In honor of my grandma’s 105th birthday, which she celebrated on Feb. 22, I've have become inspired to find her a man. She really does not need or want one, but I decided to take to the task of filling out a typical online dating profile form on her behalf, and this is what I came up with for her. I just hope she does not kill me for doing so! (I think she thinks I have listed her in my will, anyway, as she tends to outlive everyone!) The last time she caught me working on the computer when she was visiting, she asked me if I was "one of those sexy sites!” What does a woman her age know about any of that? Frightening!
I just spoke with her today. Yes, she still lives alone in her tiny bungalow she has had since the 1920s. She asked me to come out and visit her once the winter weather dies off. In keeping consistent with her lifelong frame of mind, she merely told me, “We have plenty of time yet. You can come out when it warms up.” Age never crosses her mind. She lives in the spirit of attitude. I hope you will check out these two special links on You Tube I made about her:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=081qpkZRzkc
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z1d10tf318U
Then, check out her online dating profile I wrote on her behalf. No, I have not posted it yet. I probably never will. I just wanted to see general public reaction. She has not been with a man in over 30 years. This could be scary, or entertaining depending on your state of mind. In my opinion, however, Match.com is the best internet dating site around. I have been witness to many match-making miracles on that site.
What is your profile headline?
Speak your mind and enjoy the results!
How do you like to spend your free time?
I like to wake up in the morning and realize I have been given yet another day! I like to shout at the TV and into the phone, especially when my hearing aids are mal-functioning. I like to watch Jeopardy and college basketball games.
Are you a travel buff? If so, where do you like to go?
Anymore, I am lucky if I get out of the living room, let alone the house! I prefer to go wherever they serve food! I have been on 26 cruises and counting! I am taking 22 of my family members on a cruise to Jamaica in July as a celebration of making it into my 106th year of life!
What are some of your favorite things in life?
A steady diet of salt, chocolate, and cookies has served me well over the years. I like hamburgers from McDonald’s and lavish buffets. Excuse me while I duck my head under the sneeze guard and grab a piece of chicken, lick my fingers, and then grab another!
What do you like to read?
A restaurant menu, what else? However, I am not a mind reader, so speak up! I can’t hear you if you are on my left side, anyway. Sit there if you want to say something mean about me. Sit on my right side if you have something good to say.
If you work, what do you do for a job?
Breathe. Sleep. Eat. Turns out I have been doing this for 105 years now and have gotten along just fine. Oh, I ran a successful business along the way, but decided to pursue greener pastures in this new season of my life.
Do you have any pets?
Only pet peeves….and plenty of them!
What is your ancestral background?
I am 100 percent Pennsylvania Dutch!
What is your religion?
I subscribe to the Methodist religion. I was church organist for over 70 years. On the first Sunday I actually sat among the congregation, I had no idea what to do!
How educated are you?
Well, I am not Mensa material, but I am college-educated and was quite the stenographer back in the day. Back in 1910, when I was five years old, my dad told me there was nothing I couldn’t do in life. I believed him, and discovered he was right.
Tell us a bit about yourself and describe your perfect mate:
Who needs a man when you have good food? If you want to join me at the breakfast, lunch, or dinner table, saddle up. Food always tastes better when shared and even more delicious when I take my fork, reach over, and grab a healthy portion off of your plate. Were you going to eat that?
If you are the type of man who can keep pace with 105 years of spitfire and pep, then let’s talk. You must have a passion for college basketball and football, especially when the University of Kansas is playing. I shout frequently at the coaches, so don’t interfere! You must have some teeth, some hair, and some semblance of a mind. I would prefer that you have your own car, even if it has been parked in the garage for the past 15 years.
I love a man who has international experiences. I have been around the world and back, and most of my exciting adventures have taken place on a cruise ship. Those prone to seasickness need not apply. You cannot be afraid to wander up to the topless deck or ask for a Margarita with extra salt around the rim. Better yet, just ask for the salt.
I have always been an active and fit lady, so if your idea of exercise means jumping to conclusions and avoiding the issues, look elsewhere, buddy! My knees my creak and my joints may pop, but I still enjoy loosening myself up every morning.
I have a fondness for playing bridge and a bit of poker. If you can’t keep pace, I won’t allow you to play. We play for pennies, so this is serious business here. Just call me poker face.
I had my annual physical last week, just before my 105th birthday, and the doctor told me, “Kora, there is not a dang thing wrong with you. Your heart is good. Your lungs are great. You even have all of your teeth.” I was thinking, “Surely, there MUST be something wrong with me for me to have lived this long!” I am certain that the only reason God keeps me here on earth is because there is no more room in Heaven. I just have to patiently wait until He kicks out some of the dumb ones.
I am a pretty low maintenance gal. I don’t expect much on birthdays, anniversaries, or special holidays. In fact, if I can’t eat it, I don’t want it. I am not fussy or fancy, not at all worried up about messes or germs. I haven’t been sick a day in my life. In fact, if you were to peek into my handbag, you just might find the usual assortment of lipstick, facial powder, keys, wallet, baggie of McDonald’s leftovers, and baggie of my stool sample to take to the doctor’s office. What’s the problem?
I am looking for the kind of man who will accompany me to the post office, take me to church, make sure I get to Hays every other Saturday to get my toe nails trimmed, and who will sit and chat with me a bit on a lazy afternoon. If you are deaf in one ear like me, we will have to figure out exactly where to sit together so we can actually hear each other instead of simply seeing lips flapping in the wind.
I am looking for a man in the 100 to 110 age range. If I were to dip into the 90s, someone may accuse me of being the ultimate cougar. Those are just kids, anyway. Still wet behind the ears.