Dysfunctional relationships are hazardous to your health. I have been living in the middle of one since I was a child, so I can say that through first-hand experience. My father and I had a dysfunctional relationship. I say “had” because he passed away earlier this year and we had never resolved the issues between us.
Thanks to my dear friend Dr. Marilyn Murray, who is an internationally recognized psychotherapist, I am starting to figure things out.
Here is some of what I’ve learned along the way. What is working for me may not be a perfect fit for you. But I hope you can gain some wisdom from what I’ve learned and maybe skip over some of the pain by hearing about my journey.
You can’t just blow off a dysfunctional relationship. You may think you are living with it just fine. But you are really just stuffing down the resentment and hurt and pain. At some point in your life you are going to regurgitate all that emotional baggage, and the results won’t be pretty.
How do you know if you are in a dysfunctional relationship? Start by looking at what is important to you as a step toward evaluating what you need from a relationship. Dr. Murray coached me to examine what things are non-negotiable components in any relationship in my life by making a list.
My list shows I want to be around people who are honest, have integrity, are fun-loving and care for other people. Things that are important to me include helping others, my personal image including my clothes, and being secure. Security actually came up on my list three times!
Once I was done listing things that are important in my life, Dr. Murray had me circle my top three. I chose order, perfection (yes, I am a perfectionist!) and image. What people perceive about me is often more important to me than what is going on under the surface.
Dr. Murray tells me my circled items show that I am actually very insecure. And that can lead me to seek out more security in the form of people who are similar to my dad, even though my relationship with him was not good. I guess at 54 years-old it’s about time I figure out why so many of my relationships have been rocky!
Learn how to set boundaries. Dr. Murray helped me recognize that while I may give the pretense of setting a boundary, when the other person challenges it I cave in every time. That’s not healthy for me or for the relationship. I threaten consequences, but I don’t follow through. Since I don’t take my own boundaries seriously, I give others the opportunity not to take me seriously.
All this is to say that it is much too easy for me to give in to a dysfunctional relationship rather than addressing what is really going on. I am finally stepping back and evaluating what makes a relationship healthy for me.
There is no one right answer. What works for me may not help you. But I have learned that the longer you wait, the more the internal pressure builds. It’s like living inside a pressure cooker. If you don’t vent the steam and relieve the pressure, you are eventually going to blow and your health may take the hit through increased stress and even increased risks for heart attacks and other serious conditions.
My advice? Don’t let it go for that long. Open the lines of communication and don’t back down. Don’t just look at the superficial exterior of a relationship. Dig deeper to see how you really relate to this person and decide whether the relationship is healthy or not.
Every relationship has two sides. The men in my life say I am impossible to live with, and they are probably right. I am such a perfectionist that no one can live up to my standards, including me!
I have learned that I can’t force the people around me to change. I can only change myself. So when I discover that a relationship is not healthy, I have two choices. I can make changes to my side to try to fix it – whether that means setting boundaries or speaking up or changing the things I do that drive the other person crazy – or I can move on.
Whatever you do, don’t give up on yourself. It’s too easy to give in and go back to what is familiar. I have decided that I deserve better, and I believe you do, too. Find your own balance that will let you be happy in your relationships.
And don’t try to do it all alone. I turned to Dr. Marilyn Murray as a professional counselor to help me get started. Now I am learning to let my friends and family in on the secret – I’m not really perfect. Doing the work is hard but in the end it's all worth it. I'm starting to feel really good about myself for the first time in my life.