Post rape syndrome is a very special form of post traumatic stress disorder. It can also be classified as a unique sexual disorder. A person’s sex drive is mentally, emotionally, and physically affected by sexual abuse.
So if your partner is suffering post rape syndrome… what can you do to rebuild the intimacy?
Your partner’s sexual health is at risk, and so is your relationship. This can happen sometimes if a partner was raped recently, but is just as common (if not more so) if there was sexual abuse in your partners past. The symptoms of Post Rape Syndrome rarely show up immediately.
You may be wondering “why is it bothering them now when it happened so long ago?” and this is a good question, but difficult to ask because you don’t want to challenge the validity of those emotions. However, keeping this to yourself may cause you to blame yourself and wonder if the problem might actually be you.
So there is relief in knowing that, when your partner suffers post rape syndrome, their lack of interest in sex has nothing to do with you. More importantly, there are things you can do to help rebuild the intimacy in your relationship.
It is very important to know that everybody has a different situation and there is no cookie cutter approach to recovery. If your partner was recently raped, and has completely withdrawn, your own sexual needs will need to wait. You will need to encourage your partner to go into counseling. The worst thing you can do is prioritize the recovery of her sexuality over the more important parts of her.
On the other hand, if she has begun to show the symptoms of post rape syndrome over sexual abuse in her past, you should feel grateful that she has found the comfort she needs (being with you) to finally let these emotions come out. It may be difficult to be happy if your partner is withdrawn, including sexually, but it means your partner is ready to not suffer any longer. And you can help.
Encourage Counseling
Unless you are a counselor trained in sexual disorders or PTSD, there is probably little you can do right in terms of responding well. Yes, you should encourage your partner to talk to you, especially if she is so comfortable with you that she prefers to talk to you. However, you should be honest with her about the pressure she is putting on you and remind her that you are only human and might not do or say the right things.
It is important that she does talk to you, and that you do listen. You will gain a better understanding of her, her needs, and her fears. While it may seem she is looking for pity, most victims of post rape syndrome only want somebody to understand (or try) how she feels.
These conversations are heavy and difficult, on her end as well as yours. So you should encourage her to participate in a counseling program where she is also comfortable. This will help her sort out the emotions she wants to share with you, and the best way to express these emotions.
When the Mood Strikes…
Patience is everything if you want to have a healthy sex life with a partner who suffers post rape syndrome. When you picture a war veteran who suffers PTSD, you have the sense not to take him to the fireworks if they trigger a flashback or overwhelming negative response. When somebody is suffering post rape syndrome… it’s the physical act of sex that can be most overwhelming and trigger painful memories or flashbacks.
By reading this article, you are showing that you care more about your partner than your own sexual needs and that is a good sign. You should be sure she never doubts this in you. However, you do have your own sexual needs and what you do with those urges will make or break your relationship.
While it is important to encourage the mental and emotional recovery from post rape syndrome, the sexual recovery is completely different. It’s not that you shouldn’t discuss it, but you shouldn’t bring it up. If she brings it up, then you can discuss your feelings. Do not (in any way, shape, or form) hold her responsible for your unfulfilled sexual needs.
If I have to tell you to stay faithful to a partner who suffers post rape syndrome, then I will also tell you to seek counseling as well. The bottom line is that if the mood strikes, you should practice self control or excuse yourself to the bathroom. When your partner suffer post rape syndrome, the only time you should have sex is when she initiates it.
If she loves you, she will have sex with you… physically. However, this will be a traumatizing experience for her, because she is not ready for it and she will merely be practicing submission for your benefit. If you love her, you won’t put her through that.
In most cases, your sex life will be nonexistent while your partner faces her post rape syndrome. This does not mean you can’t be intimate together. There are other ways to be intimate, and it’s important you do so.
Let your partner decide what she is, and isn’t comfortable doing. Follow her lead. Make suggestions but follow her body language, not her verbal reaction. Things to suggest include:
• Cuddling together, sans clothing, and doing nothing sexual
• Going for a hike. This will help you exert your pent up energy, and help her feel connected to you as you share your experiences. Even a walk around the block can satisfy both of your needs.
• Do something new together. It can be something as simple as taking an art or a yoga class, or as exciting as skydiving.
When, and If, You Do Have Sex…
Once she is ready to have sex with you, pay close attention to her body language and be sure it’s something she wants. (Women are prone to sacrifice for somebody they love, but sex when you’re not ready can be just as painful as sexual abuse itself, regardless of your own intentions.)
Discuss cues… keywords or signals she can give in case she changes her mind or feels uncomfortable. Be ready to stop, even if you’re not ready. This is where self control is important. If you need to stop, and she is comfortable with you, comfort her by holding her close.
Make it about her. Let her tell you what she wants, and doesn’t want. Encourage her to be open about how she feels sexually. Even if she is not a verbally sexual person, agree on methods that she can take to remain in control.
Inside the Sexual Mind of A Victim of Post Rape Syndrome
Where a “normal” person finds pleasure in the act of sex, post rape syndrome associates sex with pain. It can be very difficult, if not impossible, to ever enjoy this act again. However, the desire to be “normal” (and to save a relationship) will cause somebody who suffers post rape syndrome to put their selves in a position where they are uncomfortable.
If a partner has the strength to deny sex, this helps tremendously. It is difficult to do, but the most helpful way to rebuild a healthy sex life.
A victim of post rape syndrome will also assume the submissive position when participating in sex. If encouraged to “take control” and be the dominant one, this may help her change her perspective on what is going on.
The most important thing to know is that a victim of post rape syndrome will probably not experience any physical pleasure during sex, even from an orgasm. Just as she should not feel pressured or obligated to have sex, she should also not feel pressure to be “satisfied.” To rebuild a healthy sex life, she should feel able to test her own sexual interest and abilities without obligation to finish.
Before she can appreciate an orgasm again, she will need to find her own comfort level. The patience and self control of a partner is important when she is ready to try having sex, and the support should be balanced physically, emotionally, and mentally.
What You Should Never Do
I can not stress enough how important it is to never push the issue of sex with somebody who suffers post rape syndrome. This includes discussing your own unfulfilled sexual needs. A victim of post rape syndrome is already prone to feel guilty or self blaming, and it is easy to unwillingly encourage those negative responses.
You should never avoid a difficult conversation if she seems ready to talk. Even if your favorite team is on overtime during the play offs… your relationship needs to be very strong emotionally before she will be ready to attempt a sexual connection.
When she is ready to try having sex (this may come in unpredictable spurts that don’t last) and you have used a mature judgment to decide that she is truly ready to try… let her be in control. (Even during these spurts you may still need to frequently excuse yourself to the bathroom.) When you are practicing sex with your partner, avoid positions that can be degrading to her as well as positions that don’t require her full participation.
Do not ever withdraw from your partner. Instead, encourage her to come out of her shell by suggesting other things you can do together. Two negatives don’t make a positive.