How much are you a product of your past? Sounds like a silly question, doesn’t it? Each of us is affected by where we grew up, where we fall in the birth order and whether we were popular or not in school. Maybe a better question is – how much do you have to be a product of your past? Are you locked in to a particular life because of things that you did or things that were done to you?
That’s more to the point, especially for me lately as I’m trying to deal with the final chapter of my dysfunctional relationship with my father. All my life I’ve been locked into the roles that were set up between us when I was a child. Now that he’s gone I’m finally realizing that the choices I made in how I responded to our relationship played a huge part in making me the person I am today.
I keep coming back to the idea of living my own truth. I’ve always wanted to be the best that I can be. But I didn’t see how my dysfunctional relationship with my father was limiting my ability to succeed.
I’ve spent a lot of years trying to be perfect all the time. I put a lot of effort and energy into trying to reach that impossible goal! I’m not saying I’ve gotten over wanting to be perfect. But I have realized that just because something was important for me in the past doesn’t mean I have to keep doing it in the future.
Don’t get me wrong. Change is hard work and it doesn’t give you rewards overnight, but it can be life-altering work. So if you are not happy with where your life is right now, you can decide to make a change.
I believe God has a plan for every one of us. Sometimes the biggest challenge is getting out of the way so it can be fulfilled! I have finally realized that I will never reach my full potential in life if I keep dragging along all the baggage from my past, including my relationship with my father and my own impossible benchmark of perfection.
Even knowing that I will be better and stronger and more fulfilled when I release the past, it is hard to move away from what is familiar – even if the familiar is dysfunctional. My good friend Dr. Marilyn Murray is an internationally recognized psychotherapist. She has been working with me to reevaluate all my relationships to help me move forward instead falling back into my “valley of despair”.
I can finally see that despite all my years wanting to move forward, I just kept sliding back into my comfort zone, even when it wasn’t comfortable. I knew my life wasn’t working the way I wanted it to, but I didn’t dig down far enough to understand what wasn’t working. I just internalized the pain and put on a good face for the world.
My hysterectomy is a perfect example. My health completely crashed when my hormone levels bottomed out following that surgery. But I bottled it up and didn’t talk about it, even to my doctors. So all they saw was that I looked great. There’s that perfectionist streak getting in the way again!
The reality was on the inside I was going crazy. I didn’t want to get out of bed and actually thought about committing suicide – all because my hormones were so out of whack. But even at my lowest low, I was still managing my image so no one knew what was going on in my head.
Talk about self-destructive. I didn’t even have a functional relationship with myself! Thankfully, those days are in the past. It’s still hard to admit, but thanks to Dr. Murray I understand now that people actually respect me more when I share the truth. It’s okay to say I’m having a bad day. That was a revelation!
For too many years of my life, control took priority over balance. Now I finally see that although my past will always be a part of me, it doesn’t have to control the decisions I make moving forward. My outlook on life is brighter as I learn to focus more on the things that make me happy and the things that are fulfilling for me – like helping others avoid the mistakes I’ve already made.
If you are having trouble finding balance, dealing with a dysfunctional relationship or experiencing a health problem, I encourage you to talk about it with a therapist.
I also urge you to join a group on EmpowHER so you and others who are feeling like you can help each other. Everyone deserves to be heard and have a community of support. When you share your personal health story with us you can aid your own healing and you may help someone else in the process.