Intimate relationships can bring about life’s greatest rewards. But a marriage or long-term relationship that’s in trouble can be a source of chronic pain and stress. Whether you’re facing a major problem such as infidelity or addiction or just looking for a mediator who can help you better manage conflict, couples therapy can help you dramatically improve your relationship.
But a bad therapist can do substantial harm and may even convince you that a perfectly fixable relationship is irretrievably broken. Here are some things to consider when choosing a counselor for you and your partner.
Commitment
Every relationship has a different level of commitment. People who are dating may be willing to end the relationship if things get too challenging, and even some married couples are willing to move on if the relationship is severely broken. For some couples, though, ending the relationship is not an option.
It’s vitally important to choose a couples therapist who shares your approach to commitment. Some therapists are highly individual-oriented, which means they will prioritize the well-being of individuals over the relationship, and may encourage you to end the relationship if it is interfering with other areas of your life.
If you’re committed to working things out no matter what, though, it’s important that you choose a therapist who shares this orientation and who understands that ending the relationship is not an option.
Values
It’s always important to choose a therapist who shares your most cherished values. A dedicated atheist, for example, is unlikely to do well under the direction of a therapist who incorporates religion into sessions. But when there are two people involved in therapy, it’s even more important to share values with the therapist, because the therapist can help you stay focused on your shared values as a couple.
If gender equality is extremely important to you, a therapist who endorses a more traditional marriage is unlikely to work. Such a therapist may not understand conflicts over chores or time spent with children. Similarly, if your political values are an important part of daily life, it’s wise to choose a therapist who can relate to them.
Fairness
Sometimes problems in a relationship really are primarily the fault of one partner. Examples include verbal or physical abuse or addiction. But in most cases, there’s plenty of blame to go around, and a therapist who can relate to and be objective with both parties is the ticket to functioning couples therapy. If your therapist seems to blame one party more than the other, or if one partner feels that the therapist is “against” him or her, you’re unlikely to stick with therapy in the long haul.
Unless you’re dealing with a severe problem caused by one partner, it’s a good idea to choose a therapist who specializes specifically in couples therapy. Practitioners who specialize in, say, domestic violence or women’s issues may view therapy solely through these lenses and have difficulty relating to both partners.
Progress
Once you’ve settled on a therapist, the key criterion by which you must judge her is the progress you are making. If you find that you’re fighting more fairly and working past issues, this is a good sign. If, however, therapy becomes a weapon — “This is just what the therapist said you’d do!” — and things are getting worse, it’s time to find someone new.
This isn’t to say that therapy is always easy. Conflict may temporarily increase and you might find yourself discussing some extremely difficult issues with your spouse. But if things aren’t getting better after a few months, move on. Not every therapist is a good match for every marriage.
Sources:
Doherty, W. J. (n.d.). Bad couples therapy: How to avoid it. Smart Marriages. Retrieved from
http://www.smartmarriages.com/badcouples.doherty.html
Miller, R. S., Perlman, D., Brehm, S. S. (2007). Intimate relationships. Boston, MA: McGraw-Hill Higher Education.
Edited by Jody Smith