On Valentine’s Day, we buy cards, flowers, and chocolate. We take the time to celebrate with our loved ones and tell them how much they mean to us. However, there is one person that many of us tend to forget about on Valentine’s Day: ourselves. So, this Valentine’s Day, these 3 tips will help you strengthen your relationship with yourself.
1. Don’t victimize yourself
How many times have you heard Valentine’s Day called “Singles Awareness Day?” With the jewelry, chocolate, and flower commercials, Valentine’s Day can make single people feel left out. However, even with all this external influence, we are the ones making ourselves feel that way.
This is equally true for people in relationships. We fantasize about the perfect Valentine’s Day, but rarely experience it. We then blame ourselves, or our kids, or our partner for not living up to the vision that we created in our minds.
Dr. Tracy Thomas, psychologist and lover of life, says the worst thing we do to ourselves is making ourselves the victim. “Women traumatize themselves and make up entire storylines about what they should have. If they don’t have that ‘thing,’ their life becomes about what they lack.” Dr. Thomas said, “Dropping social comparisons as a form of self-torture is the first step to a healthy relationship with yourself.”
This Valentine’s Day, don’t think about what you don’t have, whether it’s a perfect relationship or a significant other. It’s time we stop letting advertising dictate what it is we want out of our lives and making us feel like we’re missing out on something spectacular in the form of a box of chocolates.
2. Take time to be alone
One of the things I am often told when talking about self-love is to do things that make me happy. But, for many, this is easier said than done. Some of us just haven’t learned what it is that makes us feel complete. Trips to the spa and being pampered can be nice, but it doesn’t do much to increase our long-term self-esteem.
In fact, psychologist Jennifer Crocker, PhD, found that "People who base their own self-worth on what others think and not on their value as human beings might pay a mental and physical price." Her research suggests that those who focus on external sources to increase their feelings of self-worth may be more likely to develop stress, anger, and relationship issues.
Skip the spa and sit in a quiet room and reflect. Let your mind wander to happy moments in your life. Dr. Thomas recommends exploring your entire life, not just the past few months or the last three years. Think about your childhood best friend, your favorite stuffed animal, or the book that made you an avid reader. Each of these things can lead us to little moments of self-discovery that will eventually lead to self-love.
3. Be your own Valentine
Even if you have big plans with your hubby on Valentine’s Day, you can still be your own Valentine! At the end of the day, whether you’re in a committed relationship or not, you have to be able to rely on yourselves as your main source of love. If we can’t wake up in the morning and love ourselves, how are we ever going to show someone else how to love us?
Laura Yamin, blogger and lifestyle coach, says, “Relationships are mirrors of our life. They can reflect back the inner peace, the internal chaos or drama we are living in.” This is especially true when it comes to the relationship we have with the person in the mirror.
To see love in all areas of our life, we have to start with ourselves. Do everything for yourself on Valentine’s Day that you would want done for yourself. Get that perfect bouquet of flowers sent to the office or head out to your local theater to see that new movie you’ve been trying to get your partner to go to. It may feel strange to be alone with yourself, but it is the first step to creating a happier and more self-loving you.
You can have a great Valentine’s Day filled with love, regardless of your relationship status; the choice is completely up to you. It is possible to see past the commercial hype and do things for yourself that focus on the true nature of the holiday: love. So, this “Singles Awareness Day,” use these three tips to love that one person who knows you best.
Sources:
Campell, W. Keith, Craig A Foster, Eli J. Finkel. “Does Self-Love Lead to Love for Others? A Story of Narcissistic Game Playing.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. 2002, Vol 83, No. 2, 340-354.
http://wkeithcampbell.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/Campbelletal_2002_JPSP.pdf
Crocker, Jennifer, Amara T. Brook, Yu Niiya, and Mark Villacorta. “The Pursuit of Self-Esteem: Contingencies of Self-Worth and Self-Regulation.” Journal of Social Issues. University of Michigan’s Institute for Social Research. December, 2002. Vol. 33, No. 11. 16.
http://www.apa.org/monitor/dec02/selfesteem.aspx
Thomas, Dr. Tracy. (2014, February 11). Telephone interview.
http://www.drtracythomas.com
Yamin, Laura. (2014, February 9). E-mail interview.
http://www.laurayamin.com
Reviewed February 13, 2014
by Michele Blacksberg RN
Edited by Jody Smith