I remember when my children were young. Not that they're not young now, but one's on the verge of twelvedom which feels like adolescence and one's beginning to sweat in a way that makes me think of a locker room when I walk past him in the hallway. Far from needing their diapers changed, they still need a lot, and harkening back to the days when they were little, it feels like it's been twelve years of putting myself through a cheese grater. There are so many strands of me flying out in so many different directions that at times I've cursed the phrase "having it all" under my breath as I negotiated hurriedly into my cell phone with my son's school nurse and rushed off to teach my next class...
There have been moments when I thought, "What on earth was I thinking?" when I took on the seemingly superhuman task of bearing, raising and loving two children and then going out and maintaining and excelling at a career. I just wanted to have a family and was raised in the seventies, by a working mom, with friends whose mothers all worked, and so I was raised to believe working outside the home was a normal state of being for a woman.
These days so many of us take for granted the fact that we'll simultaneously hold a job and raise a family that we feel inadequate somehow if it all seems too much. But really, it is too much. Particularly without the assistance of extended family, loads of ready cash or a live-in nanny, preparing for your job, cleaning your house, loving your partner (if you've got one) and taking care of your offspring can feel, at times, not like having it all, but as if you have nothing at all.
There is an unspoken level of tension, depression and hopelessness among "career women" or "working mothers" who so often struggle with the twin dragons of mothering and professionalism, slicing themselves up in the process, never feeling whole, never feeling centered and always wondering what's been left undone.
During those days when I have slain one dragon (i.e, my boss is not angry with me) the other rears it's head mightily (my partner needs to talk, my child is ill) and really, there are scant few moments in the day with anything left over for the likes of hot bubble baths and poetry.
It's not surprising to me that "cougars" are more common these days; women have stress levels requiring intense pleasure in their relationships and often don't even want the hassle of long term commitment. Similarly, it's not surprising to me to hear that heart disease and heart attacks are on the rise as leading causes of death among women; we're shell shocked from the moment our babies are placed in our arms to the moment they leave for college if, indeed, they are college bound at all.
There are certainly no quick-fixes or easy answers for this "having it all" conundrum. During the moments my partner is satisfied, my children are laughing and passing their classes, our bills are (mostly) paid and the animals are not limping, I take intense, profound gladness in all that life surrounding me, all that effort, energy, brilliance, dedication and love, not just on my part, but on the part of this whole unit that keeps chugging along, day after day, evening after evening, lost lunch box after lost lunch box. Amazing accomplishment though it is, having it all can really twist you into knots if you're not careful.
The following are some techniques I've adopted to make it through the day.
* Get up way earlier than you have to. All bill paying, lunch making, exercising, dog walking and fretting over tonight's dinner can be done while the household is still asleep, giving you at least a small sense of serenity. When the children are ready to get up and get out, you will only be focusing on that instead of crazily doing sit-ups and combing your hair while the cat absent mindedly licks their cornflakes.
* Stay twenty minutes, but not two hours later than you need to at work. Doing this will help you stay organized and tie up loose ends for the morning, but will not drain you so much that you can't still come home with some energy left over.
* Meditate using the following technique: close your eyes and envision the twin of yourself hugging you and asking you to tell her all about your problems. This is yourself, remember, so you don't have to apologize for whining, or try to put up a brave front, or handle things well, just let it all out, then let her wrap you in her arms for a good ten minutes. Do this as you're falling asleep at night and even in the shower.
* Have a Saturday or Sunday afternoon of nada. Don't clean, cook or take the family out anywhere. Take a nap, do yoga, watch a movie, but nothing productive. It will make you feel less angry and deprived of free time and enable you to go for it again the following day.
* Finally, take your comedy seriously. Use comedy, listen to comedy, watch comedy as much as you can and devote yourself to the way it makes you feel. Laughter truly is the best medicine, and if you're not self medicating or doing unhealthy activities to anesthetize yourself, laughing will work wonders for you.
Remember that the people in your life need you and appreciate you more than you know and that it's okay to take time off, too.
Aimee Boyle lives in southern CT where she is a special education teacher. She raises two boys, and avoids eating entire tubs of ice cream to feel better. She is a regular contributor to EmpowHER.