People ask me about sex every week, and they usually expect a straight answer. I’m more likely to talk about the question, which typically reveals a lot about the assumptions, history, and agenda of the person asking it.
My intention is more than simply giving information. I want to enhance people’s Sexual Intelligence—helping them see sex as being about more than penises, vaginas, and orgasms. There are people attached to those body parts we’re all so fascinated with, and that’s where my answers often start—with people.
Here are a few questions men ask me week after week.
Q:
What do women want in sex?
A:
That’s like asking “what do women want in food?”
We can answer in a general sense: something that tastes good, is the right temperature for the food (burger hot, ice cream cold, bread in-between), is clean and looks nice.
Is that any help at all? Does that tell you what kind of food a particular woman wants, the kinds of places she likes to eat, and whether she prefers a margarita or a glass of milk? Does it tell if she’s a vegetarian, or if she’s on a diet? No.
If you want to know what women want from sex, it’s pretty much what men want: a combination of pleasure and closeness. A sense of being special, of being desired, and of being able to say yes when she wants to say yes, and no when she wants to say no—without drama. And while this is all accurate, you really need much more information, right?
So if the question is “what does this particular woman want in sex,” I suggest you ask the world’s expert on what she wants. And that isn’t me, or other sex therapists, or your sister or ex-wife.
It’s the woman herself. What does she want in sex? I don’t know—I suggest you ask. And then listen.
Q:
Other than Viagra, how can I make sure I’m always hard when I want to be?
A:
You can’t. Good news: you don’t need to be.
People can have perfectly fine sex without erections. Just as importantly, every man and woman has to learn how to enjoy sex without erections because sooner or later, that’s exactly the position you’ll find yourself in. Lots of things undermine or prevent erections—too much alcohol or drugs, anxiety, concerns about contraception, physical pain, the side effects of common medications (such as anti-depressants), emotions like guilt, shame, fear, sadness, or anger. Hearing the words “Omigod I think I hear my husband coming up the stairs” is a guaranteed erection-killer.
If you want to conceive, intercourse is pretty important. But 99 percent of the sex in the world tonight is not intended to create a pregnancy, making intercourse unnecessary. That’s good, because intercourse is the only kind of sex that requires an erection, the only kind that requires birth control, and for many women it doesn’t lead to an orgasm.
Erections are not a goal of sex, they are simply a means to an end—pleasure and closeness. Learn how to create pleasure and closeness without an erection, and you maximize--not guarantee, just maximize—the chances of getting one.
Q:
A vibrator! She brought home a vibrator. What, I’m not good enough?
A:
I guess you don’t realize this is good news. First, she wants more out of her sexual relationship. That’s great. Second, she feels comfortable about touching herself and deliberately pursuing pleasure. Third, she’s willing to include you in her exploration and (or else she wouldn’t have told you about the vibrator).
Now it’s your turn. Look at her soon and say these words: “Honey, I’m pleased you want even more out of our sex together. When would you like us to try out our new toy? I’m excited to find out exactly what you like.”
Vibrators still don’t kiss, hug, or wash dishes, so assuming you do each of those things, you should be irreplaceable for at least a few more years.