To be honest I was sexually taken advantage of as a young girl and through my years of experience in relationships. Men have lied and burned me in the end. My trust level is not very good and usually it takes time for me to fully trust my partner. I am seperated from my husband after 20 yrs of marriage. I made a choice to leave my husband as I was no longer in love with him and don't believe in hanging on for the kids sake. While seperated off and on the last 8 yrs, I have been seeing another man. I have always referred to him as "my lover" because he is who I go to for my sexual needs and affection. To make a long story short, I am in love with my boyfriend (lover) and could no longer live under my husbands roof and constantly wish I were with my boyfriend. So after all these yrs I finally left my husband for good and moved in perminatly with my bf. Here is my problem: I have cheated on men and they have cheated on me. I'm now going to be 40 and I want a healthy, faithful, loving relationship with one man. I have chosen my bf as he is the man that makes me tick. However, he demands things of me such as "you need to make a decsion and choose who you want to be with"? Or he has told me to not be double standard as to I don't like him having relations with women he has had past sex with but I'm okay with women he has always just been friends with and no sex or with his guy friends wife or girlfriends as long as the woman gives me respect and does not make passes at my bf. I have made friends with some of my bf guy friends but I don't hang out with them and go see a movie or talk to them everyday or email them all the time or call them and if I do usually my bf is right there listening or reading the email I'm sending out. My bf has a problem with me even being friendly to his guy friends and I feel that he is being ridiculous. I don't have any social networks I'm affiliated with and I have one email address I use and ymessenger to communicate with my exhusband and boyfriend. However my bf has many social networks and usernames, some I don't know and others I do. He has women and only women asking to be his friends online on Windows Live, Facebook, Ymessenger and I have seen them and read some of the emails or texts. My bf deny's there for him and deny's knowing the individual ymessenging him. I know a person can not have continued conversation with another unless you accept them and place them in your contacts. Ymessenger on Yahoo was to be just for me and him to communicate and lately I have seen many women sending invitations and a certain female holding conversations with him and definitly more then once. The messages or encoded so I can't read them entirely and it makes me suspicious and hurts my feelings. My bf has promised to close down his social networks (Windows Live, Facebook, Ivillage, Aim) and even though I have left my husband and live here now with my bf he still has not done what he promised. He is still talking to other women and trys to be sneaky about it but I know. He trys to use minipulation on me but it won't work anymore on me. I've seen him respond and read the messages but even if I put it in his face he denys it and then says I have a problem and need help. He wants for me to trust him or feel secure in our relationship but how can I when I have made the changes and sacrifices and he is still doing the same thing and lying to me on top of it. If he really wants this relationship with me then why would he jepordizes it by continuing to communicate to other women via internet or even phone video, webcame, etc. I don't have a cell phone so who is he talking to that calls him on phone video? When his phone receives them it tells him to connect to the server needed to view the videos and of course he lies to me and says he knows nothing about it and I'm messing with his phone. Just the other day I saw a message on his ymessenger from one of the girls I've seen sending him messages before. I read part of the message and other parts were encoded. He starts yelling after he ask me what is wrong. I don't say word but place his phone in front of him and point to her message. He then yells and says it is an advertisment but its not and then tells me he thinks its me messing with him or messing up his phone. I cant believe that I commite to him, move in with him, give my heart entirely to him, stay faithful and love him and he won't cut these ties with these women. I thought maybe he needs time as he is probably in shock. However I am hurting very bad inside and I want to believe he is faithful to me but he lays down nothing for me to feel secure about. I don't know what to do and I have tried calmly to talk to him to make him understand but he gets defensive, then trys to say what about you, and yells and tells me I'm tired of your accusations. He shares files, locations but with who cuz it is not me. He has ymessenger on when he is sitting right next to me and I'll hear it chime him to a message just received and he will act like he heard nothing. I just feel he is not being true to me and may be seeing someone else. I know that I cant handle this much longer as it is self torture. He does not seem interested in my feelings and maybe doesn't think I will leave him but I will if he continues to do this to me. For now what would you suggest I do and am I insecure or is he making me insecure?