In my 20 years as a sex therapist, people continue to ask me one question more than any other. The most common sexual question is "Am I normal?"
* Americans are concerned--virtually obsessed--with the normality of their sexual fantasies, preferences, responses, frequency, secrets, turn-offs, problems, and bodies. The fear of being sexually abnormal interferes with, and even prevents, pleasure and intimacy.
This fear and its consequences are the basis for the many versions of "Am I normal?", such as:
* "I'm afraid I take too long to climax."
* "How long should a man be able to keep an erection?"
* "How often do most other people our age make love?"
* "Am I weird if I enjoy oral sex more than intercourse?"
People forget that "normal" can mean many different things: what is statistically common; what everyone agrees is typical; what authority requires; what is considered moral; and so on. Concepts of sexual normality have changed even within our own lifetimes--for example, society's ideas about homosexuality, the clitoris, and sex as a 'wifely duty.' Since "normal" can mean so many different things, it is clearly an arbitrary social construct.
WHEN IT STARTS--CHILDHOOD
Our concern about sexual normality starts in early childhood. All children are sexual beings: kids have sexual feelings and curiosity, get sexually aroused and lubricate vaginally, and seek and enjoy erotic satisfaction, including orgasm.
A variety of subtle and explicit lessons teach children that sex is bad, however. And as sexual beings, learning that our sexuality is bad means learning that we are bad. As children, we learn to fear being discovered as sexual, and to mistrust our sexual energy, curiosity and desire.
Throughout childhood, all of us are exposed to a wide range of sexual negativity. Messages include "Don't feel sexual;" "Don't touch your sexual parts;" "Your body should not be a source of pleasure;" "Wanting sexual contact with anyone else is wrong;" "Having sexual thoughts or feelings is sick;" and, ultimately, "You are not a sexual being" and "Do not express your sexuality in any way."
These are the messages of even loving families, caring churches, conscientious schools. How could a child with any emotional sensitivity not feel sexually abnormal in such an environment?
It's all complicated by the fact that we give children virtually no sexual information or guidance. School sex education is at best biology or, more frequently, abstinence and fear "education." The grownups that kids love don't usually acknowledge being sexual, so kids can't look up to them as sexual role models, and are confused about how they're supposed to feel when they grow up. Kids are bombarded with sexualized advertising and entertainment, but no one tells kids how to deal with the vaguely erotic feelings created in them.
PUBERTY
Then come the dramatic, defining events of puberty: the frightening first menstrual period, the wet dreams, the strange, uninvited fantasies, the new body shape that draws so much attention--for which most of us are unprepared. To scared, naive young girls and boys who know they must not ask questions, these experiences confirm that there is something wrong with their sexuality.
During puberty, solid information about sex is systematically withheld from young people--out of fear that it will "put ideas in their heads." But the feelings are already there, along with the desperate adolescent desire to fit in.
In the absence of good, open information about real sexuality with its responsibilities, consequences, and, yes, joys, who offers to teach kids about sex? Advertising and the media. TV, music, and magazines boldly suggest that there is a formula for normal sexuality, which includes having a perfect body, the right clothes, a cool attitude, and ignorance of the consequences of sex. Teens, unfortunately, believe this.
Denied access to sexual information, role models, guidance, and reassurance, we can't possibly know what is sexually "normal." This disturbs us because we feel it is urgent to be sexually normal. In a world where sex is bad, we want to be the least bad sexual being we can.
ADULTHOOD
This is how we develop Normality Anxiety. The fear of being sexually abnormal continues into adulthood, when it is subtly exploited by social institutions such as the media, government, and organized religion--all in order to shape our behavior and feelings. It is used to sell products, salvation, and good citizenship. And it's an active force in our adult sexual relationships.
TAKING NORMALITY ANXIETY TO BED
How does Normality Anxiety affect us in bed?
For one thing, we guard ourselves during sex. Instead of letting our erotic energy guide us, we impose a logic of fear on our erotic energy. Will this movement look clumsy? Will my desire intimidate or disgust? Am I wrong to want this?
Most women, for example, need clitoral stimulation in order to climax--but many do not ask for it because they figure other women don't need it (and then this same woman might criticize herself when she has trouble coming). Or you (or your mate) might like to be held down during sex, but hide it because you're afraid that's weird and that your partner will condemn and reject you.
The fear of being sexually abnormal also makes people restrain their bodies' natural expressions during sex. Refusing to allow a body its sounds, smells, breathing, and natural movements inhibits pleasure and orgasm.
Another result of our fear is that we're not fully present during sex. Rather, we observe ourselves and monitor our partners' response to us. Instead of simply experiencing our bodies and feelings, we evaluate how we perform. We decide how the sex was instead of feeling how it was. Sex becomes less a celebration of our human perfection than an opportunity to fail.
Our fears also inhibit sexual exploration; what if we discover we like something that isn't socially approved? That would make us abnormal, vulnerable (we fear) to rejection by an offended partner. When we believe that our sexuality is dangerous, routine (and therefore boring) sex feels the safest.
Our sexual fears also have their social expression, often through opposition to sex education, homosexuality, contraception, and erotic art. Our compelling need to be "normal" creates the existence of something that is "abnormal," and naturally, we need to distance ourselves from it. We make it "other," not ourselves, and we hate it. Our fear of sexuality in childhood leads us to deny it in ourselves; our fear of sexuality in adulthood then leads us to deny it in the world around us. In each situation, we try to eliminate what we fear.