Dear Dr. Marty.
I have been reading some of your articles and I think you can help me with some of the problems I have been experiencing in my sex life.
My boyfriend and I are in our mid-twenties and we have been living together for three years. At first, our sex life was exciting and passionate, but with time, it has cooled off quite a bit, to the point where we sometimes don’t have sex for weeks.
One of the things that contribute to this is the fact that every time I feel a relationship becomes serious for me, I begin experiencing pain during intercourse, which seems to be caused by psychological problems.
It seems to me, that I “lock up” emotionally during sex when I feel a true bond with someone. I find it hard to become aroused with them, to ask for what I want, to know what I want and to maintain the heat of the moment. I fear the pain that I will inevitably feel during intercourse and I feel anxious. My sexual fantasies during masturbation are very removed from what my boyfriend and me do, during sex, and I feel guilty about my fantasies and very reluctant to vocalize them.
My boyfriend’s reluctance to have long foreplay and his attitude that making me orgasm is practically “impossible” is very frustrating to me. Also, I have been seeking counseling for a year by myself, but he refuses to go into couples’ therapy, as if the problems we are having are MY responsibility first and foremost.
Recently, my eyes have been wandering, and I’ve been longing for the time when sex with another person meant feeling no physical reserve, feeling sexy and a bit mysterious to that other person, and them seeming mysterious to me.
I want to strengthen my relationship with my boyfriend because I love him deeply, but I realize that I have to do a lot of work on myself to take charge of my sexuality and sexual life. Please give me some advice, I desperately need it.