Carmelite priest and mystic John of the Cross taught, “In the end we shall be judged on love alone.” Jesus taught, “Love your enemies, pray for those who hurt you.” The virtue of love is embedded in this guide.
Some daughters of narcissistic mothers are able to maintain a modicum of contact (see Part I). Certainly that is the most loving path.
My personal decision 15 months ago was to go no-contact. I finally had to surrender my desire to be perfect by trusting in a God who loves me enough and who also wants my emotional health and freedom.
I have attained a previously unknown state of emotional equilibrium and wholeness since going no-contact. If my decision was wrong, I trust God loves me enough in spite of it. To quote Joan of Arc, "If I am not in the state of grace, may God put me there; and if I am, may God so keep me."
The following guide is how I found healing from my narcissistic mother. If you are seeking the same, I recommend printing out the guide, returning to it and reflecting on it frequently. Godspeed.
A 10-Step Guide to Going No-Contact From Your Narcissistic Mother
1) Find a counselor, psychologist or spiritual director.
Make and keep regular appointments.
2) With the help of your counselor, start setting, or reinforcing, boundaries with your abusive mother.
- “Please don’t stop by without calling.”
- “Please call me only once a week.”
- “Please don’t criticize me/my spouse to the children.”
3) Renew your spiritual practice or find a new one.
Prayer, meditation, mindfulness and spiritual reading are nurturing practices to heal you from the inside out.
4) Learn the art of self-care.
Daughters of narcissistic mothers are notoriously bad at self-care. Make a habit of mothering yourself: take a nap when you’re tired, eat when you’re hungry, keep your water glass full.
Budget for a good haircut. Organize your closet, discarding ill-fitting or worn out clothes. Decide you are worth the time and effort it takes to exercise.