Before I begin, I should explain that I am not a parenting expert - I am a parent. I have two small kids and I’m “home” with them almost every day. I am, however, a ’space’ expert. Space is very important to me, I don’t think I could function as a parent without it. Making space for ourselves is something my partner, Andrew, and I do consciously and deliberately. He has a high-pressure job and lives with a neurotic woman and two kids, our space is sacred!
It hasn’t always been that way, for a long time we jumped from crisis to crisis like a polar bear looking for solid ground. But two kids, one case of postpartum depression, the usual ups-and-downs of life, and lots of therapy will change a person.
Making space is how I shake the cobwebs and connect with other parts of myself. Space frees me to let go of the overwhelm that comes from being wholly responsible for the day-to-day health and wellness of my family. Space helps me regain perspective. Space helps me sort through all the parenting advice I’ve acquired and figure out what to apply. Space and the promise of space gives me the energy to push through another challenging or dull or overwhelming day.
So how do I carve out space just for me?
Good, consistent communication. I am blessed with a husband who is committed to the idea of co-parenting and who is far more relaxed than yours truly. It also helps that I have an awesome pair of brilliant kids whom I adore. Recently, we came back to regular family meetings - weekly sessions where we sit together and discuss the week. We forecast important upcoming events, deal with issues around the house and just see what the week ahead looks like.
Family and couple’s meetings are our key to securing large and small chunks of free time and family time. Author, psychotherapist and parenting expert Alyson Schafer (http://www.alyson.ca), explains family meetings in-depth in both of her books: Honey, I Wrecked the Kids (2008) and Breaking the Good Mom Myth (2006). Following Schafer’s direction, our meetings occur weekly; are only as long as necessary; have a predictable progression; and are voluntary and democratic.
To help meetings run smoothly, we have a spot on the fridge to jot topics/issues for the next meeting, and every Monday after dinner, we sit down and discuss. We use a napkin ring as a ‘talking stick’ and we are all learning to listen more closely to one another and to collaboratively problem-solve. The beauty of the family meeting is in the ritual. At this stage, we are building the foundation of a strong family.
While family meetings help Andrew and I estimate the impact of the coming workload and to divide up tasks, we still have to sit down every night or two and debrief: there are things we can’t talk about in front of the kids and there are issues that come up between meetings that need immediate attention. If circumstances have changed, we can shift tasks and errands accordingly. Time shifting not only allows us to be flexible but it also helps ensure that we have opportunities to do those things that recharge us.
What’s a couple’s meeting?
Homework from a therapy session made the agenda for our first couple’s meeting: Andrew and I sat down with a list of all the things that needed to happen for our home to run smoothly. We assigned tasks from the list by accounting for strengths and preferences. For example, I’m better at mowing the lawn, while Andrew is very happy cleaning the bathroom. Basically, we tried to keep both lists reasonable and realistic. We also made sure to include the idea of space on the list. Back then Andrew and I divided up the week so that we each got a ‘free day’ where we could go and do whatever we could afford that week. Now that we have more physical space (we’ve recently moved) our process is less rigid, but we both freely take time for ourselves.
Family Meetings – Dos and Don’ts
I doubt that it’s ever too early or too late to start family meetings. I would, however, recommend holding a couple’s meeting first to discuss the process and initial agenda. I also recommend that parents read up on the subject because it is easy to look tyrannical at a family meeting - easy and undesirable, believe me. Remember that to be democratic, attendance must be voluntary - no one has to attend - but everyone should understand that the absent party won’t get a say in any decision: at least, not until the following meeting.
Keep your first meetings light and short. At our first family meeting we discussed upcoming plans (a trip to the Aquarium!) and the things we enjoyed about being a family. Since then we’ve used the family meeting to solve problems, to discuss issues, and to practice listening, planning and being patient. We still begin every meeting with gratitudes and limit “issues” to one family problem. Before we adjourn, we go through the calendar and to-do list to get an idea of what the week will bring.
To sum it all up
I have to admit that I had a bit of trouble writing this first post because there are so many things that contribute to the space I do have (which often barely feels like any space at all) - it’s hard to distil a lot of factors into a legible article. Sometimes I feel like I’m not qualified to guide other parents, but I do make time for space and I do make the effort to let things go – so that has to count for something. Right now I’m focusing on family and couple’s meetings to keep my home life sane – and to give us all the space we need. So far it’s working and that’s all I can ask for.