First Trip to the Gyno
I can clearly remember the day Mom and I found out that my missing menstrual cycle was likely not a matter of late blooming, but of reproductive abnormalities. My thoughts automatically go straight to the time AFTER the doctor appointment, never to the appointment itself. In those post moments I see Mom and I holding hands, sort of skipping, and smiling. At least I was. If I think really hard I can see her red eyes and furrowed brow. We had just been told I had an imperferable hymen and that the exam could not be completed. The exam was very painful and the doctor was an impatient ass which is probably why I don't often revisit that part of the day. He notified us he was handing my case over to the senior doc. The one I wanted to see in the first place with the kind and gentle reputation.
To break the silence while Mom and I were walking out to the car I said, "See? I told you I hadn't been doing the wild thing. Mom broke out into laughter and tears and that was when we clasped hands, and spent the remainder of the day laughing together.
After that, though, the doctor visits became frequent. An ultrasound showed no uterus so I had to have a laparoscopy, which is a minimally invasive surgery inserting a telescope in through my belly button to have a look around. We found cervix and ovaries, but no uterus. That was a dark day. In my mind all I could think was "freak show who can't have kids." I was nineteen years old and had just met a new boy I really liked and this whole vaginal agenesis thing was beating down my confidence.
The Mental Stress
The dreams began immediately. The setting was always different but the scenario was the same. I was in a dark place running from room to room trying to find my baby. I could hear it crying for me but I could never get to it and I woke up scared and sobbing. I didn't tell anyone because I didn't want anyone to worry. Plus, I saw the whole thing as nonsense. I had made up my mind very early, and never wavered, that I wanted to adopt a couple of troubled children and never intended to have babies. So I scolded myself for being dramatic and tried to move on.
She's Not Having A Baby
Mom, on the other hand, never really came to accept the fact that I didn't want to have my own babies and argued with my plea that there are so many children who already need homes, why would I be so selfish as to create more? I really didn't have that DESIRE that I hear other women talk about. I wonder if it was the absence of uterus denying me that urge? Anyway, she assured me that when I was ready to have children she would be my surrogate and pay for the treatment. This was nice to hear, but not not necessary.
Let's Talk About Sex >
Beyond conceiving children, and the mental aspect which I was suppressing and ignoring, there was the issue of vaginal development and sexual activity. I was nineteen and my sexual experience was limited. The doctor prescribed dilator therapy to open up the vagina and create a deeper canal. NO THANKS! I decided it was time to get busy with the real thing. I traded those hideous torture sticks for the"natural dilator" of the boy who eventually became my husband. One day after about five weeks he announced, "Hey! I'm in!" It made the experience more fun and adventurous than clinical and scary, and whether or not Mom ever knew I had modified my plan a bit, she never said. With technology and awareness better today than it was then, I certainly wouldn't recommend that for anyone else. Counseling and proper therapy are the way to go.
Why Did this Happen to Me?
About six months ago as I was approaching 40, I started to reflect upon what I had accomplished. I have always been very good at checking off my life goals and adding more to replace them. But I realized that I hadn't pursued much on my list since I crossed "adopt children no one else wants" off my list. In fact, I never even crossed it off or gave myself credit for succeeding. It had been a very rough five years but I realized it wasn't rough anymore and that it was time to get back to "living".
I decided to pursue that life long goal of becoming a writer and dabbled in freelance writing. I have written for every topic EXCEPT anything having to do with women's reproductive systems. I just don't know enough about it, never having had a period, bought a tampon, had a baby, etc. So when I was asked to write in the area of reproductive issues I was startled. And hesitant. I decided to research my situation as a place to start and learned that what I have is called MRKH (Mayer-von Rokitansky-Kuster-Hauser's syndrome). I don't think we knew that at the time because Mom spent a lot of time crying and blaming herself. If she had known about MRKH she would have known the birth defects were not her fault.
MRKH is a congenital disorder simply caused by development shutting down at some point in the first few months of the fetus life which is when the reproductive system is forming. I have tried to research to get deeper into the condition, but I start to sweat and get upset. I don't want to delay anymore because I and am anxious to get over this hump and complete this difficult first task for EmpowHer. (and for me!) This behavior of mine is a good example of the power of MRKH over a young girl's psyche. I pretended I was fine twenty years ago and even though I never wanted to have children, having that most basic human right for a woman taken away from me has been devastating over the years.
You're Tough But You Still Need Help. Seek Support Immediately
I will explore the mental stress and more technical side of MRKH in articles soon to come. For now, if you know of a young woman who has learned that she is the one in 5,000 that was born with MRKH share this experience with her and stress the importance of counseling for her and the family throughout the process of straightening everything out. At the very least support groups can be found online. The sooner she understands and starts to cope with how she came to be this way, the easier it will be to accept it and avoid unnecessary flaws in the way she perceives and values herself, making way for her to thrive to her fullest potential.
Cin Langston is busy checking off goals from her life list. After reaching her biggest goal of providing a safe and loving home to children who thought they would never have it, she moved on to her next big one: writing. She's been writing and blogging for just over a year now which led her to EmpowHer where she stumbled upon the opportunity to learn and share more about her own female issues. She is also currently writing two books; a dramedy of mother loss, and a story of local adoption co-authored by her 9 year old daughter.