Anyone with a newspaper can tell you that scientists are on an everlasting labyrinthine quest to figure women out. Science is particularly obsessed with quantifying women’s sexuality; apparently our needs are much more complex than that of men, with the chief difference being our brains and their role in sexual arousal.
The latest attempt to understand the divine feminine comes in the form of a study named DESIRE, which stands for Desire and its Effects on female Sexuality Including Relationships (catchy, isn’t it?). Researchers gathered a massive pool of over 65,000 women between the ages of 18 to 88 in France, the UK, Spain, and Italy. Then they cut out anyone who didn’t suffer from debilitating, life-impairing low libido, which left about 7,500. After some sweet talking, cajoling, and strategic and targeted hug-o-grams, they finally got about 1,100 women to sit down and spill their guts.
I’ve gotta tell you, these scientists went deep. They poked, they prodded, they observed, and they deduced. They poured liquid into beakers and then turned it into a solid and then dumped it into an oversize jar of formaldehyde to preserve it for all of eternity. They congregated in the break room to snicker about Clancy’s weird eye twitch whenever he went to the bathroom. They worked hard and it was a really big deal.
Finally, they typed up a lab report and faxed it over to Fox News where the assistant Vice President of banana shucking gave it a once-over and yelled “Stop the presses!” to no one in particular. Somehow the study made its way onto the internet vis a vis PressRelease.com and spread a prolific and groundbreaking nugget of profundity to anyone who would listen but mostly confused and horny dudes looking for porn: any woman who doesn’t want to put on lacy underwear and bump uglies in rapid succession with the mailman, the UPS guy, and any other semi-groomed but hairy and vivacious male who happens to walk by is...ready for this?
Stressed out.
Yup. They’re stressed out. Actually, not just stressed out, but stressed out to the max. And those weird things that are at the root of women’s wild shenanigans and incoherent period-related rants…what are they called? Emotions! Yeah, emotions, those are the other things that get in the way of what could otherwise be a lifelong brownie-fueled boinkfest.
Thank goodness for this study. Who would have guessed that women who have zero interest in sex are having emotional problems as well? Not yours truly, that’s for sure.
So there you have it. That just about wraps up this week’s edition of Scientists Studying Women like a Foreign Species and Being Genuinely Shocked When They Behave like Humans. Aren’t you glad the mystery is over?