I have been with my husband for twenty years. We have two children and he is loving and kind and provides us with all we could ever need. we are both attractive and fit.
About a year into our relationship i disscovered him masturbating while looking at my clothes catalogue - he was looking at pictures of the womans faces mostly and while I was sitting downstairs. We were at my parents house at the time as well!!! I was very upset and nearly left him but he came up with so many excusses - didnt want to bother me, just needed relief. At that time we were having sex daily and most of the time i was dressing up for him with basks and stockings and sexy clothesetc etc so I could not understand it. He promised with his whole heart that he would not do it again. I told him I would have not been so upset if it had been a proper porn magazine - although that would have hurt enough.
However, a year or so later I caught him again and this time I realised I would not be able to stop him and agreed that if he was going to do this I had no way of getting into his brain to stop him and that I thought hard porn would not upset me as much as him looking at the faces. We also watched some together and he took pictures of me - we are not shy and i did everything he wanted for the pictures. And I continue to send him pictures on a regular basis to his mobile phone in the hope that he will not need to look at internet porn. However he does not seem to be able to stop and I have caught him so many times now.
Often he goes upstairs in the evening leaving me sitting downstairs - our daughter is only 9 and we do not have a lot of privacy so that way I guess he can do it with out being interupted. I have walked in from the shops during the day and found him or been worried about coming home with my daughter when we have been out in case we catch him I make a point of making noise when I walk in now.
All this even though he knows how much it hurts and how inadeqate I feel. I feel betrayed over and over.
I am now very upset as a few day agos I found a folder on his phone with a couple of pictures of me and 50 or 60 of downloaded porn pics from the internet. Strangley the dirty ones were not as hurtful as the normal looking picture of womans faces. One chinease woman had around 20 dedicated to her alone - lots of her face only - just normal not porn pics. This has dragged up another issue! About 8 years ago my husband took a new job and a very attractive half chinease lady took a bit of a fancy to him. They do trips together with work and althogugh the lady is now married I did have a bit of a worry about them at one point. She has a resemblance to the woman on my husbands phone. Am i being paranoid?? Please help - I am at the end of my teather now and on the point of leaving him although he is always so sorry and breaks down in tears when I tell him how much he is hurting me. I dont want 20 years thrown away but I cant keep being hurt like this. Surely I should just get all the hurt over with in one go? Is he addicted?