Hi,
I am struggling to find a way to feel satisfied and loved in my relationship. My partner and I have been together for five years and have lived together for one. Throughout the relationship, I have wanted sex more than him. It has never been a matter of the passion just levelling off. His sex drive hasn't been affected by stress - I've been with him through periods of high stress and low stress and it doesn't seem to make a difference. He is overweight and a smoker, though.
He used to be a really wild guy - before me, of course. I am 31 and he is 38 and we have had prior relationships. I have never had a really crazy, passionate sexual relationship; my last partner was a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, so there wasn't much going on in that relationship either. So even though I love my current partner and want to be with him for the rest of my life, there are days when I'm just mad and there are days when I'm just sad because I feel like this really vital part of myself just gets ignored, and that's hard because it's been ignored for so long.
I have also gained weight - quite a lot - in the last five years and sometimes I worry that he just doesn't find *me* attractive, and that's why we're not having sex. When I ask him about it he assures me that it's not me, it's him, and he doesn't know why. He doesn't seem troubled by it. I've suggested that maybe he should talk to his doctor about it but of course it hasn't happened yet. He's embarrassed and I understand that. It's just hard to keep being patient.
I want to be a loving partner and I'm not going to go do anything stupid like cheat on him, but at the same time, I'm a very sensual person and I *need* to express that side of myself. All of my attempts to get him to see some grey area (like we can make out without going all the way) end up failing; he just pushes me away and says he's not in the mood. I can't convince him that just touching me or french kissing or giving each other massages, or, or, or... would help sooo much. That's what all the books say, "find a middle ground" - but what do you do when your partner won't work with you?
Argh, so frustrated!