I am in my early 40s and I have been dating a man in his middle 50s for five years now. When we both met, I was having complications in my second marriage, to a man a few months older than him. I will be honest, I had a couple affairs before meeting my boyfriend-and one of them was also the same age. I know it was wrong of me to do but at the time, I was begging for that "in love again" feeling, and I got sex and love mixed up. I was molested as a child by my father, a man who was supposed to love me-so I suppose I got it mixed up in my head that sex meant love. I figured that if I gave in to what the other men wanted, they would love me. I found that so untrue and realized that some men were just after that-sex and not wanting to start a relationship. I have since divorced him (we still remain friends) but I don't feel as bad because I have recently found out that he cheated on me as well, because I wasn't having sex with him because I didn't feel the "passion" in it like you would in a new affair). I didn't enjoy the sex, I enjoyed the attention I got from it. I divorced the first marriage due to abuse and so I guess I was wanting to feel loved all the time.
When I met my boyfriend, we rushed into the passion and used to have sex several times a week. We broke up for a while because at first I don't think he was in love with me, or was scared to fall in love. When we got back together, he admitted of being in love with me, and I really felt that he was the one for me. We are both musicians and play the same instrument, and upon meeting, neither of us knew this. We also have a lot more in common, so I knew he was my soul mate. The second round of our relationship was so different. I felt his love for me. We made love regularly and everything seemed perfect. Then the sex started slowing down. Twice a week, to once, to once every two weeks, to once a month, to every three months to even 8 months! Now at first I thought well, it was the occasional cocaine we did while trying to lose weight. Before you judge us, let me tell you that we are not druggies, but we did small hits every so often to curb our appetite. If we didn't have it, we didn't sell our valuables or spend our life savings on it. When we would put money up here and there and saved up and a little went a long way. I remembered that it turned him off but it turned me on-so he wouldn't touch it before we had sex. But we still had sex. And besides, we haven't done it in a couple years. Then I thought it was his work schedule and lack of sleep. When his schedule was cut, nothing changed for the better for me. Then I thought it was his weight-because my ex, who is same age, was very fit and active and then I would feel depressed cause I dated another man same age, who was heavier than him-with all sorts of health problems and this man had ED issues due to the meds he took for hypertension and he was a musician but this man used to want to have sex after his gig, and even though he didn't stay erect long, he had intercourse with me and used to perform cunnilingus to try to please me. I then remembered that my bf needed me to arouse him by masturbating him some, but he still had sex then. I tried letting him initiate it-perhaps he wanted to be in control and will want me. That is when I would wait with no results. I tried dressing sexier, dressing in outfits I know he thinks is sexy, wearing pheromones, throwing sexual hints to him about places I wanted to make love at-nothing. I arouse him or perform cunnilingus on him and he makes an excuse not to. I try to talk to him about it, but he doesn't want to talk about drama. I am bi polar and suffer depression and so I end up crying and or angered and we fight. Oh boy that is a turn off. He says I turn him off when I act out. I am frustrated-do you blame me??? It's like he is using sex as punishment. I be honest with you, I don't orgasm during sex. I only had one orgasm through intercourse (without masturbating at same time) and once during oral. I think it has to do with the molestation. I am the only one that can satisfy myself sexually. I masturbate regularly and still want him to make love to me. So I did the wrong again. I went out and had sex with two old flames couple times last year (we only did it three times last year). I cried after the first time I did this. After a couple times of this, I realized that I left unsatisfied. I still wanted my guy. They satisfied the feeling desires part, but not the emotional part that only my man can satisfy. I realized that I wanted to feel wanted and desired by my man-the man I am still in love with, even after five years. This is a first for me. I normally would fall in love, and after awhile fall out of love because they no longer made me feel in love. My bf tells me daily he loves me. He holds my hand, cuddles with me, kisses me, touches me and all. I know he loves me. He isn't cheating on me either-but I get jealous if he so much as compliments other women because I feel like I don't attract him, even though he tells me all the time how beautiful I am. He in turn gets mad because there are several men that is waiting for me and him to break up. He says I want attention and try to get them to want me. That is so not true. Yes, I love the attention, who wouldn't?? But I want him to feel like he is the lucky one that has me. He also says that I complained about how he made love to me. No that is not true. I would get upset because he didn't climax and I felt that I didn't satisfy him. I also got upset because I thought it would be fun to watch porn and then have sex, to spice things up. To watch THEN have sex. No, he would practically smother me with his body, blocking my view-watching what he wanted to watch-eyes glued to the screen. OK after awhile I began feeling like he was watching the girl get layed, while having sex with me-otherwards using my body to stimulation and fantasizing that he was doing her compliments of my vagina. I began getting jealous because of this and yes, I nicely told him it hurt and he got mad. BUT the last few times we did have sex I DID NOT complain. If he didn't climax, I figured at least he tried. I even told him to get out the porn and let him "use my body" again. I just feel like he is tired of my body and that he is tired of intimacy with me and that I don't turn him on naturally. I am hurt. I cry. I want to break up with him but I can't because I am in love with him. I don't want it every day nor every week. Once a month would please me knowing he wants me. I know I ruined things with my attitudes and stuff, but all I want is to feel wanted by the man I am in love with. I just can't seem to get him to understand. All I do is anger him. I pray he doesn't run across this during a search because he is so going to know it's me. Please what can I do or say (with out making him think I am being negative or dramatic) to make him desire me like he once did. How do I make it new again? How can I patch the bad parts I did to ruin things?? Sorry so long. I am hurting bad now.
Thank you!