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Emotional Abuse: The Invisible Marriage Killer

By HERWriter
 
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Mental Health related image Photo: Photospin - Auremar

Physical and verbal abuse are forms of “visible” abuse. Scars and bruises, raised voices and demeaning and hurtful words are signals to others that something is not quite right in the relationship. It’s also easier for a wife to see and recognize that’s she’s being abused.

Emotional abuse, however, is much more insidious and not quite as visible. Certainly, a wife’s self-esteem and spirit are battered along with her body in the case of physical and verbal abuse, but a husband can kill his wife’s spirit without even raising a hand or voice against her. For this reason, many women don’t even know they’re being abused, or if they do it’s a long and difficult battle not only to work to repair the damage done themselves, but to get the abuser to recognize the harm that he’s done.

What are the signs of mental abuse?

“Emotional abuse is any nonphysical behavior or attitude that controls, intimidates, subjugates, demeans, punishes or isolates another person by using degradation, humiliation or fear” (www.focusonthefamily.com).

“Nonphysical behavior or attitude” can safely be interpreted to mean neglect, invalidating another’s thoughts and feelings, and refusing to acknowledge the needs of the other (whether intentionally or not). Over a period of time, this kind of emotional climate in a marriage can squeeze the life out of a marriage and out of a wife.

There is a difference between experiencing or inflicting emotional hurt and being emotionally abusive—it is important to make this distinction. Abuse is a cycle. It is not a once-in-a-while event that happens and hurts someone else. In many “ordinary” hurtful cases, apologies can be offered if truly sincere and heal the rift that the hurt has caused. Many hurts are unintentional, and if they were, there is (hopefully) remorse on the part of the person who inflicted that hurt, once the anger, frustration, etc., calms down and cooler heads prevail. With emotional abuse there is none of this. Like other forms of abuse, there can be apologies and promises to never do it again, and there is hope in the beginning that behaviors and attitudes will change—often referred to as the “honeymoon phase”—but somewhere in the back of many a wife’s mind, she knows that it’s only a matter of time before the abuser settles back into old routines.

The Profile of an Emotional Abuser

At the heart of an emotionally abusive husband is his need to ultimately be in control. He feels inadequate and harbors distorted beliefs about women and marriage, usually learned from an abusive father or other dominant male influence, or sometime due to lack of decent male role modeling in how to treat women. In many cases, but not all, an emotionally abusive husband can be manipulative and heavy-handed in keeping his wife “under his thumb”. The abusive husband is “self-referenced”, which means he only sees and considers things from his point of view; he deliberately refuses to or is incapable of looking at things from another’s perspective. “Selfish” and “self-referenced” are two different words and can be described this way: the “self-referenced person would give you the shirt off his back, but he doesn’t know you need it. The self-referenced person frequently violates the marriage partnership by acting without thoughtfully considering his partner’s point of view and needs” (Amy Wildman White). The abusive husband is also emotionally dependent on his wife; that is, his feeling of self-worth comes from being married. Most emotionally abusive husbands are unable to look at and examine themselves and why they engage in such spirit-killing behavior against a person they have avowed to love and cherish.

The Profile of an Emotionally Abused Wife

Women who find themselves in an emotionally abusive situation often have low self-esteems even though they may appear confident and in control of everything. An emotionally abused wife “looks to her husband’s acceptance of her as the measure of her worth” (White).

Unlike a man, who typically finds his identity through work, and academic or athletic achievement, “[a] woman’s identity is often based on her relationships” (White) this makes her vulnerable to abusive relationships.

One of the most common characteristics of an emotionally abused woman is that she is unable to enjoy sexual experiences with her husband. This is due to the deterioration of the trust and the lack of friendship and intimacy over the time of the relationship. Add on top of this societies’, her husbands’ and the church’s views that she’s not a good wife if she doesn’t meet her husband’s sexual needs and she may feel perpetually trapped in her marriage. What many people (including counselors and pastors) fail to realize is that “[t]he wife in these situations experiences intercourse as an indignity, almost as rape, because the physical and the deeply personal, loving aspects of sex…[i]ntimacy and trust, which lay the necessary foundation for a woman to respond sexually, have been removed from the relationship” (White) and she is left to emotionally detach herself from the situation just to survive—at the cost of her soul and spirit.

Call to Action

It’s time to lift the veil from these situations and recognize how much a person’s soul and spirit can be damaged without physical and verbal abuse. Abuse doesn’t have to come in the form of acting out a form of punishment, or lashing out with temper and words. Abuse can also be withholding affection, or never saying a kind word. It takes a strong woman to stand up against what everyone is telling her is her duty and recognize that this kind of situation is not okay, and to talk about it until somebody listens.

If you believe you are in an emotionally abusive marriage—which can take many forms to keep a wife dependant on a husband (a virtual prisoner in her own house)—or you’re not even sure if what you’re experiencing is emotional abuse, please join us in the Marital Discovery and Recovery group and share your story.

Sources: www.focusonthefamily.com; “The Silent Killer of Christian Marriages” by Amy Wildman White (http://www.safeplaceministries.com/pdf/The Silent Killer of Christian Marriages.pdf)

Add a Comment380 Comments

(reply to Anonymous)

Have you investigated Borderline Personality Disorder? Might be worth investigating. The over spending (temporary high from spending)and punching you unprovoked are two common symptoms. Another common symptom is splitting their partner black and white and this can happen daily or multiple times a day, so effectively you can be their knight in shining armour one minute and the Devil the next and so on. There is help for people with this, but proceed with caution, research and read all you can about what your options are. People with this emotional disorder need to come to the realisation they need help first, that's the tricky thing.

November 27, 2014 - 4:24pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

No All women are not "like that" ....I have learned abuse in a relationship can come from anyone really !! It really all depends on how much you can take.... if you question your validity, your worth, your "place" in a relationship ....then your partner is not a supportive person. Most likely they grew up without support or were smothered...it seems to go one way or the other. I am women and have been married twice..... The first was an alcoholic and the sweetest guy you could ever be around. Never had a bad word to say about anyone....but did that make him an ideal husband. NO ...because after I had two sons with him. You can't have your lush of a husband watch your kids, trust him with everyday tasks or expect him to be there as a somewhat responsible adult partner in the household. My second husband is verbally, emotionally and mentally abusive...I have been with him 14 years and I will be surprised if we make it through another year. Sad too because we have three children together. But my husband sounds EXACTLY LIKE YOUR WIFE !!!! Exactly !! So abuse in marriage can go both ways. I have had people "willing to help" but my experience is their help is usually trying to solve my problems by trying to change my life to reflect the way they live theirs. One of the most important things I have learned is "your feelings are very real..... life is short...when you can't take anymore....you will step up and realize some people are just MEAN !! And...well Mean people SUCK !! I will share one other thing.... for every door that closes in life...another ALWAYS opens !! ....it may hurt for a bit ...but you will be able to "breathe" and that is priceless !! God Bless !! NOW IF I CAN JUST TAKE MY OWN ADVICE !! That my friend is always the hardest !!

November 19, 2014 - 9:42am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Was she drinking? Or is this just her "normal" behavior? Actually, this is not normal at ALL. Right now, I really don't know what to recommend, but definitely, this is NOT a normal relationship. The only thing I can think of is some kind of counseling, so that both of you can find out what is normal, and what is not. Wishing you better days ahead.

November 10, 2014 - 11:14pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Emotional abuse is common these days by women on their husbands....they abuse husbands emotionally so bad that many of husbands go for suicide....we need strong law to arrest and punish these women who emotionally and verbally abuse husbands

November 5, 2014 - 2:40am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Agreed...searching for more about the subject of "wives emotionally abusing their husbands" is what lead me to this site. I am personally going through a divorce from such a woman and it is very hard to talk to anyone about it since it is not societally accepted as a possibility. These women know this and game the system to further abuse their husbands/boyfriends. The movie "gone girl" is an excellent example of this very real issue that many of us men are suffering through...dlr

November 5, 2014 - 6:24am
(reply to Anonymous)

im a male im in the same boat but not married to her, from the minute her eyes open till they shut all i get is abuse . i hate work but id rather be at work than be with her , i dont earn enough to rent on my own and i think im going to be sacked anyhow next week for error i made at work , if im sacked i cant pay her rent anyway so am forced to go homeless but the way i feel id rather sleep in my car than put up with this ive been with her for 13 years and the way im treated i hate her so much i wish she would just die , after this relationship i will never try again ,she is the most miserable depressing bastard i have ever met ,her power over me is that she knows i got no where to go and plays it. i work 4 days on 4 days off when im off im very very depressed cause i know im just going to get treated like shit all over again , i keep praying that i win just enough money to buy my own home but thats just a dream i couldnt write on here everything how she treats me, but i can say i could write many books if i had the paper. im just going through life miserable and right now id rather be dead than to carry on , ive tried to get help on net but at the end of the day nobody gives a damn.to her im a liar, useless, ugly ,thick you name it i get it , if i clean the whole house she will say ive just sat on my arse ,im accused of taking money from her and so on and so on , only when she needs to go the doctors in my car shes nice for half an hour as soon as we are back the evilness starts again dont know how much longer i can hold on just feel like taking my car as fast as it goes and crashing it but i cant cause i have two girls from my ex and couldnt leave them without a dad. help please.

November 12, 2014 - 1:27pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

The problem of real abuse is a serious one, but psychological abuse, instillation of fear etc. can sometimes be very subjective as regarding its impact. Some people may not even be aware that their partners feel fear, particularly if there is a complete lack of open and clear communication. Some people think its the end when their partner raises their voice a single time....such people shouldn't bother with relationships, let alone marriage.

November 4, 2014 - 8:23am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

First, I honestly can't believe I am writing about this!!! Second, I am emotionally and now being physically abused!! I have NOBODY!! My family has dis owned me because I am with my husband who I fell out of love with. I feel like my life is over!! I feel so lost, confused and scared!! His daughter(19) and her son (2) lives with us and I love them very much!! My son (23) has a place of his own and is doing very good in his life except for worrying about me everyday. I have NOWHERE to go!! My car broke down and my husband use to work on it but now he just lets it sit there so now I'm really stuck!! I suffer from severe depression and anxiety issues which I am on medication for now. Again, I am very confused and lost!! I want my life back!!!! Any suggestions????

November 2, 2014 - 9:10am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I'm praying for you.I have children and no support either. My husband doesn't want me to work. He works away for months at a time. We do visit him quite often, usually 1-2 weekends a month and every time my children are on break from school. My children are in private school and lots of after school activities, which is very expensive. I have played this out in my mind since before they were born. It gets harder and harder to leave . I don't see him more than half of the year so I've been able to deal with it. It's to the point now where it's affecting my children. I've been an emotional roller coaster. All I have is them. I feel like I'm beginning to take my emotions out on them and I will not do this much longer. I tried talking to him about it, but he thinks I'm crazy. I do love him dearly. He has lots of great qualities that I do admire, but I just wish and pray for him to recognize the issues and put forth an effort to change. He is a hardworking and honest man, but he is so self consumed it's a nightmare. He is always right, arrogant, and short tempered. He doesn't care about my opinion, how I feel, or what I'm dealing with on a daily basis. I don't know what to do. I can't imagine living without him, but I already am. I need help!

November 1, 2014 - 8:52pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

The critism continues as well as the commanding dominating words. I'm sinking in this ship. I feel there is no hope

November 13, 2014 - 8:34am
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We value and respect our HERWriters' experiences, but everyone is different. Many of our writers are speaking from personal experience, and what's worked for them may not work for you. Their articles are not a substitute for medical advice, although we hope you can gain knowledge from their insight.