It's the holiday season. Love is in the air and sex is in the news.
During the last several weeks, I've talked about studies showing that:
--40 percent of teenagers have sex before their parents talk to them about the birds and the bees.
--Sexually active young adults believe in planned pregnancy, but half of them don't use contraception consistently, and
--One in four between ages 14-19 have at least one sexually transmitted disease.
And, yes, I even used the Tiger Woods story as an opportunity to segue into a segment on sex addiction.
During the online chat, I expected to hear complaints from viewers who were offended by my use of the words "pornography" and "phone sex" in a morning news program when kids are watching. I also expected to get emails from parents asking questions about when and how to talk to their children about sex.
Instead, I got questions from women struggling with and asking for personal advice about their relationships.
Chatter: "I think my boyfriend has a sexual addiction. Here's the kicker - he's bi, and keeps wanting and having sex with guys on the side. Our biggest issue is whether this is cheating or not - something we can't agree on. He would never think of sleeping with another woman, only a man. What do you think?"
My Response: "You shouldn't feel that you have to negotiate on how you feel about fidelity. This is a core value. And, if it is as misaligned as it sounds, you may be in the wrong relationship."
The chatter abruptly dropped off. Another chatter who called herself Searching4Answers asked:
"My husband acted out a couple of years ago and I'm still trying to deal with it. He had sexual contact with anonymous males who pursued him online. He met with them and they performed acts on him but there was no intercourse. We are in couple’s therapy, but my husband wants everything to go away and not deal with the conflicts and problems. How do we repair our relationship?"
Her despair was palpable.
While the circumstances in these online conversations are somewhat extreme, the underlying theme is common: women (and sometimes, men) will make the relationship work at all costs. A dear friend has felt ignored for years and yet, she wants to "give it one more year." Another feels invisible and de-valued but accepts that it will simply be like this forever.
They are committed to the marriage, but the price they pay while trying to maintain stability is being emotionally unfulfilled. Why are they uncommitted to themselves? In both situations, the answer is “the relationship is good.” This is consistent with a Time Magazine survey that found that 33 percent of women and men are only “pretty happy” in their marriage or partnership.
Why is good, good enough? Why do we accept mediocrity in our most important relationship? Maybe it’s because we’ve never been taught to expect more.
As kids are formulating their dreams and expectations of their own future, their only education is about the physical aspects of sex. (Albeit, we do that too late, too.) And, we focus almost exclusively on what NOT to do:
--Don't have sex
But, if you do...
--Don't have sex without a condom
--Don't get pregnant
--Don't have multiple partners
--Don't have sex under pressure
--Don't, Don't, and more Don'ts.
Why shouldn’t we talk about what TO do--how to have a healthy, intimate relationship; what to expect, and what to give to a partner; what it means to love and to be loved.
Is the conversation too uncomfortable? Too personal? Or, have you not figured it out for yourself? If we don't talk about it, we will continue to have generation after generation of adults who only focus on the physical, don’t prioritize the emotional, and then find themselves, in middle-age, unhappy and alone.
As the parents of three daughters, our greatest hope is that they find a mutually fulfilling partnership that empowers them to reach their potential. In order for us to model that for our kids, we had to learn about it for ourselves. In 2006, David and I saw an article in USA Today about a couples retreat at Miraval Resort in Tucson, Arizona. It was called "Partners, Pleasure and Passion." We were due for a vacation. What the heck, we decided to check it out.
Drs. Lana Holstein and David Taylor are a physician couple who specialize in sexuality and intimacy. They laid out a seven-dimensional model that includes the biologic--the nuts and bolts physical stuff. But, the model emphasized the equal importance of sensuality, desire, heart, intimacy, aesthetic and ecstatic.
"Love isn’t about some technique, it’s being so close to someone that you can feel what they feel." Love between two people requires effort and work and ultimately means achieving a balance between these aspects in a partnership with another person.
If you are using your imagination and wondering what it was like to be at Miraval, I can only reassure you that the most meaningful aspect of our weekend together was realizing how our strengths complement and support each other as we strive to maximize and optimize who we are as individuals. We embraced the fact that love is not unconditional, and we shouldn’t assume it will be there forever, especially if complacency sets in and we don’t continue to meet each other’s needs.
The long-lasting benefit to Miraval is that we learned a framework that we share with our daughters—all three of them. Although awkward at times, we have open conversations about not settling for anything less than a partnership that includes intimate, physical experience in addition to an emotional and spiritual pleasure, dignity, and self-respect. We talk about mutual acts of selflessness and what it really means to communicate, to trust, and to give. We want their antennas to be sensitive to signs of jealousy, dysfunctional and controlling behavior, as well as early and subtle signs of abuse. We want them to grow up knowing that love is very conditional.
Kids shouldn't learn about love and intimacy on TV or be limited to what they learn in 8th grade health class. They should learn about love from their parents. Learn to talk about it as a family. If you need help yourself, you can explore the meaning of love in an intense retreat setting or explore it more privately. Either way, make it a priority.
Make a toast to love in 2010. We have an opportunity to teach the next generation that good is not good enough.
Happy New Year. Create Health.
Archelle