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Emotional Abuse: The Invisible Marriage Killer

By HERWriter
 
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Mental Health related image Photo: Photospin - Auremar

Physical and verbal abuse are forms of “visible” abuse. Scars and bruises, raised voices and demeaning and hurtful words are signals to others that something is not quite right in the relationship. It’s also easier for a wife to see and recognize that’s she’s being abused.

Emotional abuse, however, is much more insidious and not quite as visible. Certainly, a wife’s self-esteem and spirit are battered along with her body in the case of physical and verbal abuse, but a husband can kill his wife’s spirit without even raising a hand or voice against her. For this reason, many women don’t even know they’re being abused, or if they do it’s a long and difficult battle not only to work to repair the damage done themselves, but to get the abuser to recognize the harm that he’s done.

What are the signs of mental abuse?

“Emotional abuse is any nonphysical behavior or attitude that controls, intimidates, subjugates, demeans, punishes or isolates another person by using degradation, humiliation or fear” (www.focusonthefamily.com).

“Nonphysical behavior or attitude” can safely be interpreted to mean neglect, invalidating another’s thoughts and feelings, and refusing to acknowledge the needs of the other (whether intentionally or not). Over a period of time, this kind of emotional climate in a marriage can squeeze the life out of a marriage and out of a wife.

There is a difference between experiencing or inflicting emotional hurt and being emotionally abusive—it is important to make this distinction. Abuse is a cycle. It is not a once-in-a-while event that happens and hurts someone else. In many “ordinary” hurtful cases, apologies can be offered if truly sincere and heal the rift that the hurt has caused. Many hurts are unintentional, and if they were, there is (hopefully) remorse on the part of the person who inflicted that hurt, once the anger, frustration, etc., calms down and cooler heads prevail. With emotional abuse there is none of this. Like other forms of abuse, there can be apologies and promises to never do it again, and there is hope in the beginning that behaviors and attitudes will change—often referred to as the “honeymoon phase”—but somewhere in the back of many a wife’s mind, she knows that it’s only a matter of time before the abuser settles back into old routines.

The Profile of an Emotional Abuser

At the heart of an emotionally abusive husband is his need to ultimately be in control. He feels inadequate and harbors distorted beliefs about women and marriage, usually learned from an abusive father or other dominant male influence, or sometime due to lack of decent male role modeling in how to treat women. In many cases, but not all, an emotionally abusive husband can be manipulative and heavy-handed in keeping his wife “under his thumb”. The abusive husband is “self-referenced”, which means he only sees and considers things from his point of view; he deliberately refuses to or is incapable of looking at things from another’s perspective. “Selfish” and “self-referenced” are two different words and can be described this way: the “self-referenced person would give you the shirt off his back, but he doesn’t know you need it. The self-referenced person frequently violates the marriage partnership by acting without thoughtfully considering his partner’s point of view and needs” (Amy Wildman White). The abusive husband is also emotionally dependent on his wife; that is, his feeling of self-worth comes from being married. Most emotionally abusive husbands are unable to look at and examine themselves and why they engage in such spirit-killing behavior against a person they have avowed to love and cherish.

The Profile of an Emotionally Abused Wife

Women who find themselves in an emotionally abusive situation often have low self-esteems even though they may appear confident and in control of everything. An emotionally abused wife “looks to her husband’s acceptance of her as the measure of her worth” (White).

Unlike a man, who typically finds his identity through work, and academic or athletic achievement, “[a] woman’s identity is often based on her relationships” (White) this makes her vulnerable to abusive relationships.

One of the most common characteristics of an emotionally abused woman is that she is unable to enjoy sexual experiences with her husband. This is due to the deterioration of the trust and the lack of friendship and intimacy over the time of the relationship. Add on top of this societies’, her husbands’ and the church’s views that she’s not a good wife if she doesn’t meet her husband’s sexual needs and she may feel perpetually trapped in her marriage. What many people (including counselors and pastors) fail to realize is that “[t]he wife in these situations experiences intercourse as an indignity, almost as rape, because the physical and the deeply personal, loving aspects of sex…[i]ntimacy and trust, which lay the necessary foundation for a woman to respond sexually, have been removed from the relationship” (White) and she is left to emotionally detach herself from the situation just to survive—at the cost of her soul and spirit.

Call to Action

It’s time to lift the veil from these situations and recognize how much a person’s soul and spirit can be damaged without physical and verbal abuse. Abuse doesn’t have to come in the form of acting out a form of punishment, or lashing out with temper and words. Abuse can also be withholding affection, or never saying a kind word. It takes a strong woman to stand up against what everyone is telling her is her duty and recognize that this kind of situation is not okay, and to talk about it until somebody listens.

If you believe you are in an emotionally abusive marriage—which can take many forms to keep a wife dependant on a husband (a virtual prisoner in her own house)—or you’re not even sure if what you’re experiencing is emotional abuse, please join us in the Marital Discovery and Recovery group and share your story.

Sources: www.focusonthefamily.com; “The Silent Killer of Christian Marriages” by Amy Wildman White (http://www.safeplaceministries.com/pdf/The Silent Killer of Christian Marriages.pdf)

Add a Comment380 Comments

EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

After I was told that I didn't cook well, make enough money, wasn't pretty enough, didn't walk right, etc. (and all of this was communicated by yelling and screaming), I knew it was time to step back and assess what was happening - seems as if you are at this point as well and I applaud your willingness to look at what is obviously an impossible situation. Know this: (1) you aren't alone, we are here for you and there are many of us who have successfully navigated out of these toxic and controlling relationships (2) there is help available but you need to get to it - can you find a therapist, counseling center, resource in your area? (3) wishing you were dead is scary stuff, please get to a Dr and get some support today (4) your sons need you and they need you to be healthy and safe, which will keep them healthy and safe. Email me if you want some handouts on managing stress and taking back your power. Sending you a hug.

August 25, 2014 - 10:12am

I have been married for nearly fifteen (15) years. And for those of you that think he will change, good luck! I've tried it all. I am considered a strong, self reliant, go getter kinda gal. But oh boy....when it comes to my marriage I need help! In our home we are Christian, thereby believing that our God can mend marriage, and it can be done. However both parties must be willing to change. Like most of you, it seems he can change for a few months, then he goes back his old behaviors. To the public...oh my gosh!, They just think he is the sweetest guy ever! He is well liked by my friends and peers. He has no friends. He has no social life other than his kids. I am his 3rd wife (go figure) We are 14yrs difference. He is 71yrs old, and I am 56yrs old. We have no sex life, he states its his medication, he is limited to saying kind words to me. He seems to think he young and flirts with young girls. While watching TV he seems to channel surf and find movies, events with young girls. He holds me as if I'm one of the guys! Pats me on the back as if a football player, or a good ole boy! Constant remarks about over-weight people, fat people and states they are just lazy! Constant reminders of how wonderful his kids are, and how beautiful they are. Hugs and kisses his girls as if they are potential girlfriends? Ugh!!! Makes me sick to my stomach! Financially there is an issue. He is the bread winner! And constantly reminds me. I have a small business and work from home. He has told me "why don't you get a real job" that hurts! Yes ladies, I could go on and on. He is a Narcissist! Obviously I've got issues to allow this sick behavior! I'm getting help and working on self. Started gym time, swimming and working on loving self more. Its hard at times while he drools at other women in front of me. Sometimes I go to bed crying and ask God to me the courage to get out of this sick marriage. Someday I know I will!

July 31, 2014 - 1:17pm
HERWriter (reply to long2bloved)

I'm a Christian too. And while I believe that God has the power and can heal a marriage, He doesn't always. That's not His plan for everyone. Thankfully, it wasn't in His plan for me. You can work on changing you and making you a better person. The problem with someone with this kind of personality is he doesn't realize how destructive he's being to everyone else and denies that he has any sort of problem or that he needs help or that he needs to change. It's part of the personality that they're incapable of understanding and it's a waste of time trying to explain it to them because they'll always have sort of excuse as to why they do what they do. They'll never take responsibility for their actions or inactions. Eventually I stopped explaining what I needed from my husband and how he was making me feel because it never made a difference. He never truly got it. 

Loving someone else means self-sacrifice sometimes to provide what they need from you as a partner. As much as you try to set the example, as I did, they just don't get it and think everything is fine, meanwhile your heart and soul is neglected and basically withering away and dying. Mine was.

I will pray for strength, comfort, courage and wisdom for you. At least as a Christian you know you have someone you can lean on and cling to for what you need day-to-day. Make sure you keep a healthy prayer life, that will keep you connected. I know my heart and soul suffers when I miss doing my prayer journal for a couple of days even when I tell myself "I don't need to do it today". Learn to count your blessings every day as well, that will help your mind and spirit looking at the positives, which goes a long way believe it or not to keeping you sane. I will also pray that the Lord will show you a way out, if that is His plan for you and if it isn't that He will give you the strength and encouragement to carry on.

Please keep us posted on what happens. You can send me a PM through EmpowHER site, as well. You're not alone in this.

Hugs,

Darlene

August 9, 2014 - 5:23am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Darlene Oakley)

Loved your post! I believe that the most important component with women in these situations (like myself) is the "unknown" of IF he will change or regretting "giving up and leaving". I agree it does evaporate your spirit and no one should live this way and often they DO NOT get it or understand how destructive their behavior actually is. No decision is easy, it all boils down to doing what's best for you when your ready!

August 15, 2014 - 5:46am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I was married to one of "THESE" for 30 years. Mine was absolutely charming to anyone outside the family (we endured a HITLER type of control behind closed doors) and is very well respected at work, so much so that immediately after divorce ( he instigated and blamed me for) he met a wonderful lady whilst out dog walking. The lovely lady took him home for the evening and the very next day they were a couple (she is a work colleague he's worked with for 12years.) He once described her to my daughter as a BITCH "he would not like to cross.") He proposed after a week together (this marriage proposal happened the day after my daughter told him how disgusted she was at their behavior and unbeknown to the new wife, he only did this to appease my daughter.) They have now been together two years (during which time he worked away & spent only weekends at home....however he's now home permanently) and it seems he's the perfect husband, step daddy, and grandfather having nothing to do with his children and grand children but at the moment seems to be reaching out to our son who lives with me. The new wife seems to disappear when my son visits our family home where he was actually forced to leave. Can anybody tell me if his TRAITS will surface in this new life of his, as it seems I've done all the hard work and this new wife and family have come in and are REAPING ALL I EVER WISHED FOR ....and it hurts

July 29, 2014 - 3:45pm
HERWriter (reply to Anonymous)

He may not show that behavior to her, but I'm sure he does.

Yes, it hurts to see him giving someone else the love that he never gave you. But I wouldn't wish his behavior on any other woman. Besides how do you know she's not just putting on a show?

You will have a chance to have someone appreciate and love you the way you deserve. Don't waste any more of your time, heart and mind on someone who doesn't deserve it.

July 30, 2014 - 6:01pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Thank you for your article, I have been in a relationship for five yrs., we were to get married but I have decided to put it off. At the start of our relationship and thru the first three yrs., things were great. Much affection both verbally and physically. But after the three years things have changed. He has withdrawn, at first I explained how I felt, he just looked at me, no response, just stared. I left him alone thinking maybe he needed time to take in what I said. I explained I was beginning to feel separated from him . He would get up the next day and acts like I never said anything. He withdrew sexually. I waited and again approached the subject, I wondered if it was work etc., he would just stare never talk. This went on for a year, me still hoping things would get better. I did the all the things you think would bring the affection back. Nothing, he is a good man as far as him supplying the needs in a household. He never yells just sits on the sofa and watches tv, I have told him its like the joy inside him has died. He just stares and says there is nothing wrong. I finally yelled and told him I can't take this anymore and like all the other times things were ok for a short time but it goes back to this way. He doesn't talk, he has told me, he's just not into showing affection. At first I thought it was me, I cried, pleaded everything, he just stares nothing is said. I feel like he shows some affection, maybe every two months just to shut me up. I now feel violated, I don't want him to come near me. Now he realizes how I feel and he's all over me. I was confused, I mean I was walking around with my thoughts, thinking its me, its me. NO its not, I just feel so drained. The problem is I feel like his mother now, taking care of a child. I'll be honest, I'm think about leaving, but part of me feels bad cause he makes a great friend but not a person to spend the rest of my life with. He has told me he can be very cold when he wants, it almost sounds like he's proud of that.

June 24, 2014 - 4:15am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

He also sounds like he is suffering from depression. He needs counseling, it appears your married life will be miserable if you go through with this. See if he will go to counseling if your not yet ready to leave and watch him from there then decide!

August 15, 2014 - 5:51am
(reply to Anonymous)

I can so relate! It appears these types of men have the same behaviors. While attempting to confront my spouse on issues, he has this blank stare in his eyes, as if "what are you talking" about. Interesting! I say keep the faith, and get out of this relationship!

July 31, 2014 - 12:47pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to long2bloved)

I'm the woman who was in a relationship for 5 yrs., last night was the final straw, leaving as soon as I can. He went off on the phone but when he got home he was like what are u talking about. And then I was told as like all the other times, its you. After a few words I asked, do you love me, I was told I DID, but not how you are now. I guess he doesn't like me standing up for myself. I asked just to see what he would do, do you want to work on this, and again I got the stare, he laughs at me if I say something which he doesn't want to answer. Right now I am scared as money is very tight and I am an older woman, but I can't see myself living life this way the rest of my life. As long as he's happy the world is fine, but if you step one way or the other look out. The people around us think he is the greatest person alive, would do anything for them. But if I ask for a little affection, which I have stopped doing all hell breaks out. I cook, clean etc., an thats fine, I'm the maid not the partner.

August 3, 2014 - 5:05am
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We value and respect our HERWriters' experiences, but everyone is different. Many of our writers are speaking from personal experience, and what's worked for them may not work for you. Their articles are not a substitute for medical advice, although we hope you can gain knowledge from their insight.