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On Leaving Your Mother, Part I: Letter to a Narcissist's Daughter

By HERWriter
 
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On Leaving Mother, Part I: Letter to the Daughter of a Narcissist Unsplash/Pixabay

Letter to the Daughter of a Narcissist

Dear Kate,

The first Thanksgiving after going "no contact" with my mother, after our guests had left and and the kitchen was put back in order, and the leftovers stashed in the fridge, my husband and I made our way to the porch, lit a bonfire and relaxed. Simple.

But in 20 years of marriage, it was the first time we had ever relaxed after a holiday. Our contentment was the direct result of my mother having been absent, prevented from sowing seeds of discord, anxiety and self-doubt. It was the first holiday during which the convening hours were not spent recovering from an emotional hangover.

Peace and tranquility should not feel like guilty pleasures.

Forgive your grandparents for defending your mother. If their daughter has alienated you, she has likely made a mess of other areas of her life. They are hurting for her. For your own peace, ask your grandparents not to discuss your mother with you. That's triangulation, and unhealthy.

Sending emissaries to persuade you of your bad behavior is the tool narcissists use to manipulate you from afar.

You will be admonished by well-meaning people. My answer to those who don't understand how I could sever ties with my mother is this: the need for a mother's love is primal. For a person to forego that relationship, to end contact with her mother, indicates something was terribly amiss.

I know a few people, men and women, who have left their abusive mothers for their own survival. It is a last resort, an act of self-preservation.

No one walks away from her mother for trifling reasons.

All of my motherless friends, whatever their ages, myself included, have a vacancy where the love of a mother should be. Please find someone to help walk you through this. My decision took years of counseling (ten) and spiritual direction (six). Don't try to do it alone.

When people tell you “Get over it,” or “Move on,” remind yourself that recovering from childhood abuse by a narcissistic mother is a lifelong process of healing.

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EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Thankyou Misty!
great article!
I have a Narc sister, whom I have cut all ties with.So, I understand ,from a slightly different point of view.
My sister has always been jealous of me,a final straw was no support during cancer treatment, from her,then she started one of her classic angry, voilotile fights with me, after Dad died, I got anxiety and decided to just keep away.
A relationship with. A narc will never work.Ever.
I know how strong you have had to be.I know how narcs ruin relationships with other family members and friends who get sucked in by them.
They are controlling, manipulative, conniving and impossible to have a healthy relationship with.
Thanks for being brave and speaking up.Great article.

September 3, 2015 - 4:38pm
HERWriter (reply to Anonymous)

Hi, 

Thank you for reading. Relationships are difficult even when both parties are 100% invested in a loving outcome — impossible when only one person plays by the rules.

Thanks for sharing your story.

September 6, 2015 - 7:19am
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We value and respect our HERWriters' experiences, but everyone is different. Many of our writers are speaking from personal experience, and what's worked for them may not work for you. Their articles are not a substitute for medical advice, although we hope you can gain knowledge from their insight.

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