Hi, my name is Nadine. I'm a teen who has been a victim of childhood rape. I was raped by a relative when I was about 4. This continued on for the summer I was at my grandparents’ house. I never told a soul. It wasn’t that I was afraid of telling, I just remember thinking that every kid experienced that and it was a normal thing. I didn’t understand that what happened was wrong and what kid would, if you were raped by a person you trusted.
Once, I got back into the States, I began having nightmares and experimenting with other kids. Yep, I kissed girls and boys as a kid. So, I guess I would be kind of considered bi-sexual. I never saw anything wrong with it but, I as I grew older I did. I never went as far as sex, and to this day I have a phobia of sex. Back to the nightmares’ topic. These nightmares were actually flashbacks that would be in first-person to then, third-person view. One minute I was an outsider looking in then, to being in the body of the little girl.
I would end up sleeping with my parents because of my fear of being alone. To this day, I don’t sleep without a nightlight and am very sensitive to noises. As a child, I was a happy go kid before being raped I remember I liked attention and being with people. I’m not that way anymore, I tend to be more of a loner and I don’t like being in crowds, I get panic attacks. I’m also very sensitive to the topic of sex or abuse of any kind. I would rather not hear it because then, I feel that I need to do something about it.
I never told my friends or family, but one person. I know my rapist is special to my mom and I would rather not let her suffer over the fact she couldn’t protect me. I also know that my mom would go crazy and I not emotionally ready for that. I want to tell her once I’m 18 because I want her to not have control over me. She would make me do things that I’m not comfortable with. I want to be able to see someone over it without her thinking that there’s something wrong with me, she believes that I would need to go to some mental hospital or the therapist’s visits would be on my record.. Also, my mom’s sister was raped by a relative and she says that she would kill him if she ever saw him; she was really upset over it and to this day, can’t handle it well.
I really could care less what happens to my rapist but, I know he won’t harm anyone else, he can’t now. I suppose I should feel guilty or revengeful but I don’t. I have always felt numb inside and I have always been a kind soul. I rather live past the pain and move on. If someone asked me if I was raped, I would tell them in some ways I was and it some ways I wasn’t. I don’t view the person I am today as a rape victim because I’m not that child who was raped. I hundred percent believe that I mentally protect myself from things so who I am today is the person that I become to avoid the pain and trauma I felt as a kid.
I think that my childhood self is lost inside me and the person I am today protects that side of me. I don’t think that I have any problems with trusting that much. I am a bit picky of who can be my friends and who I tell my secrets to. I don’t have a person I tell everything to, I’m a very private person. I also have the ability to sense what kind of person a person is by the first meeting. I prefer to not date in high school for the reason I don’t think I can offer everything that another teen expects from me. I don’t like being in public a lot or having to know that I would one day I have to deal with a break-up. I rather avoid that until I find someone who I feel I could trust fully. I just haven’t yet.
Although, I don’t date, it’s extremely hard since I have an innocence vibe and am very pretty. I just like being by myself and not having someone there for me. It doesn’t help that I’m stubborn and I don’t like help, and I feel sometimes, people will view me as weak over what happened to me. It is my only weakness that could be used against me. I don’t have any regrets but, to have said something as a kid. Now, I’m waiting till I hit 18. I’m not sure how I should exactly feel about being rape. I was told by a priest that I should live in the present, not in past which helped. I got help for my anxiety and depression that hits me once in a while by a school counselor but, I never really talked my rape. It’s a touchy subject and I don’t really have any desire to know what exactly happened (the details) and why it happened. I know I was raped but, don’t need any more information about it. I’m in a good place now but, it bothers me I haven’t t told my family yet.
So, that’s my story. It’s pretty complicated for a teen like me. I just wanted to tell you my entire story. Believe me that it gets better and you will survive. All you need is to understand that it wasn’t your fault because you took no part in it. Even if you didn’t say no or you didn’t really know what was going on, it isn’t your fault. If you need someone to talk to, I’m available at [email protected]. I would love to hear how other people coped with their rape. I have only met one person who was molested and I felt really good after chatting with her so it does help to talk to someone especially if they gone through something similar to your experience.
A Rape Survivor,
Nadine
P.S. The nightmares I experienced were really helpful in understanding what happened to me. I felt better because I knew it my heart that no one could tell me that it didn’t happen. I no longer have the nightmares because I’m not afraid or embarrassed of it. I know who I am and I have respect for myself which is pretty hard to have after being raped. I think I’m in some ways a miracle because I was able to live again without ever trying drugs or self-harming, I do believe it was a blessing that I am who I am today but, I don’t believe I’m luckily.
“To move past something, you must conquer your own demons and repay for everything you did wrong, once that happens you will surely know what it is to breathe and feel the air go through your lungs; that is when you know you have survived and you are once again alive.” Said by me, a rape survivor named Nadine.