How often have you tried having a meaningful conversation with your teen daughter and the well-meaning chat ended up in an argument with either one of you walking out in frustration or anger?
Here are some pointers that can help making your quality time with your teen daughter an enjoyable experience and not something you dread:
1. Don’t Only Hear, Listen:
Whether you are sitting for an informal and light-hearted conversation, for a serious talk or when she is seeking your opinion, it is a must that you engage in the conversation. By engage, I mean doing more than just hearing. Show that you are focusing on the issue that concerns her or a funny episode she wants to share. Do not seem preoccupied or look distracted with on-goings of the day. Your "only hearing" or "actually listening" will become apparent by your facial expression and your feedback while conversing with her. This could set the tone of willingness to chat with you the next time she feels like talking to you or seeking your advice. (Source: About.com Guide; Report Title: ‘Active Listening’; Author: Denise Witmer; URL: http://parentingteens.about.com/cs/disciplin1/a/activelistening.htm)
2. Watch the Body Language:
This applies to watching your own body language and your teen daughter’s as well. Your own body language will tell your daughter if you are open to an issue or opinion or discussion or not, whether you are tense about something, are willing to be a part of her life, distracted about something at the time of the conversation or even if you are uncomfortable discussing something. She may not decipher these signals coming from you consciously, but realize them at a sub-conscious level during the conversation or analyze them later. She may decide on not sharing often afterward.
Similarly, you should watch her body language as well and be aware of it. It will signal her mental and emotional disposition which you can rectify as per the demand of the situation.
3. External Interruptions:
When you plan to have together time, make sure potential disturbances are taken care of. You may want to turn off the television or keep your cell phone on mute/vibrate mode. These signs will show to your daughter that you value this time together and wish to listen to her and talk with her giving her full attention. You can help her notice, if she has not already, by mentioning it to her so that she may appreciate the gesture and do the same over a period of time.
4. Evaluation and Criticism:
Be patient and hear her out. Her side of the story needs to be told to you and you must give it the chance to be told without pre-judging the content. If you interrupt her midway with what you think of her as a person, her decision or the incident, it will send out the signal of rejection. Teens fear parental judgment and criticism. Remember, you are her parent and your primary duty is to support her through her ordeals. You will undoubtedly have an opinion on the issue as a parent and it may be one which does not agree with hers. You need not voice it immediately. You can take the time to think about your response. First reactions are generally harsher and emotionally-driven which have the potential to damage relationships. Buying time will make time for you to give a more balanced response.
5. Respect:
Even though she is your grown baby, you must respect her views. Her views may be immature and may suffer from a lack of generational wisdom, but they are hers developed from her experience of life which are very different from your own. Also as your teen daughter transitions into adulthood, your respect for her, and as a feedback and support parameter will play a crucial role in her finding her own identity, footing and confidence in her own world. Respect is the single most visible and palpable element that children emulate from parents. There is a high chance that she will reciprocate the show of respect to you as well. (Source: American Academy of Pediatrics; Article Title: ‘ With Your Teen: Tips For Parents’; Pages 1 and 2; URL: http://www.aap.org/featured/talkingwithyourteen.pdf)
6. Control:
If you were meeting a group of friends at a cafe for a catch-up chat, would you like if a friend monopolized the whole conversation? You probably would not mind if she was going through troubled times and was looking for a place to vent. It would be a different matter altogether if you met every week for a chat. The same principle applies to conversations between any two people regardless of the relationship between them. If you are looking to hear her views, opinions, and encourage her to share more of her life with you and open up to you, then why would you give a "talking down to" rather than "talking with" your teen? Control of the conversation also signifies your need to control her life which could be unhealthy and create more barriers to communication.
Mamta Singh is a published author of the books Migraines for the Informed Woman (Publisher: Rupa & Co. URL: http://www.amazon.com/Migraines-Informed-Woman-Tips-Sufferer/dp/8129115174/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1298990756&sr=1-2), the upcoming Rev Up Your Life! (Publisher: Hay House India) and Mentor Your Mind (Publisher: Sterling Publishers). She is also a seasoned business, creative and academic writer. She is a certified fitness instructor, personal trainer & sports nutritionist through IFA, Florida USA. Mamta is an NCFE-certified Holistic Health Therapist SAC Dip U.K. She is the lead writer and holds Expert Author status in many well-received health, fitness and nutrition sites. She runs her own popular blogs on migraines in women and holistic health. Mamta holds a double Master's Degree in Commerce and Business. She is a registered practitioner with the UN recognised Art of Living Foundation.