No sex or relationship question is too embarrassing because it’s time to ask EmpowHer’s sexuality expert – Dr. Marty Klein, anything.
Dr. Klein, when should a woman in a new relationship have sex?
A woman on EmpowHer writes in to ask you, “I just started dating a guy and I care a lot about where our relationship is going; we are starting to get intimate. My girlfriends tell me I need to wait and hold off until the relationship develops stronger. Dr. Klein, is it better for a long-term relationship if we wait to have sex?”
Dr. Marty Klein:
Oh, I get this. I am supposed to disagree with your girlfriends and then you get to flip a coin and decide whose advice to take. Well I am not going to play that game.
I will tell you this – you know, people have sex for different reasons, and sometimes people know why they have sex and sometimes they don’t. And when people ask me when is the right time to have sex, I ask them, “Well, why are you going to have sex?”
If you’re going to have sex to prove to somebody that you love them, that’s not a good reason. If you’re going to have sex because you are afraid that they will leave you if you don’t, that’s not a good reason to have sex. If you are going to have sex because you really want to get closer to someone and you know them and you feel respected by them and you think, you know, this is an exciting way for two people to grow together, and as a little bonus we get to have pleasure, that sounds like a pretty good reason to have sex with somebody.
And I don’t think that there’s a timetable that works for everybody. You know, in fact, at different times in our lives, the same timetable won’t necessarily work. So, at one time in your life, you know, waiting 4, 5, 6, 8, 12 months will be appropriate. At another time in our life, you know, knowing someone a very short time and then having sex with them may be exactly the right thing to do.
So, I would say, quit asking your girlfriends for advice about this. Quit asking me for advice about this. Ask yourself, “Why do I want to have sex with this person, if I do, and am I embodying the three core values of adult healthy sexuality and that is honesty, consent and responsibility.”
If you are able to communicate clearly about who you are and what you want in bed, and if you are able to take responsibility for the consequences, and if you’re really consenting rather than feeling pressured into it, then, you know, this may be a perfectly good time for you to have sex with this other person, assuming that they are interested too.