Jealousy and envy are two of the ugliest emotions when they go unchecked, especially regarding romantic relationships and friendships.
According to Merriam-Webster’s online dictionary, to be jealous is to be “intolerant of rivalry or unfaithfulness,” “disposed to suspect rivalry or unfaithfulness,” “hostile toward a rival or one believed to enjoy an advantage” and “vigilant in guarding a possession.”
The dictionary also says that envy is “painful or resentful awareness of an advantage enjoyed by another joined with a desire to possess the same advantage.”
It seems that in the dictionary’s definition, jealousy can be at least useful when someone will not put up with unfaithfulness, but envy is more of an unnecessary pain for whoever becomes envious, though it could always push that person to do better for herself.
I have had my own fair share of these two emotions, whether having these emotions myself or dealing with people who have them toward me or related to me. I have found that these two emotions sometimes run together.
For example, I have felt jealous when my boyfriend hung out with other women because I wasn’t 100 percent sure that only innocent things would happen, but I have also felt that way because I was insecure. Along with that, I would start thinking about the women he was hanging out with and feel envious of how they looked (skinny, prettier, etc.), which was another part of my insecurity.
In those situations where you start feeling envy or jealousy, it’s important to look at the cause of those emotions and decide if your gut is actually telling you something, or if the emotions are inappropriate and caused by your own internal problems, like low self-esteem.
When you learn to look at the world in a different way and appreciate yourself more, I think those emotions will be less prominent in your life, though of course changing how you view the world can be difficult.
An article from PsychCentral gives eight ways to avoid jealousy and envy, which include getting to know more information about the person you envy in order to realize he or she isn’t as perfect as you think and has flaws just like anyone else.
Another is to “do one thing better than her.” However, I think the article focuses too much on one-upping the person you are envious and jealous of. If there was more of a focus on improving your own self-confidence and bettering yourself and skills, then there would be less of a focus on trying to do better than someone else and even trying to take them down.
An article from Psychology Today talks about how jealousy might be unnecessary in romantic relationships, since people tend to switch partners in the modern world anyway. I agree somewhat, but I also think if you are happy with what you have and don’t want to give it up, you shouldn’t have to.
If someone is jealous because a partner is actually cheating or something else hurtful, then the other person in the relationship has a right to feel jealous and attempt to win him or her back, though they also have a right to decide that person doesn’t deserve their love anymore. So, in a sense the author was right, because if your partner does something that rightfully makes you jealous, then they probably aren’t the right person for you anyway, so you can end those feelings of jealousy by ending the relationship.
The article also suggests that jealousy can be an internal struggle and when you start feeling jealousy, it might be a signal to start working on yourself, especially if your partner is not doing anything harmful to your relationship.
Another interesting article I came across talked about jealousy research. It stated that gender is thought to play a role in differences in jealousy. For example, it is mainly thought that men are more upset when a woman cheats sexually versus emotionally, whereas a woman is more upset when a man cheats emotionally.
However, the recent research found that it depends on the individual and how he or she forms attachments.
I agree with this research, because I personally would feel more hurt by a man cheating sexually. For me, emotional cheating is absurd, because I think most people in relationships think romantically about another person at some point, but acting on it is a different story. If emotional cheating means becoming obsessed about another person, that might be a little more hurtful.
What are your thoughts? Are jealousy and envy a big part of your life? How have you learned to cope with these emotions?
Sources:
http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2009/05/12/8-ways-to-overcome-jealousy-and-envy/
http://www.merriam-webster.com/
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200906/jealousy-loves-destroyer
http://www.psychologicalscience.org/media/releases/2010/levy.cfm