Are you a worrier? Do you tend to go to the dark places far too often and far too easily – think about everyday-life and inconsequential matters—and stay stuck there?
How do you know if you have this tendency? Here are a few questions:
* Do you frequently skip to the most catastrophic version of events in your mind?
* Do you often rehearse things that upset you? “Rehearsing” is different from “venting.” Venting means we get stuff off our chests and feel a sense of clarity afterwards. Rehearsing means that we repeat the same story over and over-and that we have the same emotional reaction every time.
* Do you frequently worry about things that have already happened?
* Do you worry a lot about work when you are at home?
* Does your worry sometimes make you so exhausted that you are too tired to take action on the issue?
You Need a Break
If you answered yes to these questions, I’d like to give you a gentle suggestion: take a break from worry. Take a vacation from anxiety. Yes, you read that correctly. I’m not going to give you a bunch of work to do to improve yourself. I’m going to ask you to let go for a little while. Do what you’d do on vacation-put it aside for a little while.
Vacation 101:
Don’t know what I could possibly be talking about? Here are some examples of vacation from anxiety:
* If you worry about work when you are at home, make it illegal. That means, if you catch yourself thinking about something that happened during a meeting while you’re in the shower, say to yourself “I’m on vacation until I go back into work tomorrow, so I’m not going to think about it.”
* When you’re at home at night, no talk about work (or whatever concerns you) is allowed.
* Be on vacation in your own town. When you come home from a long day of work and are tempted to drop into your chair and watch TV, remind yourself that you are on vacation. Think of something fun to do — whether it’s taking a walk, sitting outside on the patio and grilling dinner, or playing a game. My husband and I bought badminton and boule sets and started playing after dinner in the park every night. It feels incredibly decadent.
Case Study – Chronic Worrier Turns The Corner
I had a coaching client who felt stuck in a job she hated—it was poisoning the rest of her life too. I asked her how the rest of her life would change if she had a job she loved, and asked her to describe an ideal day at that job.
* She said that instead of skipping breakfast, she would wake up early and eat a nice breakfast and read the paper.
* She said that she would enjoy her bath and treat herself to nice spa products during the time she normally worried about work.
She also said:
* She would enjoy the ride into work and listen to music she liked instead of spending her time stressed out, dreading the day.
* At work, she would be looking forward to a nice dinner with her husband.
* When she got home from work, she wouldn’t be exhausted—she would have the energy for exercise—fun exercise she liked, like attending a yoga class or taking a run.
Why Don’t You Do That Now?
It sounded like a great day. But, as I pointed out to her, these were all activities she could be doing now instead of waiting until she got the job she wanted. I encouraged her to take a mini vacation—that is, a week where the only time she thought about work was when she was at work. And the rest of the time, she got to live as though she loved her job:
* She didn’t get to think about or talk about work when she wasn’t there.
* She didn’t get to complain about it to her husband or coworkers.
* And she had to act as though she already had her ideal life the rest of the time.
A New Woman!
A week later, she came sashaying into my office with a tan and a fresh face. Not only did she look five years younger, but she also was wearing brighter colors!
My client’s speedy transformation was evidence of the power of our thoughts and responses. When we take time to control our thoughts and stand up to worry, we can actually worry less. So, take a vacation from worry by saying no to anxious mind-chatter – you’ll see some great results!
But What If I Can’t Turn Off My Worry?
Occasionally there may be a deeper reason for incessant worry, especially for people who have experienced trauma, people who are grieving or people who show signs of depression.
There is help in sight
As a therapist, I get to deliver some very bad news in the first session. I usually tell people that part of the process is that things can start to feel worse before they get better. When someone has suffered a major trauma or grief, it is a natural part of the process to go more fully into the grief and explore it in order to heal it. This news is not always welcomed warmly. I had one client say to me, “You’re telling me I might feel WORSE? You need to put that on your business cards!” (We laughed about that later after the client went through the process of feeling worse, healing, and then feeling better than ever).
But it does get better
All this is to say that sometimes it is necessary to go to the darkest parts of ourselves and stay there for a while in order to move through it. If you have experienced trauma, grief, or signs of depression, you should see a counselor. If you’re struggling with everyday worries, try a vacation.