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By Lana J Thomas/Divine Caroline
Much to my dismay, I am rapidly approaching my fifty-fourth birthday. I have to admit it does not bring me much comfort to know that I am nearing the winter of my life even though I am certain there is life after death. I can sum up my consternation in the words of a country western song I heard recently that made me smile at myself. The songwriter, I apologize is unknown to me but he sings, “Everybody wanna go to heaven, nobody wanna go now.”
If I examine if it is just my apprehension about growing older and coming to terms with the awareness of truths, like our cat does not sit on my lap more frequently than other family members because he likes me more, but rather he sits on me because I am softer than everyone else. . . then is my chagrin just a state of mind or does the truth of the state of my body cause my thoughts to turn to the worst with regard to age?
The truth is, growing old is not always pretty, so in a world that focuses everything on beauty and youthfulness, how can one remain in a state of mind that is conducive to seeing all things, even sagging breasts and butts, as acceptable and still beautiful? How can one successfully maintain a youthful state of mind when everything around that one dictates that only youth and beauty are significant? Simply answered, “One can only do so with great difficulty, if at all.”
It may be easy for the eternally youthful like Sally Fields who never seemed to have aged over the years, but for those who did not inherit the fountain of youth in their genes and those who see their gingerly labeled “laugh lines” have become deep wrinkles, then it seems a battle not worth fighting on a psychological level. It can even border on living a lie when one is faced with the truth each and every time they look in a mirror. In my opinion, we expend a tremendous amount of energy trying to maintain a state of mind that thinks youthfully in order to appear youthful when such energy may be better expended on more meaningful ventures.
So is age a state of mind or can one grow older even faster just trying to formulate a habitual thought life of thinking/staying young? My experience with trying to remain ever youthful by thinking about it has not lessened the joint aches, the gray hair I color regularly, or the memory loss and a myriad of aging signs I endure. Sure, I understand that thinking young is exhibited in a zest for life; an unhindered approach to living life to its fullest despite being older and I endorse all aspects of such an approach that seems to work so well for some people. But beyond that, I have to ask myself, what makes me feel so old sometimes no matter how positively I approach each new day?
I am sincerely wrestling with the concept of, “You are as old as you feel,” because in a job I was recently laid off from I was the oldest person there. I was called “Gramma” and “Old Lady” on a regular basis and even though they meant no real harm by it, I was deeply affected by it over time. I have never thought of myself as old. I still carry a mental image of my youthful, wrinkle-free self in my mind and until I look in the mirror (with shock sometimes), I still envision myself as twenty years younger. So this scenario does not exhibit proof of my youthful perception of myself as capable of preventing others from seeing my aged face and body or proof of its ability to grant me peace of mind.
Since being laid off from my job, I have begun to examine objectively, my age and its consequences within the work force. I am uncertain of my ability to obtain work in a professional field because age discrimination is real. Point in case, my husband eight years my senior was laid off from a major banking firm the same week I was laid off. All those who were cut in the corporate layoff scheme were older people with the more costly benefits their years of service had earned. He verified that fact by requesting records from the main NYC branch of the birth dates of those cut at our states branch. Given that age discrimination is prevalent in the USA despite all federal regulations against it, I am addressing the issue with regard to my choices and how my age will affect my opportunities for future employment.
If I consider that I am filled with vigor and energy physically, pretty capable honestly as a fifty-three-year-old, and that I see myself as young then I can anticipate a positive outcome in my job search. Right? However, reality dictates that even though I have a Master’s degree in psychology, am well versed and self educated in many genres, and see life as worth living, I spent a lot of time as an unemployed woman and mother during the first seven years of this century. I simply could not get work.
Given this information, I surmise that for me, age is not a state of mind — age is real and an integral part of living. I have searched my mind to see what could prevent me from feeling old and getting discouraged and I have come to the conclusion that what keeps me feeling young is simple yet complex. . . it is having purpose and meaning in my life. This is not a state of mind, it is a reality, lived day to day with direction, and it is the performance of duties that have meaning or produce meaningful results. Living young is always learning and growing in wisdom and complementing my age with acquired new knowledge that promotes more wisdom. Living young is making every day count with regard to doing something that hastens me toward the personal goals I have set for my self. Living young is not letting precious moments of the remainder of my years be wasted, for example, in front of the TV watching commercials filled with beautiful young people who serve only remind me that I am getting old. Being reminded produces negative thoughts about being older in my mind.
I believe that the layoffs my family suffered in December presented an opportunity to examine our state of being, if not our state of mind, and to take a look at where we were spending our golden years. By spending I mean just that — spending them like wasted money that once it is spent does not return. I have known for decades that I wanted to write, to sing, to speak and teach others something of value if I had it to share. I came to terms with the layoffs as thus being forced to make a critical choice of where and what I will spend until I am spent and I want to spend the rest of my life pursuing something more meaningful.
Deep within the recesses of my soul I know we come to this dimension to find something purposeful for ourselves, our growth, and our personal enhancement so when we return to from whence we came, we take back something of value with us. The value we return with is not measured in financial success, notoriety, fame and not even in selflessness. The value is found in having discovered the meaning in why we came here to begin with. I personally feel I came here solely to create a better me. So far, I trust the journey has been fruitful but it will be the slower years of age that will grant me the quiet state of mind to consider the wisdom I have acquired and what should be done with it.
In my life’s winter months, I want to spend time in thoughtful reflection of, “What bearing do our mortal bodies really have on our immortality?” I want to come to terms with age and remember my struggle to get where I am today because it was the struggle that helped form me. I want to forget about staying young when in actuality; it is merely the fear of dying that compels me to try to be young when, in fact, I am not. Please understand, I am not a fatalist; I just believe that acceptance is sometimes the only power we have to alter our reality. Thus, I am comfortable with my life’s direction now that I have chosen to pursue my dreams and do all I can to make them come true. The dream has far deeper meaning than the work I was doing and also far greater consequences for my life if “the dream” remains unrealized.
I mentioned that I have always wanted to pursue my writing. Now that one door has closed I have opened another and I will pour my heart and energy into that pursuit. My bank account may not reflect success in a financial realm, but emotionally and mentally I am rich and getter richer with the determination to spend less of my life worrying about how to stay young and concentrating on how to better complete my life, even if the winter is not my favorite season.
For more stories, visit www.divinecaroline.com
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