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Last time we talked, I mentioned my embarrassing new problem: vaginal dryness, and how I came to realize the dry-dry wasn’t going bye-bye. In fact, it was getting worse. I had to take action. I had to, in short, find the perfect personal lubricant.
I turned to my girlfriends but one after another, they’d clam up, pretending like it was Niagara Falls every time they had sex. Jody, over lunch one day, reached for my hand across the table and squeezed it hard.
“Yeah, well,” I swallowed hard. “I’ll figure it out. Someday.”
I turned to Google and typed in, “personal lubricant.” There was so much choice, I felt a sugar addict in Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory. My favorite link was, “licking vaginal dryness without a prescription.” What are they thinking? Everyone knows you don’t need a prescription to have oral sex.
There are “Liquid Silk” lubes, “Good Head Gels,” flavored lubes, vegan-safe lubes, and just plain “Slippery Stuff”. They “Devour me Lickable,” “Astroglide,” and “Hydrosmooth.” They’re sugar-free and “Sliquid Sassy.” There’s even a lube that comes in the form of pearl-sized capsules you insert in your vagina before sex. The heat is supposed to dissolve the capsules but I’d probably sneeze and turn into a human be-be gun.
Eventually I hit on the idea of eliminating lubes with ingredients I couldn’t pronounce, such as dimethiconepropylene or tetrahydroxypropyl ethylenediamine. That helped but I still couldn’t decide. So, after careful deliberation, I went to plan B. I’d let the boyfriend decide.
I was in the kitchen mixing up instant mashed potatoes. The prince was splayed out on the couch, reading a magazine.
“Honey,” I said my mouth full of potato. “Have you noticed something’s missing from our sex life?”
He lifted his head over a pile of decorative pillows. “Oh no,” he moaned. “Am I in trouble?”
I laughed. “No, no,” I said. “It’s just that things seem a little dry when they should be wet.”
I cut to the chase. “What’s your frank opinion on personal lubricants?”
There was silence. I wiped a clump potato off my chin with a tea towel.
“It’s not my fault,” he said defensively.
“I know, honey,” I said reassuringly. “You are a well trained puppy. It’s a menopause thing and frankly, I can’t seem to decide on a personal lubricant.”
The prince let out a sigh of relief. Danger averted. “I’ll be right back,” he said jumping up. “Got a little surprise for you.”
I stared at the door as it slammed behind him. I do so love a man who takes charge, I smiled to myself. But where is he going? And what would he bring back?
What would you want your significant other to bring back for you? Please, send your thoughts to The Pink Wrangler through the ASK section at www.empowher.com/ask. Stay tuned for what happens next in, How to Live the Lube Life, Part Two: Slip, Slide and Away We Go.
© 2008 ZANTIUM LLC
About Pamela Tames
Everyone knows you only talk about sex in secret. Everyone but me that is. I’m Pamela Tames and you can hear more about my take on sex and the older woman at www.ridethepinkelephant.com. Who’s doing it, how they’re doing it, and what keeps them doing it. Now, for those all thinking, ‘that’s got to be one short website,’ let me respectfully say, ‘oh, so wrong.’
See for yourself at www.ridethepinkelephant.com But please, don’t tell anyone. It’s a secret.
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