In the intricate and often treacherous game we call dating, we’re always looking for answers to impossible questions, trying to make sense of unpredictable situations and over-analyzing every interaction. Speaking with women around me, I found that a highly common dilemma for those beginning to date a new partner centers on the appropriate length of time to wait before “going all the way.” Ultimately, it seems as if the method behind your madness is what is important; what are some factors that influence your decision? Are you looking for committed love? Or a fun fling? There are many different rationales and opinions that shape decisions about this potentially crucial event, and the wide range of beliefs got me thinking. Below are two of the different attitudes on the topic of waiting that were most commonly expressed to me.
(Disclaimer: Of course, the best time to have sex is when you can talk about the action and its consequences with your partner. You should never feel pressured to do anything you aren’t comfortable with, and you should always be certain that your actions stem from personal desires, not the motives of others.)
Opinion #1: Sex is an extremely important part of my romantic interactions, and I want to know what I’m getting physically before I invest effort in the emotional aspect of an ongoing relationship. Why wait and play games?
Analysis: While jumping into sexual activity without any prior contemplation or risk assessment can put you into tricky or even dangerous situations, with the right tools, information and context, there’s no reason a girl can’t pursue the level of sexual interaction that she desires, no waiting necessary. After all, society encourages men to capitalize on the first opportunity to get physical as soon as their sex drive demands, so why shouldn’t women use a similar mentality? If this is the approach you are taking, it’s important to use protection and precautions that will keep you safe and in control of your body and mind.
Opinion #2: I am planning to set a mandatory period of waiting time for myself before engaging in sexual activity to ensure that my partner is interested for the “right” reasons. If I allow sexual interaction too early in the game, my partner might assume I’m not worth getting to know in other contexts/the “long-term”.
Analysis: Many women I spoke with believed sex was a reward for their partner to enjoy once he/she demonstrated they could be faithful and a good match personality-wise. Sexual interaction definitely inserts a different dynamic into relationships, adding a certain kind of responsibility or level of intimacy, and therefore meriting a good deal of consideration beforehand. However, I’m skeptical about the technique of setting arbitrary time restrictions, as more often than not they are broken, resulting in less healthy relations than might occur in pre-planned instances. (Hint: this is the reason why I believe abstinence-only education is ineffective.)
These two philosophies are in no way exhaustive or all-inclusive and I’m sure many of you have opinions that fall in between. Share your expertise with us. If there is interest, I would love to expand on the topic, and more importantly, hear your thoughts!