Father’s Day has passed, along with Men’s Health Week, but that doesn’t mean the health of fathers should be overlooked for the rest of the year. In fact, daughters can actually play an important role in promoting mental health wellness in their fathers throughout the year.
Experts have suggestions for how daughters can help look after their fathers’ mental health, and provide some signs of potential mental health issues in aging men.
The California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists provided via a press release some “common signs of stress” that fathers (and their daughters) can be aware of before a further mental health issue could develop:
1) “Physical symptoms: Sleep disturbance, fatigue, muscle tension and weight fluctuation.”
2) “Emotional symptoms: Including nervousness, anxiety, lack of concentration and overreaction to small things.”
3) “Relational symptoms: Increase in number of arguments, conflicts with co-workers and road rage.”
The Association also provided some tips for fathers to help them manage stress. (Daughters could also suggest these tips to their fathers.)
These include prioritizing what needs to get accomplished during the day instead of becoming overwhelmed over a massive list (and taking small breaks when necessary), and making sure to laugh throughout the day. Live a healthy lifestyle, taking time to “relax and breathe deeply.” Utilize a mental health professional, and ask for assistance instead of doing everything on your own always.
Marilyn Belleghem, a marriage and family therapist, speaker, consultant and author, had a personal experience where she helped her father while he was battling with cancer.
“My dad died after a struggle with cancer, and he went through times of sadness and times of acceptance,” Belleghem said in an email.
“I spent many hours with him, and getting him talking was one area that was especially rewarding for both of us. He couldn't believe at first that I could listen for long periods of time to his stories of his life. I knitted while he talked, and asked questions about his tales.”
She has seven suggestions for daughters who want to help their fathers with their mental health:
1. “Let your dad know you are willing to listen.”
2. “Ask questions to help him feel his stories have value.”
3. “Record or type as he speaks his tales as you may want to create a memory book.”
4. “Talk of the future and make plans for meetings, phone chats, meals together, and always keep your word.”
5. “Keep him involved in your activities with stories and pictures. Parents think a lot about their children even when they don't see them. Following their stories is like reading a good book with the ups and downs.”
6. “If grandkids are involved, work to foster relationships between the generations.”
7. “Accept his fears and pay attention rather than denying them or minimizing them.”
Belleghem also provided seven signs of mental health issues in fathers that daughters can look out for:
1. “Lack of interest in the present or future - depression.”
2. “Stopping social interactions.”
3. “Loss of interest in former activities or people.”
4. “Fears that are hard to express, so are spoken about as if they are a possibility.”
5. “Poor hygiene.”
6. “Outbursts of temper.”
7. “Inappropriate sexual comments and actions.”
Allison Lloyds, a licensed psychotherapist, said there are many normal signs of aging, so it’s important for daughters to distinguish among those and signs of something more serious.
For example, some forgetfulness is normal.
“I would encourage children to help their parents plan activities that keep them engaged and as active as possible on a daily basis,” Lloyds said in an email.
“Some examples might be: volunteering in the community or joining a book group.”
For daughters who don’t live near their fathers or don’t see them on a regular basis, it can be difficult to tell when they are potentially having mental health issues.
But Lloyds does have a few tips for daughters to become more involved in the mental health maintenance of their fathers.
“It is important to try to set up an open communication line with other family members, neighbors or friends who might be able to give you details of how they are doing and what issues might arise,” she said.
“You can also make it a priority to check in with an aging parent to ask if they have been having any difficulties of any sort. Sometimes parents don't want to burden their children with mental or physical health issues -- so if you raise the subject it makes it easier for them to share.”
If fathers do share that they are starting to have difficulties, it is important to coordinate with a professional to assist them.
Elika Kormeili, a licensed marriage and family therapist, said in an email that daughters have a unique advantage in helping their fathers with mental health issues.
“Women are natural caretakers and a source of nurture,” Kormeili said.
“The father-daughter relationship is frequently the only time that a father can experience pure love that is nonsexual, thus boosting his self-esteem and confidence.”
“As daughters, we have had the opportunity to go to our fathers for advice (even though we did not always like the advice),” she added.
“This opportunity not only provided beneficial advice to us daughters but also provided an opportunity for our fathers to feel included in our lives, valued and important. In speaking with many fathers, some report that they frequently feel ‘nagged’ by their wives. Daughters have an opportunity to provide health-enhancing advice for their fathers while making it fun (no nagging approach). For example, if you are concerned with his health, invite him to go on a walk or take a hike with you. The key is to make the activity fun and enjoyable (no emotionally charged conversations) so that he would want to do it again because it is enjoyable.”
She said that when men age, they can feel they are no longer valuable, especially if they are used to being a “breadwinner” and are now retired.
“In these cases, the men have identified themselves with their work and their ability to provide for their families,” Kormeili said.
“I personally believe that retirement is the worst thing for mental health. In order to feel happy and confident, people need to be productive and active. Many people who retire, especially men, began to experience depression and some report anxiety. They began to isolate, sleep more, and their eating patterns change.”
She personally is helping her father with his upcoming retirement by asking him to help her work on a book, which will help her and keep him busy.
She suggested that daughters become aware of some mental health issues that aging men might encounter in order to help their fathers more, including general signs of depression.
There are also general changes in behavior that fathers might experience when they age and retire.
“It is important to recognize that as men age they may try to reconnect more with the family as an effort to ‘claim a new identity’ within the family,” Kormeili said.
“They many began asking questions and sharing their opinions. If you are not used to it, it may become annoying. It is important for women to recognize this as a man's way of trying to feel included. Therefore, give him opportunities to feel included and ask for his opinion. It would work wonders on his self-esteem and on your relationship, but please whatever you do -- don't make him wrong!”
Men who age also change physically, and some of these changes (like loss of strength and wrinkles) may cause self-esteem and self-confidence issues. In these cases where adaptation to change is difficult, she suggested seeing a mental health professional for extra help.
Sources:
California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists. PR Newswire. The Father’s Day Gift Every Dad Needs: Mental Wellness. Web. June 20, 2012.
http://www.prnewswire.com/news-releases/the-fathers-day-gift-every-dad-needs-mental-wellness-159173095.html
Belleghem, Marilyn. Email interview. June 19, 2012.
http://www.mbcinc.ca
Lloyds, Allison. Email interview. June 19, 2012.
http://www.synergeticpsychotherapy.com
Kormeili, Elika. Email interview. June 19, 2012.
http://www.happylivingla.com
Reviewed June 20, 2012
by Michele Blacksberg RN
Edited by Jody Smith