Life is a fairy tale for some. They grow up in a functional family, are decent and educated people who get a good job, marry, have kids and enjoy a good life, with ups and downs in between. Or we grow up, find a mate and live together, enjoying the freedoms that coupledom allows. We can also grow up to be single and very satisfied. We all know the fairy tale isn’t perfect, but it’s mostly perfect for us. The key is to find the right life for us and not be afraid to live it.
But what happens when the fairy tale is perfect except for one huge thing--you want to have, nurture and raise a child and your partner does not. Maybe kids aren’t for him or he has kids with someone else. Maybe he had his children young and they’re adults now. Doing it all over again holds no interest to him. He has been there and done that. Or never has and doesn’t want to. Either way, he wants no part of baby raising and you do – desperately. So what’s a couple to do?
Make a Pro and Con list
Yes, even for kids, make the list. Talking about the cost, the loss of all personal time, the potential for having a special needs child, and how careers and incomes may change may put things into a hard financial perspective. Also talk about the rewards of raising children, the activities and excitement as well as the unconditional love of a child. These pros may outweigh the cons just by thinking about them.
Be realistic
Can you afford a child? While there is no perfect time to have a child, there are better times than others. Having a baby when paying the mortgage is a struggle, health insurance is in jeopardy or jobs may be lost is not the time to have a baby. A couple needs to have a nest egg put away and a plan for when one salary may be lost. Remember that a couple’s financial status is usually not the same once they have a child. Be prepared.
Also talk about who will work and who will do the hands-on care. If choosing a daycare, who will pick up and drop off? Which parent will be the go-to person when baby is sick or the daycare is closed/the nanny is sick? Not doing this can build a lot of resentment from the de facto go-to parent.
Is now the time to give up your freedom?
While activities like sports and travel do not have to end simply because one has a baby, they will change, decrease or stop at least temporarily. Travel will always include a baby and late mornings in bed with coffee and a newspaper will end, or at least be shared by a little one who needs your care and attention. The baby will figure into every decision you make; from the job you have to whether you go out for dinner tonight.
Is it fair to other children?
If this is a second marriage, is it fair to bring new children into a situation where children are already there, needing attention and care due to divorce or death? The living children must take precedence over potential new babies. Couples also need to ask themselves if they really want to go back to night feedings, diapers and baby-proofing the home if they are enjoying the relative freedom of having older or adult children. The change can be stunning, quite literally. If the couple is older, then there are health aspects to consider. Also remember that unfortunately, there may be family or social pressure to reproduce. If a child is not wanted, have a few clever responses to fire back to nosy people!
Honest and open communication is vital. Talk things through and never guilt trip one partner. Just because you want a child, doesn’t mean he will. Before committing to marriage or a civil union, both parties need to be clear about their expectations from the marriage and that must include the possibility of children. Choosing a life without kids is perfectly fine and is not some sort of flaw. In fact, people who know they don’t want children and who take steps not to have them are far more selfless and smart that those having children they can’t afford and possibly resent.
In the end, a yes and a no should mean a no. Having a child is the biggest commitment a human being can make. Someone should not be forced, tricked or guilted into making a commitment he or she never wanted. Marriages have failed for far less.
Make sure these honest conversations happen before a commitment is made. While some people change their mind about children, many do not. Get everything out in the open. In the end, couples may find they are happy and content as just that – a couple. Others may change their minds, have a family and love every minute of it. Some will walk away because it’s the right thing to do. This topic is a deal breaker for many. Going into a committed relationship with realism and a willingness to accept the wants and needs of the other can make a marriage strong and long-lasting. People do change in marriage, as do their circumstances. Be open to discussion. What people want in the beginning may not be what they desire later. But a subject like this should be talked about far before the wedding bells ring and the honeymoon is over; otherwise that flawed but wonderful fairytale may never happen.
Tell Us:
How did you and your partner decide about children? Was it something discussed before marriage?