Dr. Sue Johnson/DivineCaroline
My client asks me, “Well, what is ‘real love’ anyway? Is it two people making out? I am not sure I have ever seen it. And if you don’t even know what it looks like, then love is just stumbling around in the dark.” “No,” I tell him. “We know what it looks like. I can show it to you on a video of one of our therapy sessions. We can show you the exact moment when a relationship moves into the light. And our research says that if this happens it will stay strong in the years ahead."
We call these key moments “Hold Me Tight” conversations. And they sizzle! Not in the sensational sexy Hollywood way. They are simply mesmerizing, even to a therapist who is just watching two partners move into synchrony. When we see the deep emotional responsiveness that is love in action, it moves us. It is as if our brains lock into an ancient code in these moments, a code that is all about our deepest longings and the surest source of safety and joy we have, the sense that we matter to another.
So what happens? Pete, usually so cool and in control, takes a deep breath and opens up to May, his wife. In a slow low voice, he tells her. “Okay, so no more ‘Mr. Don’t Give a Damn.’ I am going to jump off a cliff here. Take the leap. Fact is I need you like I need to pull air into my lungs. I want your caring so bad I can hardly stand it. I need your arms around me, to feel that you are with me. It is just so hard to ask.” May leans towards Pete, totally focused on his face, totally tuned into the music in his voice. She slowly reaches out to him, keeping pace with the rhythm of his words and smiles. She meets his eyes and offers him a soft, open smile. He smiles back and takes her hand. “I am here, Pete,” she says. “I have always been here. I have longed to know that you need me. I want to hold you.” And she does.
Is this just romantic sentimentality? No. This is a drama that we recognize instantly and that moves us emotionally. But it is also a drama that the new science of love can decode.
Let’s look at three elements of this kind of connection. When I put my scientist hat on, I see Pete and May in a neural duet, in a state that physicists call “resonance.” This is when a sympathetic vibration between two elements occurs that suddenly allows them to synchronize signals and act in a new harmony. It is the same vibration that I hear in the climax to a Bach sonata where one hundred music notes come together as one. We can see this empathic resonance between an infant and a parent when each is focused on the other and matches the non-verbal moves of the other in exquisite emotional synchrony. This is the physiological and emotional openness and responsiveness that is a loving bond in action.
At these moments, we can also see what neuroscientists call mirror neurons at play. We now know that when we are paying a certain kind of attention, when we watch another move and show emotion, our brains respond as if we are acting and feeling the exact same thing. This is just one of the ways that our brains are wired to tune into and connect with others. We’ve studied couples working through emotional injuries they’ve inflicted and sustained, and we’ve found that it is in the moments when partners perceive that the other feels their pain and is deeply moved by it, that such wounds are forgiven and healed.
Science also tells us that at moments of emotional connection, we are flooded with powerful neurochemicals like oxytocin, dubbed the cuddle hormone. This hormone is found only in mammals who actively rear their young and where tenderness and attachment mean life and death to the offspring. Oxytocin produces a cascade of joy as well as comfort and calm. It turns off stress hormones like cortisol and aids in the release of dopamine, the pleasure hormone. In animal research, if oxytocin is blocked, mating occurs but no emotional bonding. In humans, it now appears that merely thinking about a loved one can trigger a rush of oxytocin and, for a moment, even make us less hostile to people we see as different from us or potential enemies.
Science now explains why in emotionally focused couple therapy (EFT), when these moments of connection occur, we find that couples move out of distress into a more trusting and satisfying relationship and this change seems to withstand the test of time. In these moments of responsiveness, we can see the reality of love.
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