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The epidemiology of domestic abuse has thankfully become a topic for research and the focus of mainstream media attention for a long time. According to the
Bureau of Justice Statistics with the U.S. Department of Justice, a staggering 95 per cent of all victims of domestic abuse are women. The same source says
503,485 American women are stalked by an intimate partner each year (based on data collected in the year 2000) and that women are 5 to 8 times more likely
than men to be victimized by someone they’re intimately close to.
That being said, it’s important to note that domestic abuse can take on a wide range of forms. Physical violence and sexual abuse are major issues, whose
impact and causes still require research and action; however, domestic abuse also comports the more insidious aspects of mental abuse. Mental abuse in a
domestic partnership can range from slurs and other behaviors aimed at causing anguish, and it also includes financial abuse. In the United States, male to
female income disparity (otherwise known as the income gender gap) stood at 0.81 in 2010 – which means that female full-time, year-round employees made
$34,700 on average that year, while their male counterparts made $42,800. Women still make less than men do and they’re more likely to be the victims of
abuse, so if they also happen to get caught up in a financially abusive relationship, they become doubly vulnerable. But what constitutes as financial abuse and
what can you do to prevent it from happening to you?
The 7 telling signs of financial abuse
1. The forced family
Starting a family is not the kind of decision anyone should impose on anybody else – yet it can and it does happen in abusive relationships. Essentially, women
who are pregnant every other year, not by choice, but because this decision is forced onto them, have their odds of returning to the workforce by every year
they spend pregnant and then caring for the newborn baby. The cost of childcare also confounds this financially abusive situation further and makes the woman
financially dependent on her partner. Not only does she lose her own independence, but she is also forced into a family arrangement in which the lives and
wellbeing of the children depend on her partner.
2. The forced career
Much like the situation described above, this is also a scenario in which the financially abusive partner decides for the abused one. Typically, the woman finds
herself in a position in which her career path of choice is denied by her partner – either because the partner doesn’t regard the career in question financially
rewarding enough, or because, on the contrary, the abuser doesn’t want the woman to attain financial independence. In many such situations, women are forced
to remain stay-at-home moms, or they work part time, alongside their partners. If they do have a full-time job, they can also find themselves sabotaged by
their spouses and made to choose between the job and the relationship.
3. Tracked spending
Domestic financial abusers, like all other abusers in intimate relationship, are often prompted by a need for complete control. That’s why many of them resort to
tracking every single cent spent by their wives/girlfriends. Imagine having to account for absolutely every single penny spent, under threat of more physical or
mental abuse. Imagine having to beg for cash for grocery, transportation, and other basic necessities. This can happen in relationships in which the woman has
some financial independence – but is made to share all her earnings with her spouse, but it’s much more likely to occur in households in which the
partner/spouse is the single income earner.
4. No financial independence for you
Financial independence, and a lack thereof, is one of the major determinants of financially abusive relationships. Being denied such autonomy means that you
have no access to your own bank accounts, are not allowed to carry cards of any kind (debit or credit) and are tracked so that you can’t save a dime into a
savings account. All your money comes from a single source: the income-earning spouse. Needless to say, such situations lead to complete dependence on the
partner. Women reduced to these scenarios become entirely reliant on their spouses and are forced to live from one day to the next, regardless of whether or
not they have a job and are actually making some money for themselves.
5. No financial independence for your partner
The converse situation is the one in which the spouse/live-in boyfriend/partner refuses to take a job. This might lead you to believe that the woman of the
household is in financial control – but this is never the case in financially abusive relationship. If you find yourself paying all the bills and taking care of all the
expenses, then you’re being abused. How so? You’re essentially working for someone else and will never get to enjoy the results of your work, until you leave
the relationship.
6. Communication cut-offs
Since financial abuse is about complete control, women who are subjected to such treatment are usually denied outside communication. Perhaps you’ve already
realized you’re being abused in one way or another – either because you’re not allowed to have a job and money of your own, or because all your money is
being spent by someone else. Perhaps you’d like to talk about that with friends or family, but your communication is being strictly tracked and observed by your
partner. You can’t reach out to anyone, because your partner fears someone might convince you to turn your situation around.
7. Breakup blackmail
Sadly, this is usually the most dramatic part of financial abuse. Once a woman has been reduced to complete financial dependence on their husband, they will
often be threatened with a breakup. Abusive partners resort to this, because they know women have no means to sustain themselves and make ends meet on
their own. If you’re being threatened like this, it’s important to remember that you can always take action and find an escape, no matter how dire the situation
may seem at first glance.
Avoiding financial abuse: What to do
• Break the abuse chain. Leave, as soon as you can, once you’ve realized you’re being abused. You might want to hold on to the hope that the
relationship can work out – unfortunately, they usually never do. A healthy relationship requires a balance of financial power, which you are clearly being denied.
• Save as little or as much as you can. Saving can be next to impossible, if all your expenditure is being closely controlled, but set aside every penny
you can and open a secret bank account. Ask your friends and family to donate to that account, in order to help you (re)build your financial independence. You can read more about planning ahead here and figure out if such a plan can materialize into your lifeline for escaping the financially abusive relationship.
(Re)build your career. Go to vocational school in secret. Try to get a secret part-time job. Look into government programs for assistance. Tell your
abusive partner you’re volunteering and get a paid job like babysitting or pet walking as you plan your escape.
Linda Jenkins is a trained therapist who volunteers with a not-for-profit organization dedicated to helping victims of abusive relationships.
She believes anyone can rebuild their life and recommends life insurance as a future-proofing financial solution for reintegrated victims of abuse.