There's a sink full of them. They pile high, they scream for attention from you, from the kids, the dog, your husband, just anyone, anyone at all... 'Wash Me!,' they scream, 'Scrape from me this terrifying brownish gunk!' Willingly, though exhausted, you heed the plea of the dishes and dive in, sleeves rolled to the elbows, concentrating on a job well done. By the fifth time in a row you've done them you're thinking the balance of power is really off, somehow. Shouldn't someone, anyone else be doing these dishes sometimes?
The dishes, the grocery shopping, the bills, the childcare, the house maintenance and repair -- all of these tasks of daily living, necessary for life to proceed in an orderly and functional manner, can contribute to the dynamics of your relationship and, ultimately, to what happens between you in the bedroom.
The imbalances which can occur can lead not only to coldness but actual dry spells and even intense resentment if not handled in a timely and appropriate manner. Who does what? Is it comfortable the way it is or do we need to negotiate/re-negotiate? Are you/he willing to talk things over or is it too much of an effort, too frightening, too confrontational? Some couples have perfectly worked out, rote routines. She shops and cooks, he cleans and does the laundry. Or he shops, she cooks, they clean up together and no one does the laundry. Okay, that's probably not altogether true, but you get my point.
What do we take on in contributing to the household and why, and, if our abilities, our schedules or our comfort levels change, can we discuss how to change our patterns of performance in the house so that we still feel things are fair.
If not, we may not want much in the way of romantic evenings out or snuggly mornings in, for that matter.
Here's a scenario: Your man has just spent the entire day Christmas shopping for you, the kids, your parents, his family and the dog. He comes home and wraps all of the presents and cleans the house. He then changes out the leaking toilet, carrying the old one by himself to the garbage pick up spot and bringing the new one in, on his own and installing it.
Is this a day for you to be carrying on about the cooking and dishwashing you were forced to do? I think not.
Maybe some kind of comfort for him, whether that's affection, sex or time to himself might be in order? Absolutely.
Or take this: You have worked from seven am until nine pm. You have helped the kids with their homework, played three board games and done two loads of laundry. Should he mention to you how badly you messed up the steak last week at this particular juncture, or should he lay you down and cover you with kisses? I agree. Kisses are nice when someone is tired and a good way to relax and unwind as well.
Sex can be used for intimacy and bonding, for thanking and showing appreciation. It can also be used as a weapon; to withold or to punish, to push away or shut down.
Each time you feel yourself reacting in the bedroom as a result of something else that's going on in your relationship, it may be a sign that there's something that needs to be discussed, hammered out, worked on, talked through. While sex and love may be two separate experiences, for woman especially, they dance in an intimate tango and often collide to the point of merging.
Be kind to your significant other and to yourself. Spicy hot times together can be a great reflection of more than just good chemistry; it can mean your souls are connecting, too.
Aimee Boyle is a freelance writer and regular contributor to EmpowHer in Sexuality and Muscles