Sending the Wrong Message to our Kids
Parents often mistake their child’s misbehavior and an intentional or unintentional attempt by their children to hurt them or outright disobey. In my article The Truth about Defiance and Rudeness in Children I talked about the fact that this actual thought may not have even entered the child's mind.
When parents misread their child’s behavior as a personal attack on their authority, this can spell disaster for the parent/child relationship.
Instead of a child learning how to deal in a healthy way with her emotions, stress or experience, she will only learn how to emotionally and destructively overreact or not react at all.
Rules, Rules, Rules versus Leniency Parenting Styles
A rigid parenting style — discipline, discipline, discipline — will not allow your child to learn to make her own decisions.
A too-lenient parenting style does not provide enough structure for children to learn the right way to behave, and when there’s not enough structure children gain control. (2)
But what should you say or do when your child is “pushing your buttons” seemingly in full awareness of what she’s doing? What if she's screaming, “I hate you! You’re being mean to me!” or calling you names?
4 Steps to Resolving Disrespectful and Rude Behavior in Children
James Lehman, developer of the Total Transformation Program, recommends several things that parents can do.
First of all, breathe. Breathing deeply can distract you from your feelings and frustration and allow you to calm down and react rationally. “That small action is going to let some of the anger subside and might allow you to respond rather than react.” (2)
Second, remember that you’re the adult, the mature one and you are dealing with someone who’s less mature and less capable of dealing with their emotions, and the rules of the world around them than you are.
If you want your child to develop good ways of dealing with her emotions, you need to demonstrate that to your child in those moments. Tell your child directly that you don’t like their behavior, using a calm, even tone, and not screaming or yelling at them.
Third, remember that it’s not all about you. Your child is likely struggling with accepting and abiding by some limits. Figuring out what that is and showing, instructing and empowering your child how to handle that limit or boundary better will often resolve the situation.
There may be other triggers that are prompting your child’s behavior. Find out what they are.
Also, recognize the triggers in yourself for overreacting — fatigue, stress, time frame, work deadlines, activity level — and find ways to mitigate your own issues, including knowing when to walk away and come back to it later.
“[T]here’s a misconception that if a consequence isn’t given immediately after your child misbehaves, the teaching moment has been lost—and sometimes, it’s better to do that when everyone is calm.” (2)
Fourth, focus on the behavior, not the emotions. “[I]nstead of asking yourself why your child won’t do what you want them to do, ask ‘What behavior would I like to see changed?’” (2)
Many of our children’s issues are expectations that we have for ways we’d like them to behave, but we’ve never told our children what we expect.
Explain the rule to them, explain to them what kind of behavior or response is appropriate or right, then you can use that as a teaching lesson. “Remember, we talked about this. What did we say we were going to do instead of …?”
It’s much easier to reinforce a rule or guideline when you’ve actually described it and instructed the child on how he or she can act it out.
James Lehman offers more insights and suggestions to the struggling parent on how to more successfully deal with a rude or defiant child.
To find out more, check out two of his articles on the subject:
Disrespectful Kids and Teens: 5 Rules to Help you Handle Their Behavior
and
Disrespectful Child Behavior? Don’t Take it Personally
Sources:
1) Ages & Stages: The Disobedient Child. HealthyChildren.org. Web. Accessed: Mar 10, 2014.
http://www.healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages/gradeschool/pages/The-Disobedient-Child.aspx
2) Disrespectful Child Behavior? Don’t Take it Personally. Banks, Carole. EmpoweringParents.com. Web. Accessed: Mar 10, 2014.
http://www.empoweringparents.com/do-you-personalize-your-childs-behavior-when-he-disobeys-you.php#
3) Disrespectful Kids and Teens: 5 Rules to Help You Handle Their Behavior. Lehman, Janet. EmpoweringParents.com. Web. Accessed: Mar 10, 2014.
http://www.empoweringparents.com/disrespectful-kids-and-teens-5-rules-to-help-you-handle-their-behavior.php
4) What to Do When Kids Talk Back. Reece, Tamekia. Parents.com. Web. Accessed: Mar 10, 2014.
http://www.parents.com/kids/problems/rebel/kids-talk-back
5) The Truth about Defiance and Rudeness in Children. Empowher.com.
https://www.empowher.com/parenting/content/truth-about-defiance-and-rudeness-children
Reviewed March 13, 2014
by Michele Blacksberg RN
Edited by Jody Smith