Most people get pre-wedding jitters. Maybe even a doubt or two.
If we're seriously investing in a marriage, we want it to last. We care more about the marriage than the wedding.
We need to make sure we can remain faithful -- sexually, emotionally and financially -- to our spouse. Do we want children, and do we agree on how to raise them?
Some of these jitters are fine -- in fact, they're important.
Marriage should be a serious thing and walking into it blindly is a really bad idea. Making sure that all the fundamentals are in place before the big day can pay off in the form of a long and happy union.
But doubts -- real doubts -- about marriage before taking the actual step require less time worrying about centerpieces and favors (two things I've never recalled from any wedding I've ever been to!) and far more time reflecting on marital expectations, both with the woman on her own, and with her partner.
In a new study, researchers found that women who have doubts before marriage are at greater risk of divorce than men who may have doubts.
According to research from UCLA that has been published in the Journal of Family Psychology it's women in particular who might face divorce if they have these doubts, rather than men.
UCLA researchers studied the marriage outcomes of over 200 couples in California and found that women who had these doubts were 2.5 times more likely to divorce within four years than women who didn't have these kinds of jitters.
While the men interviewed were more likely to have jitters (47 percent of them compared to 38 percent of women), it was the female concern that proved divorce more likely to happen.
Here are other findings from the study:
36 percent of the couples had doubt-free days or weeks leading up to their wedding. Only 6 percent of them were divorced within four years.
10 percent of couples where just the man had had doubts became divorced within four years.
18 percent of couples where just the woman had doubts became divorced within the same period.
20 percent of couples where both had had doubts became divorced within four years.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/49036430/ns/health-womens_health/t/womans-pr...
One way for couples to work through feelings of doubt before marriage is to attend pre-marriage counseling -- something mandated in certain religions and for very good reason.
Couples talk through their financial health, their faith and cultural systems, their expectations for marriage and whether they are interested in having children so there are no huge surprises as the marriage progresses.
Unless they complete a full course of pre-marriage counseling, they are not allowed to marry in the faith. These pre-marriage counseling courses are a great way to clarify each person's wishes for the marriage.
Like for anything else -- our health, cars and homes -- maintenance is essential in a marriage relationship. Therefore some couples wisely choose to attend occasional or sporadic therapy sessions to have a marital "checkup" to make sure all is well, even when happy.
Problems can be aired before a neutral third party professional who can help a couple maintain good marital health. If we do this with our bodies and cars and homes, it makes good sense to do it with our marriages.
But once the foundations of marriage show cracks, it's still not too late. An EmpowHER article suggests that therapy is a good idea when a person is having:
• Communication problems
• Sexual difficulties
• Conflicts about raising children, or blended families
• Substance abuse
• Financial problems
• Anger
• Infidelity
• Divorce
• Domestic abuse (don’t be afraid to seek emergency support from a shelter or police)
https://www.empowher.com/wellness/content/marriage-counseling-advocacy-s...
The vast majority of people (we hope) go into marriage looking at it as a long-term commitment, especially if there are children involved.
Be aware of internal voices that tell us to slow down and reevaluate an upcoming marriage, and by asking some honest questions, and providing honest answers, a happy marriage can be anyone's reality.
Sources:
MSNBC.COM. Health. Women's Health. "Woman's pre-wedding jitters linked to higher divorce rates. Web Sept. 23, 2012"
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/49036430/ns/health-womens_health/t/womans-pr...
EmpowHER.com. Wellness. Marriage Counseling Advocacy Sheet. Web Sept. 23, 2012.
https://www.empowher.com/wellness/content/marriage-counseling-advocacy-s...
Reviewed September 24, 2012
by Michele Blacksberg RN
Edited by Jody Smith