When I was a kid, it was always so thrilling to catch people talking to themselves. I remember on road trips, my sisters and I would always spot solitary people in cars who were deep in conversation. Of course, when that happens now, people are talking on their cell phones.
Whether we do it out loud, in the privacy of our cars, or silently, all of us are talking to ourselves. We’re often judging ourselves, parroting the critical voices we’ve heard in our lives. Or we’re worrying about the future, using our past stories to tell us why we won’t measure up. We speak to ourselves harshly, in ways in which we would never speak to others.
Self-talk isn’t harmless. Every time we repeat an incrimination (“you were so stupid to do that!”), a judgment (“you’re so fat!”) or bind ourselves into a fixed story (“you’ll never get a better job because you can’t follow through on anything!”), a few things happen. First of all, we have an emotional response, and the words hurt. We react to these thoughts all day, and that wears us out. It’s fatiguing.
We also limit our sense of possibility. When we get a big idea or an exciting prospect, we rush in to shut it down fast, based on these stories. We never give ourselves the chance to change and flourish, and to disprove these stories. The negative stuff takes up so much space that there’s no room for us to change. We get stuck.
Here is one solution to changing the way you talk to yourself in present tense. Just work on this one and it can change things dramatically.
Skill set vs. character weakness.
I believe that human beings have this incredible ability to cultivate any quality we want to have. Here's an example: a number of years ago, I noticed that my friend, Anne, always, always looked me in the eyes and never interrupted when I talked to her. It felt so amazing to be treated that way, because so few people do it. I decided that I wanted to make people feel the way that Anne made me feel. I deliberately looked people in the eyes and forced myself to wait until people finished speaking before I talked. It was hard, but I changed the habit over time.
Often we assume that if we don't do something, it's because we have a weak character, or we're just "born" that way and we'll never change (an example of being fixed in old stories about ourselves). Actually, it's that we just haven't cultivated that skill yet. If we start reframing our "weaknesses" into skills we haven't learned yet, a spaciousness, a kindness emerges in our thinking. Every time you catch yourself speaking to yourself in a critical way, back up and speak to yourself differently. Over time, it will become automatic. I'll give you some real-life examples of how this translates to self talk:
Money
Old talk: "I'm just SO terrible with money! I'll never get ahead!"
New story: "I haven't yet learned to make and follow a budget. I'm going to set goals to learn to do that."
Setting boundaries
Old talk: "I'm so weak - I always give in!"
New story: "I haven't learned how to say no. I'm strengthening those muscles."
You get the idea. The point here is to take away the idea that you are fixed in an old identity and to remind yourself that if you want to be able to do something new, you can just set goals and make it happen. It's as simple as that. You don't have to be perfect. You don't have to have everything figured out. You just have to have an intention to try and to cut yourself some slack. Give yourself some space and things will start to change. We have an amazing ability to transform ourselves.