
Phone Home--a lot of people often become so involved with their nuclear family that they have lost track of other relatives and friends. Reestablishing ties with parents, siblings, and friends can help create your own personal support group to help boost your self esteem and help you through the difficult times.
Pay Attention To Your Health--It is important to take care of yourself physically during times of stress. Without your health, what have you got? So eat properly and be active! Remember your physical health is tied to your emotional health.
Reconnect With Yourself-- Start a journal about your feelings during this difficult time and help rebuild your life.
Supplement Your Education-- Go back to school to improve your skills or get back into the workforce after staying home to raise children.
Enjoy a Makeover--As well as taking care of the internal well-being, people may want to make some exterior changes during this transition period.
Home Improvement-- Improve your surroundings or change things around to help you enter into your new life.
A Little Help from Your Friends- This is a good time to expand your social circle- it is important to build your support network, join organizations, and reconnect with old friends you may have lost touch with over the years.
Emotionally, this can be a difficult and challenging time. It is important to be patient with yourself and give yourself time to adjust. This can be a scary, lonely, confused, happy and exciting time all at once.
Robert Schwartz, a prominent divorce attorney in Phoenix, Arizona, was interviewed and asked for recommendations for women who become involved in the process of divorce.
He said that divorce has three or four phases: the pre-divorce stage, the divorce stage, post divorce and recovery:
Pre-divorce- for many people this is the most difficult time- the shock of the impending divorce, reality of a new life, financial issues, child visitation and custody issues, anger and a feeling of “ How will I survive?”
Divorce- in this stage you are dealing with legal fees, court issues, the feeling of "Will it ever end?", anger and reality.
Post-Divorce- can include feelings of loneliness, financial issues, child issues, knowing that the family is divided and there are new people to deal with in your life such as boyfriends, girlfriends and new extended family members, and feelings of "Where am I going to live? Am I going to buy a new house?"
Recovery- Working on losing the anger, adjustments, and and a sense of moving on.
Schwartz added that everybody goes through two divorces, the emotional divorce and the physical divorce. They don’t necessarily coincide with each other. One of the parties has usually gone through the emotional divorce far in advance to the actual filing of the divorce. The other party is faced with “what just happened” when they have already gone through the divorce in their head. Some parties never go through the emotional divorce or it takes a very long time and that leads to anger and other issues.
By the time the marriage ends, each partner’s feelings of self-worth has generally taken a plunge. Sometimes, self-esteem is damaged over time because of the constant barrage of negative feedback received from a spouse, feelings of rejection, or failure. This hard hit to self-esteem comes at a bad time for divorcing people when they must go out and on their own and build a new life. Feelings of self-worth are most important at this time. Psychiatrist David Burns compares self-esteem to faith: both can move mountains!
Researcher Judith Wallerstein wrote of her amazement of how long divorced people would carry around negative self-images formed during their poor marriages. Your self-esteem can be shaped and these are some helpful ways to get started:
Your feelings and self-worth are closely tied to your perceptions and thoughts about yourself. For a week or so, keep track of the things that you say to yourself and write them down. You may find that you are telling yourself a lot of negative things. Once you become tuned into your negative self-talk, you can talk back to yourself and break this self-defeating habit. Talk to yourself as you would to a friend. Remind yourself of your positive attributes.
Write down everything that you like about yourself and everything that you have going for you. Include all of your good qualities, strengths, skills, hobbies, talents and goals. This list is very helpful to counteract your negative self-talk. How you feel about yourself affects your behavior, which influences the way people respond about you.
Self-esteem is enhanced by new accomplishments in your life. It can be helpful to develop some new interests or hobbies. Make a list each day of what you feel you have accomplished and give yourself credit for them!
The late Virginia Satir, a very well known therapist, suggested you make a list of five adjectives that best describe you, indicate next to each adjective whether you perceive it as positive or negative trait. Then take all of the negative traits and see if you can find something positive about it. One man realized that what he perceived as a “weakness” made him a more sensitive person. A woman described herself to her divorce group as “wishy-washy”, and was surprised to hear that other members of the group thought of her as flexible.
Whenever you have the time, surround yourself and spend time with people who are supportive, who like you, who make you feel good about yourself. Remember to limit your time with people who are critical of you or judgmental.
Pay attention to the compliments other people may give you and incorporate them into your view of yourself.
Join a divorce group. The caring and empathy offered in these groups can be very helpful for your self-esteem. Look into community resources, such as religious based and community agencies for other support groups and ways to meet people. A therapeutic relationship with a counselor may also be helpful at this time to help improve your self-esteem.
Add a Comment13 Comments
I like the prespective of reconnecting with your family. In my experience, I was so focused on my marriage which we could not get to work that I lost touch with my friend and family.
November 7, 2010 - 9:36amThis Comment
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This Comment
It is important sometimes to examine life-changing events objectively. This article helped me to do just that so that I can have a good coping strategy moving forward. Thank you for your insight.
November 4, 2010 - 1:38pmThis Comment
thank you for the great ideas!! an independent perspective is always helpful.
November 3, 2010 - 9:20pmThis Comment
I appreciate the guidance and perspective. This is a very difficult challenge in one's life and understanding that there's life after divorce helps to provide hope.
November 3, 2010 - 10:46amThis Comment
Great advice to provide to friends who are going thru a divorce.
November 3, 2010 - 7:42amThis Comment
This is very helpful...and thorough. You should write a book.
November 2, 2010 - 9:25pmThis Comment
Great article with very good advice! Take a little time to focus on You and surround yourself with positive supportive people.
November 2, 2010 - 4:14pmThis Comment
I think one of the best things you can do for yourself is attend a DivorceCare group. It really helps being around people who understand what you are going through. They have a searchable database of groups so that you can find one nearby. It's located at http://www.divorcecare.org. They also have a companion program for children called "DivorceCare for Kids (DC4K).
November 2, 2010 - 2:17pmThis Comment
this is a timely and relevant article. very useful information this is nuts and bolts that can really help focus on some of the real problems post divorce thank you
November 2, 2010 - 1:37pmThis Comment