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Before diving immediately into online dating after the demise of a past relationship, you need to take an online dating – or for that matter any kind of dating – inventory. You need to be emotionally and mentally prepared for the next relationship. There are players and scammers out there who are only interested in conquests and money. But when you are serious about finding that Mr. Right or at least the Mr. Right for You, you really need to make sure you’re ready.
You may think you’re ready. Your past Mr. Right turned out not to be or perhaps you’re a widow. But are you really? Not taking a few moments to evaluate why you are even considering looking for another guy, what kind of guy you’re looking for, and what you expect from a relationship can make the difference between establishing a healthy relationship and not.
Beware of Rebounds
This one is rather obvious, but always bears mention. Beware of the desire to find another guy, just to get back at the past one. An attitude of revenge or the desire to incite jealousy is not a healthy base for a new relationship.
Your main reason for starting to date should be to find companionship for you, not to exact revenge on someone else.
Rebounding doesn’t mean you no longer have any feelings at all when you think of your ex or spouse who has passed on. In most situations, you will always have feelings for them. But be careful that you’re not looking to get connected with another guy who will replace your last partner. The new guy should not “complete” you. He should “contribute” to who you are, but you should reach a point where you are also looking to contribute to who he is. If all you’re looking for is for what he can give you, you’re not ready.
Time to Settle
In any situation where there has been a break up of a relationship, whether through break up, divorce, or death, give yourself time to settle into a new life. Particularly where there is a long-term relationship to reconcile, and particularly in situation where are children who have to adjust to a completely new life, give you and your family a chance to emotionally heal from the past relationship, and then get settled in the new rhythm of life before you add someone else to the mix.
There is no set time frame. It has been suggested that in a divorce situation that a person should wait five years before dating again. Some will decide not to date again. Others will be ready to move on sooner than others. Again, it comes back to taking a mental and emotional health inventory before jumping back in the ring.
Matching Personality Characteristics
Making sure you’re looking for the right personality mix is crucial to the long-term success of a relationship. Compatibility doesn’t necessarily mean that you agree on everything. Compatibility means your partner – while not “completing” you – fills in the gaps of your personality. For example, if you’re a great at organizing a household, but have difficulty with “Mr. Fix-it” type things, you’ll want someone who is handy. If you’re one that tends to be timid and a homebody, you want to balance that with a guy who is a little more, or perhaps a lot more outgoing, and motivated to do things that you both like.
Compatibility is not about “completing” you. It’s about “balancing” against your personality tendencies.
That is not to say that you shouldn’t have things in common. It is important for you to have similar likes, dislikes, activities, political and religious views. Too much variation or difference in these areas can mean a relationship undergirded with conflict. But you want some variety so that your life doesn’t get stuck in a rut. After all, life needs a little excitement and variety. Your likes don’t have to be identical to your new guy, but you want a balance between yours and his. Don’t be afraid to learn new things, but still have enough commonalities that you can enjoy things together.
Beware of creating an image of the “perfect” man that’s too perfect, though. The movie star romantic fantasies we sometimes make up for ourselves can be unrealistic and can eliminate perfectly good guys just for the sake of fulfilling something we conjured out of our imaginations. There are certain things you shouldn’t compromise on such as if you have children, you want a man who is comfortable with children, if not a parent himself. You need to decide which aspects are most important to you and stick to those. But you also need to be realistic about which things you can live without or might be willing to be flexible on.
Taking mental inventory, making sure you’re healed and settled after the last relationship, and looking for someone who will balance your personality, not “complete” you, are crucial steps to determining whether or not you’re ready to date whether it’s online or anywhere else. A new, long-term, healthy relationship can only happen when there is no emotional baggage lingering from a past relationship. That needs to be cleared out and dealt with before you can give your heart to someone else.
Don’t be afraid to take the time you need to make sure you can give 100 percent to the new relationship. If you don’t think you can give 100 percent, then you’re not ready.
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