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Physical and verbal abuse are forms of “visible” abuse. Scars and bruises, raised voices and demeaning and hurtful words are signals to others that something is not quite right in the relationship. It’s also easier for a wife to see and recognize that’s she’s being abused.
Emotional abuse, however, is much more insidious and not quite as visible. Certainly, a wife’s self-esteem and spirit are battered along with her body in the case of physical and verbal abuse, but a husband can kill his wife’s spirit without even raising a hand or voice against her. For this reason, many women don’t even know they’re being abused, or if they do it’s a long and difficult battle not only to work to repair the damage done themselves, but to get the abuser to recognize the harm that he’s done.
What are the signs of mental abuse?
“Emotional abuse is any nonphysical behavior or attitude that controls, intimidates, subjugates, demeans, punishes or isolates another person by using degradation, humiliation or fear” (www.focusonthefamily.com).
“Nonphysical behavior or attitude” can safely be interpreted to mean neglect, invalidating another’s thoughts and feelings, and refusing to acknowledge the needs of the other (whether intentionally or not). Over a period of time, this kind of emotional climate in a marriage can squeeze the life out of a marriage and out of a wife.
There is a difference between experiencing or inflicting emotional hurt and being emotionally abusive—it is important to make this distinction. Abuse is a cycle. It is not a once-in-a-while event that happens and hurts someone else. In many “ordinary” hurtful cases, apologies can be offered if truly sincere and heal the rift that the hurt has caused. Many hurts are unintentional, and if they were, there is (hopefully) remorse on the part of the person who inflicted that hurt, once the anger, frustration, etc., calms down and cooler heads prevail. With emotional abuse there is none of this. Like other forms of abuse, there can be apologies and promises to never do it again, and there is hope in the beginning that behaviors and attitudes will change—often referred to as the “honeymoon phase”—but somewhere in the back of many a wife’s mind, she knows that it’s only a matter of time before the abuser settles back into old routines.
The Profile of an Emotional Abuser
At the heart of an emotionally abusive husband is his need to ultimately be in control. He feels inadequate and harbors distorted beliefs about women and marriage, usually learned from an abusive father or other dominant male influence, or sometime due to lack of decent male role modeling in how to treat women. In many cases, but not all, an emotionally abusive husband can be manipulative and heavy-handed in keeping his wife “under his thumb”. The abusive husband is “self-referenced”, which means he only sees and considers things from his point of view; he deliberately refuses to or is incapable of looking at things from another’s perspective. “Selfish” and “self-referenced” are two different words and can be described this way: the “self-referenced person would give you the shirt off his back, but he doesn’t know you need it. The self-referenced person frequently violates the marriage partnership by acting without thoughtfully considering his partner’s point of view and needs” (Amy Wildman White). The abusive husband is also emotionally dependent on his wife; that is, his feeling of self-worth comes from being married. Most emotionally abusive husbands are unable to look at and examine themselves and why they engage in such spirit-killing behavior against a person they have avowed to love and cherish.
The Profile of an Emotionally Abused Wife
Women who find themselves in an emotionally abusive situation often have low self-esteems even though they may appear confident and in control of everything. An emotionally abused wife “looks to her husband’s acceptance of her as the measure of her worth” (White).
Unlike a man, who typically finds his identity through work, and academic or athletic achievement, “[a] woman’s identity is often based on her relationships” (White) this makes her vulnerable to abusive relationships.
One of the most common characteristics of an emotionally abused woman is that she is unable to enjoy sexual experiences with her husband. This is due to the deterioration of the trust and the lack of friendship and intimacy over the time of the relationship. Add on top of this societies’, her husbands’ and the church’s views that she’s not a good wife if she doesn’t meet her husband’s sexual needs and she may feel perpetually trapped in her marriage. What many people (including counselors and pastors) fail to realize is that “[t]he wife in these situations experiences intercourse as an indignity, almost as rape, because the physical and the deeply personal, loving aspects of sex…[i]ntimacy and trust, which lay the necessary foundation for a woman to respond sexually, have been removed from the relationship” (White) and she is left to emotionally detach herself from the situation just to survive—at the cost of her soul and spirit.
Call to Action
It’s time to lift the veil from these situations and recognize how much a person’s soul and spirit can be damaged without physical and verbal abuse. Abuse doesn’t have to come in the form of acting out a form of punishment, or lashing out with temper and words. Abuse can also be withholding affection, or never saying a kind word. It takes a strong woman to stand up against what everyone is telling her is her duty and recognize that this kind of situation is not okay, and to talk about it until somebody listens.
If you believe you are in an emotionally abusive marriage—which can take many forms to keep a wife dependant on a husband (a virtual prisoner in her own house)—or you’re not even sure if what you’re experiencing is emotional abuse, please join us in the Marital Discovery and Recovery group and share your story.
Sources: www.focusonthefamily.com; “The Silent Killer of Christian Marriages” by Amy Wildman White (http://www.safeplaceministries.com/pdf/The Silent Killer of Christian Marriages.pdf)
Add a Comment380 Comments
You know? After searching the Internet for a reason as to why I as a partner am told I am worthless , not what she signed up for , have not provided her enough - and repeatedly told to fuck off- after giving up an entire work day for her desires - I am left perplexed . Am I the only man out there , that lives like the articles I read about women? Cause it seems all one sided.
October 28, 2014 - 5:36pmNow to put you all in my shoes - I am 49 handsome, professional high level job and reasonable pay,I Do Not put her down- ever ,I am very
Clean cut and. Am comfortable in jeans Ora suit. I do not hang out with the guys, I do not drink, I know a lot of stuff. I am trained in warfare. I can keep you alive if you are seemingly mortily wounded. I can hit a target at 400 yards if I have just jumped out of bed. At 9 years old I would hike alone sometimes 3 - 4 miles deep into the woods android return for supper. I was a Scout Master. I can build a plane ,house , paint anything that rolls or flies. Need a manicure , hair color or trim - yes I can do that too. Oh - I am a solar technician , I can do plumbing and wiring to code specs. I am not a surgeon or phycologist (hope I spelled that right) . I can do anything mechanical given a text book. I love women. I am not a cheater. Would not consider it- ever even though my first wife did cheat on me. Not sure why ? Never had any complaints involving the bedroom ( ever) , I have no short comings there( that was a pun) . I have as you can tell a sense of humour. Oh - currently building a house for us ( maddening huh) lakefront 400 plus feet of water frontage . You can control it from anywhere in the world. I just seek to understand why the last words I hear at night are ( fuck off - I do not deserve this life and did not ask for it) . Now I know some of you are going to think this is bullshit- but I can assure you - it is not. I am real - the situation is real - happening right now. Please respond to me as Disheartened Canuck!
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Hi, your wife has depression, antidepressants may help but usually only mask her feelings deep inside her inner self. She needs to find that inner self again, she needs to love herself again before she can love you.
November 15, 2014 - 3:49pmThe best thing to do would be to discuss this rationally and calmly with your wife, say how much you love her but what she says hurt you. You don't want to divorce but can't live like this either. Start counselling as individuals and then together, try meditation *You-tube "Mind Silence" works exceptionally well for me. You married her for a reason. Never "react" to her just "respond" to her if she is argumentative. If she says something that hurts you go for a a walk or do something else, so she knows her behaviour is not acceptable. When she has calmed down, then discuss with her, don't let it go and walk on eggshells till it blows up again. Maybe she has autism or aspergers or depression or both, either way she is unhappy, she will not be happy with you until she is happy with herself. Just love her no matter what, little things, you can and will break through.
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It's entirely possible that women can be abusers too. No one deserves to be treated that way. My only comment on this would be that you obviously haven't found someone who appreciates you yet. Don't let someone else's negativity bring you down. Don't settle for someone just because you're lonely and need to be with someone. Don't look for someone who "completes" you, either. The other person's strengths need to balance your weaknesses and vice versa so you truly work together as a team and a couple.
October 29, 2014 - 1:45pmThis Comment
I have come to realize that I am in a 25 year emotionally and sexually abusive relationship. It has become clear to me in the last three years as I sought Counselling for alcoholism. In a matter if six months I had discovered alcohol could help me remove myself mentally from the relationship - especially in the mandatory nightly bedroom activity. Adding to my emotional turmoil is a brutal rape six months prior to out marriage. The nightly marital sex felt like rape every day.
October 23, 2014 - 8:33pmMy husband read Gary Chapmans 5 Love Languages three weeks ago as a result of having no sex since a counselor and I imposed a celibacy agreement six months ago.
My husband claims to have had an awakening, he is deeply sorrowed at the abusive way he treated me for so long and wants a chance to change. He is a control addict as well. We have five children - ages 7 to 21. Can he change and what is best for the children? He has also been emotionally abusive to them. But I don't know if it's better or worse to ask him it leave the family?
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Wow, there's a whole lot in here.
First of all, good on you for seeking counselling and recognizing that you needed help with that. It's certainly not surprising given what you've been enduring. And believe me, I understand about the "nightly bedroom activity". Your prior experience would have made it very hard for you to even have a normal sex life that soon after.
Secondly, I think it's fair to give him a chance. To see if he is actually willing to make those changes and truly recognizes and accepts responsibility for how he's treated you and your children. There's always a little bit -- okay, well, a lot -- of "Yeah, sure he's going to change." Mine I know would change immediately following an argument, and then go back to his old ways because he never really had any intention to change. He didn't like being told that what he was doing was wrong or that there was a better way, even though the way he was currently doing things hurt me or his son.
I think the celibacy agreement is a good idea. You need to heal from the rape before your marriage and you need the break from him.
It is this kind of situation that a period of separation might be a good thing. It's why, legally, there is a 1-year separation required before you can apply for a divorce in most places. It is hoped that the couples will be able to get the help they need before actually going ahead with the divorce. I think for your sense of physical/sexual security you need to be away from him, and gradually as you heal, and as you see what efforts he's making to change, perhaps come back together slowly and carefully.
There is always the fear that he's only going through the motions to get you back and moment you're back in the house he goes back to the old ways. But, if he really is willing to make that change, you have to at least test that, and if he's successful, your kids also need to see him change (or not). Hopefully, the change will be for real, and your kids will have a chance to heal their relationship with their father and have an example of a father that many kids don't have.
Keep us posted. I believe you will heal from this. It may take time, though, probably longer than you think so be patient with yourself.
October 24, 2014 - 7:27amThis Comment
Thank you for your reply Darlene. Reading this article and the various comments have given me a sense of freedom of choice. My husband of 25 years broke his vow with me before God years ago. I was very stuck on my vow but marriage vows are definitely two sided.
October 28, 2014 - 3:13pmI read another article that pointed this out as well. It could be controversial but the suggestion was that god had actually divorced himself from Isreal after they broke their covenant with God. The article pointed out that there is nothing a christian woman In an abusive relationship CAN do but seperate herself from the abuser. If the abuser does not change his or her ways, divorce entirely is the only option for the safety and security of the remainder of the family. The past three weeks since reading this book, my husband has been all talk and no action if it were to infringe upon HIS happiness. He is not willing or able to change at least at this point in time.
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I hail from India. My family has arranged my marriage with a person who is emotionally abusive. The wedding is in January 2015. I lost my father 12 years back and last year I lost my elder sister. So, my family wanted me to get married so that our family could find new happiness that has long been lost. It's been 9 months now that I've been dating this guy. I've realized how angry and abusive he becomes at times. The last time we had a fight, I felt like I would soon get a heart attack. Because of the long courtship period and social pressure, I'm unable to call this wedding of. Plus I'm pathetically in love with him and it seems impossible to leave him despite the fact that he is abusive. All my friends say that I'm extremely humble and sane for my age and I will loose my personal life marrying this guy. This guy has always been in control of his father, who holds a very reputed position under Govt of India. He believes that just like his grandma and his mom have never spoken a word in front of his grandpa and his father respectively, so should I learn how to stay quiet and enjoy life in his family. There are just two months left before the wedding and this is driving me crazy. Please help me!
October 19, 2014 - 8:57pmThis Comment
You are not just marrying an abusive man you are stuck with him. Do you fully comprehend what that means for you and for any future children. They are right you will loose your sense of self and any happiness are you really willing to sacrifice that just because it might make you family embarressed for a time. Please re-think a bad marriage is for life with an abuser/hardly any ways out that won't be worse than seperation before the marriage. A divorce if even legal in India would probably be worse for your family and your future. You are walking into this with your heads somewhat in the clouds, I think you should get out of said clouds asap! I have had almost 25 years with a very controlling man who is emotionally abusive and sometimes scary it has affected my very soul
October 23, 2014 - 8:58pmThis Comment
The cultural practice of arranged marriages throws a whole other challenge into this kind of scenario. Who is the head of your family now? Can they not see how he is treating you? Unfortunately, you are in a culture where it is nothing to demean women and it's actually acceptable. I don't envy you being in that situation. It is certainly very scary reading it. Not sure what I could recommend or suggest though.
Perhaps if getting out of it really is not an option after talking to whomever is the head of your family now, I would keep your friends around you that can keep you encouraged and grounded through this relationship. It's hard to imagine that in the 21st century, people still think this kind of treatment of women is acceptable...but then that's applying Western Culture views on an Eastern culture.
Please know that you always have a source of support here.
October 23, 2014 - 1:15pmThis Comment
Not sure that really makes a difference. The india women do have a choice who they marry and they can deny arranged marriage for certain reasons. She might make some powerful people mad or be considered an expense for her family but she can change that and marry someone else in the near future. It is her soul that she is risking and it is just not worth it. Happiness is extremely important as well as safety. I hate guys that are jerks!
October 24, 2014 - 1:03pmThis Comment