Let's face it, it's hard to say "No." As parents we struggle with the burden of restricting fun in the name of common sense; in other words, setting appropriate and important boundaries emotionally, physically, verbally and financially.
What are the reasons? Are parents despots, power-hungry dictators who control the refrigerators and the wallets of this world in an undisguised surge of heady domination?
Surely this can't be all there is to it. For most parents would agree, we are attempting, backward though it seems at times (most times, okay), to shape and mold and structure our offsprings' little lives so that they may make sense of the world, themselves, and their place in the world as they grow.
Whew, when all is said and done, it sure is a lot of work. What are the benefits? For women, having clear and well defined boundaries and limits in childhood is probably the single most important gift that can be given by healthy and caring guardians.
For girls, and later women, are the relationship cravers, the intimacy hounds, the ones thirsty for connection, for emotional tete a tetes, for bonding. If a girl or woman does not know where her boundaries and limits are, she is going to seek out these connections anyway, and, most likely get taken for quite a wild ride.
Self help books have talked for years about loving women and those who take advantage of them, or about training women to be more assertive, less serving, less giving to other peoples' needs. Yet many women continue to distract themselves from their own needs in the name of "making someone else happy" or keeping the peace in the family, the workplace, the home.
To set clear limits and expectations that are reasonable, rational and created with her best interests in mind is to give her the gift of knowing when enough is enough. When we tell her to go to bed at a certain time, to brush her teeth, to do her chores, whatever these may be and, later, to call and say where she is the moment she arrives at her destination, to follow curfew rules, to stay clean and sober, to never drive after drinking, no matter what her friends are doing ... these rules and boundaries carry over into more serious situations, into sexual situations, into relationships.
The complexity of interacting with others is less difficult when a woman knows when her boundaries have been crossed, how to communicate this, and how to make it feel good again. She also knows how to respect others and how to keep appropriate boundaries herself.
Knowing when to give, when to take risks and when to hold back are crucial tools in relating to others in every situation.
Setting clear limits and expectations is a way of valuing your daughter, of showing her that she is a respected and respectful member of the family and the greater community. The following link has further information about setting limits and how important this is in the family context, particularly with teenagers: http://ag.udel.edu/extension/fam/fm/issue/limits.htm
Another important resource is a website called 'The Woman's Web' at the following link: http://www.cyberparent.com/women/limits.htm This wonderful, informative and helpful website gives women a place to go to read about relationships and in particular, setting healthy limits so that the tendency that many women have to lose themselves in service and caring for others doesn't overtake and overwhelm their lives. Finally, it is possible to find your own boundaries and limits as a grown woman, or even for these to change over time. Something that may never have bothered you in the past may suddenly feel like a slap in the face; and that's okay as long it is communicated by you in a calm, thoughtful and honest manner. To stop changing is to stop growing, something none of us longs for in the end. By looking inward and listening to the intuition and instinctive self respect that you really do have, you may find your boundaries are your best friends after all.
Aimee Boyle lives, loves, works, writes, attempts to set boundaries for her children, her students and herself, does laundry and eats pizza in Connecticut, USA