I think a lot about ways we can make more space in our lives. You know the kind of space I mean: room to breathe, room to think big and to dwell on possibility, room to be alone with ourselves, freedom to do more of what sustains and enriches us.
I often give tips to help you change the circumstances of your life to create more space by paring down, becoming more productive, saying no, etc. This can really help. Economizing how you spend your time and energy frees up a lot of space.
Are Your Thoughts Taking Up Too Much Space?
Now I'm going to shift the focus to thoughts, which take up a whole lot of space too. If you tune into your thoughts for too long, you'll notice that your mind is probably working overtime. What's taking up so much space in there? Most likely it's chatter about the future and the past, or a voice that's telling you what you "should" be doing or feeling (I call this "shoulding" on yourself). Maybe it's a critical voice that offers cruel judgments to you.
In future posts, I'll address the others, but for today, I'd like to focus on thoughts of the past and how to clear them. Why? Because they take up a whole lot of space and they can cause anxiety, self-doubt and affect our future decisions.
Past Regrets That Linger
Think about it. Do you have something you have done that you really regret? A terrible decision you made? Think about it right now. Ouch. What happens in your body when you think of it? (I'm thinking of mine - I'm feeling all hot and my shoulders hurt. And like I just got slimed.) Now, what thoughts are coming up for you? Write them down. Odds are, they read something like this (these are mine):
1) How could I have been so stupid?
2) That really made my life difficult
3) I'd be so much further along if I hadn't done that-such a setback.
Now, here's the problem. If we're really stuck in this thinking, then every time any of these thoughts come up, we beat ourselves up again. We replay these stories. We tell ourselves how much we suck. We experience those feelings of tension and anxiety, both physically and emotionally. And the worst part is that they hold us back - because when we think about taking a risk or doing something new, we reference these stories. We think, "oh, s^%#, I'm going to screw up again." We don't trust our instincts. We get fearful. We stop moving forward because we're stuck in the past.
So here are my suggestions on how to work with this: Make a list of your hall of shame decisions - your top ten biggest regrets - and then pick one or two of the following ways to work with your list.
Five Ways To Forgive Yourself
1) Lean into it. Yeah, that's what I mean. Think about every stupid thing you've ever done. Make a list. Revel in it. Feel the shame. Own it. Don't worry - it's uncomfortable, but you'll survive. Now, next to your list, write down what you learned from each experience. You might see that some of those mistakes were pretty necessary, or that what you learned from them changed your life.
2) Refute it. Make a list of great decisions you've made and accomplishments that make you proud. When your mind focuses on the other stuff, challenge it. Say to yourself, "Oh yeah? What about all the great stuff I've done? Who says I have to do everything perfectly, 100 percent of the time?"
3) Be your own best friend. As in someone you love a whole lot. If they came to you and told you about something dumb they did, and how they were having trouble forgiving themselves, what would you say to them? Now, say that to yourself, in your gentlest tone of voice, with all the love you can muster.
4) Start over. Odds are, you aren't the biggest screw up of all time. The good news is that even if you are, or have been up until now, it's not too late for you. You get to start over every day. None of us is beyond repair. If everything is awful, make the decision to not let things get any worse. You can improve a little bit every day. Tell yourself this.
5) "I forgive myself." Yeah, it sounds corny, but saying it to yourself, out loud, can have magical effects. Look for a variation of this that works for you. If I ever start to beat myself up about a bad decision, I say to myself, "I did the best I could with what I knew about myself at the time." I relax immediately.
As you start to forgive yourself, and free yourself of more and more guilt, shame, and embarrassment, you will find that there is a lot more space for joy, happiness, and new versions of the story of you, just waiting to be written.
Heather Jassy, MA, CCC, is a personal coach, licensed counselor, and founder of Empty Space Coaching. She coaches brilliant, inspiring clients throughout the world by phone. You can learn more about her services at - Empty Space Coaching"