Many women find themselves in an uncomfortable position when the man they spend time with seems, well, less than focused on them. The guys are constantly fiddling around online, playing games, watching games, thinking about games or else they're working long hours, stressed out when they're at home, distracted or not listening.
While good communication is an essential piece of any successful relationship, its also crucial for women to ask themselves if they are doing enough self-caretaking and finding enough ways to be interested in life and hobbies, career and health, inner creativity and outer vivaciousness to really be okay if their significant other is in his own little world sometimes.
I'm by no means condoning a relationship where one partner is "checked out" on a regular basis, either emotionally or physically. I'm simply saying this: Sometimes, as women, we feel extremely insecure if not the center of attention. We can easily misinterpret a momentary distraction or a week of intense stress in the lives of our partners as symbolic of their disenchantment with us and our relationship.
Often this is simply not the the case. In some cases, women have spent a lot of emotional and physical energy on pleasing their partner and are afraid it simply hasn't been enough. The truth is, women can spend more time, emotional and physical energy pleasing THEMSELVES and making sure it is good enough! Surprisingly, many issues that women face in terms of feeling left out of their partner's world can evaporate when becoming involved in their own interests, their own activities and their own health and well being.
The intimacy a woman so craves may mean tuning in more to her own deep set needs and not relying on her partner's validation, or being the center of his attention. Of course, everything in moderation is the key. One partner becoming heavily involved in their own lives and interests leading to the other doing the same and neither attending to their relationship does not for intimacy make. But especially for women, letting that need for validation and attention go, or relaxing about it, or feeling that it doesn't equal rejection, can be powerful and liberating. We can trust our partners more, realize they love us, really love us, and can be distracted without wanting to leave us. The peace that can replace the contentious battling over, who is paying attention and who is distracted, may be welcomed by both of you. His insecurities may diminish as a result of yours drying up and he may be less prone to behaviors designed to keep him feeling important as well.
Knowing you have an important inner life, and that your attention to yourself is crucial may just make those times when he's not focusing on you not only okay, but enjoyable!
Aimee Boyle lives, teaches, writes and mothers in CT.