It's never easy to break up. Whether its a three-months and you're out, a five-year itch, or a long-term relationship, the complexities and ensuing emotions can be devastating.
Tangled threads of identity, self-esteem, connectedness and validation get shredded, often leaving us feeling the opposite of all the good things our relationship provided for us. There are feelings of being anonymous, left out, of little worth, disconnected and almost unreal.
How we deal with our emotions when we're not in an emotionally nurturing situation is one of the most enormous challenges life has to offer. To stay true to our own lives and committed not only to moving on but maintaining our health is crucial in order for us, as women, to heal and eventually find another healthy and loving relationship.
First we must love ourselves enough to give ourselves what we truly need and require to stay strong.
The following is a list of things that may feel good in the short run, but eventually may lead to very self-destructive patterns and cause the other aspects of your life to unravel or become compromised.
1 - Drinking too much
This is a very easy way to anesthetize yourself against the harsh details of your break-up. It allows you to ponder the words that were said, the facial expressions used and the motivations each of you had over and over in an obsessive pattern. This may help you figure things out, but in the long run can cause health problems such as liver damage, brain damage and can lead to irresponsible driving and other unsafe behavior.
2- Overeating - Drowning yourself in ice cream, cereal, fettucini alfredo and bagels will make the bitterness disappear while the chewing lasts. You'll overload your system to give you false sense of euphoria, numb the anger and the feelings of rejection, assuage your guilt if you have it, and regain a sense of belonging, comfort. Unfortunately, that is not all you will gain. Gaining weight will make you feel less attractive and healthy promoting a self-defeating cycle of feeling bad about yourself and feeling angry about the break up.
3 - Starving yourself - The dark sister of overeating, starving yourself will give you a false sense of security, of control, of intense power. You will feel proud and strong, beautiful and independent as the pounds fall away. Along with fat, however, concentration, muscle tone, energy, mood and social interests will also fall away. Depression can be starved but in the long run, limiting or restricting your calories will actually increase your depression, and concentrating on not eating will leave you little emotional energy to concentrate on things like pleasure, dating someone new, developing a new hobby, spending time with family and friends, loving a pet.
Some suggestions for what you absolutely should do in these situations are:
1- Eat frequently and healthily. Eating small, frequent meals will boost your energy and your vitality, keeping your mood on an even keel and your perspective in tact.
2 - Exercise. The endorphin rush will lighten your mood and your muscles will sing with exhaustion, allowing you to be truly proud of yourself, raise your self esteem, lower your cholesterol and cause you to be tired enough to sleep deeply.
3 - Surround yourself with people who love you. Reach out, don't isolate yourself. Call people, talk, walk, and dine with loved ones. Listen as well as talk - other peoples' lives will help keep your life in a healthy perspective.
4 - Go to a women's support group. If private therapy or counseling is something you feel comfortable with, that is terrific. If you can find one, a women's support group can also be a helpful way to vent, to get support and to reconnect with women.
5-Pursue a hobby. Many of us put off things we really love to do - painting, sailing, biking, writing poetry, taking photographs, because we think we don't have time or because we have been too consumed with our relationship. Use this break up as an opportunity to rediscover things you love and in turn, reconnect with things you love about yourself.
If you are truly suffering, you need to seek professional assistance. The following link will provide interesting information about counseling and break ups, as well as good resources for more intensive counseling needs. http://www.wwu.edu/chw/counseling/subpages/subselfhelp/breakup.shtml
Remember, pain is a necessary part of life. No one gets through life without it. You can develop the strength, courage and deep love of your own life to learn the lessons it has to offer and move through the pain, into the next part of your life.