Whether it is in a restaurant or in the bedroom, some women have no qualms about asking for exactly what they want – and getting it – while some of us are a little more hesitant when it comes to describing the specific way we want our omelet cooked.
Yes, I just used egg preparation to represent sexual activity. You’re welcome.
In theory, every empowered feminist/activist/advocate knows how important it is to communicate and stand up for her needs, no matter the setting.
Unfortunately, this doesn’t make it any easier for many of us to ask for what we need. Especially in a sexual situation.
Luckily for those of us who are unsure about the least awkward way to be a self-advocate in bed; practice makes perfect. Note: this advice also applies to creating the perfect omelet.
Below are five steps shy women can take in order to articulate their way to orgasm:
1. Know what you want. If you haven’t spent enough time perusing the menu, you will be hopeless when it is your turn to order. Before you invite a partner to become intimate, get to know your own body and what makes you feel good. Explore your erogenous zones, experiment with new sensations, and get comfortable with the idea and practice of pleasure.
2. Practice the vocabulary. Many of us feel uncomfortable or embarrassed to use sexually charged or anatomical words out loud. When you are alone, practice describing out loud the details of your aroused body , no matter how strange it sounds: “My vagina is wet right now.” “This is my clitoris.” Get used to the descriptors and the nouns – remember your genitalia are just another crucial part of your body. No need to be frightened!
3. Talk to yourself. Once you are comfortable speaking about your arousal, practice describing out loud what makes your body feel good. Start with simple "I statements": “I feel turned on when..." “I love when …” “I feel good when …” Make sure to be specific in your description – don’t shy away from using the anatomy terms you rehearsed in step 2.
4. Graduate to "The Ask". Asking for what you want/need is more difficult than simply stating what you already feel because it requires you to know what might take your arousal to the next level. Examples: “I feel good when my clitoris is rubbed slowly – could you touch me very gently?” “I feel turned on when my nipple is touched – could you use your tongue?” Again – practice asking these questions while you are alone first, being descriptive and confident!
5. Bring in a partner! Start slowly, simply describing what feels good just as you did when you were alone. Many people get pleasure from hearing words associated with sex and some simply garner enjoyment from hearing the noises their partner makes during lovemaking, so push away any discomfort and take the plunge! Slowly, begin to clarify your sexual communication and ask for what you would like. Be the self-advocate you know you can be! I guarantee your partner will appreciate the directions you provide and both of you will emerge from the experience more satisfied, more confident and more intimately connected.
As always, feel free to comment below with your own recipe to success. And you better believe I’m not only talking about omelets here…Bon Appetit!