Father’s Day can be the most painful day of the year for dads who’ve lost their children. Society still expects men to be the “rock” of the family, the strong ones who keep everything together and never show emotions. Men do grieve, of course, and they grieve very deeply. They just may not do it in a way that women understand or expect. Experts even have a name for this, saying men and women have "incongruent grieving patterns."
Barry Kluger is trying to increase the understanding of men’s grief by sharing his own personal story of the loss of his daughter, and frankly discussing the emotional journey and growth he went through as a result. He said, “Men typically feel they cannot grieve as in most cases, they feel responsible to keep the family together. The pain gets buried and either surfaces in a most unhealthy way or stays buried forever.” Kluger, who lives in Arizona, lost his 18-year-old daughter Erica in a car accident in 2001.
When asked what others can do to help this type of dad, especially around Father’s Day, Kluger said, “Wives, parents, children and friends can assist the grieving process by just showing up. Sometimes, a dad will talk, will walk away or sometimes just shut the door. It is vital for those around dads to know it is NOT about them; it’s about the dad’s own discomfort about what to say or do. You can't withhold love or support because it might make you feel uncomfortable.”
Kluger said the most important thing he’d like others to understand about the loss of a child is that there is life for the parents after death, and often it’s a rather rich life. To help others going through this he made his book a no-holds-barred retelling of the highs and lows around his daughter’s death. He offers his perspective of their unique relationship, including the varying emotions he went though as he grieved: pain, despair, anger, shock, humor and a sense of lost love.
Some people wonder whether fathers who no longer have living children should be included in Father’s Day greetings and events. Says Kluger, “Dads will always be fathers to those they lost. The parenting chores may stop but the love never stops. Dads who have lost children may not admit it because it's difficult, but they want to be reminded of what they had that was good, not what they lost. The label 'dad' stays with us.”
He adds, “Divorced dads are somewhat different. They may feel guilt if a child died during their 'watch' or their relationship with their ex is strained and they never got to mourn together. Normal human relations and conflicts get in the way and the two people who can truly understand the loss never get to cry together.”
"We all grieve differently, some with more grace and control than others," explained Kluger, a former senior media executive with the USA and MTV Networks in New York, and now a well-regarded media consultant. "By sharing my experiences, I'm celebrating Erica's life and the joy she brought to those who were lucky enough to know her."
For those who would benefit from a “how-to” guide, psychologists and grief counselors often recommend The Grief Recovery Handbook, considered a classic resource that helps people complete the grieving process and move toward recovery and happiness.
Another helpful resource is a support group or organization where people have the opportunity to talk openly with others who have had the same experience. The resource list below includes several - readers are encouraged to add their own and share their personal experiences as well.
Just as a woman who has born a child will always be a mother, a father is always a father. Dads who’ve lost their child or children are no exception, on Father’s Day and every day of the year.
Resources:
A Life Undone by Barry Kluger:
http://www.alifeundone.com/
The Grief Recovery Handbook and Institute: http://grief.net/
Cancer support links from a father who lost his son, with information for parents in the United States, United Kingdom, Australia and Canada: http://www.btinternet.com/~memoriesofmax/toplinks/linksframe.htm
Alive Alone - an organization for the education and charitable purposes to benefit bereaved parents, whose only child or all children are deceased, by providing a self-help network and publications to promote communication and healing, to assist in resolving their grief, and a means to reinvest their lives for a positive future. http://www.alivealone.org
Candlelighters - a national non-profit membership organization whose mission is to educate, support, serve and advocate for families of children with cancer, survivors of childhood cancer, and the professionals who care for them. Also contains a bereavement email support group and helpful information about the grieving process under support and bereavement. http://www.candlelighters.org
Compassionate Friends - a national nonprofit, self-help support organization that offers friendship, understanding, and hope to bereaved parents, grandparents and siblings. There is no religious affiliation and there are no membership dues or fees. http://www.compassionatefriends.org
Compassion Books - resources to help children and adults through serious illness, death, loss, grief and bereavement. Reviewed and selected by knowledgeable professionals. http://www.compassionbooks.com/
Bereaved Parents of the USA - a national non-profit self-help group that offers support, understanding, compassion and hope to bereaved parents, grandparents and siblings struggling to rebuild their lives after the death of their children, grandchildren or siblings. http://www.bereavedparentsusa.org/
Centering Corporation is a non-profit organization dedicated to providing education and resources for the bereaved http://www.centering.org
Parents of Murdered Children is a non-profit organization founded in 1978 to provide self-help groups to support people who are suffering through the violent death of someone close. http://www.pomc.com/