I recently read a question posted on a parenting site by a mother asking about the right way to punish her child. That question conjured up a rather negative picture in my mind, although I assume she meant “discipline.”
It occurred to me that many parents likely get the terms discipline and punishment confused. They’re often used interchangeably, but they really mean two totally different things.
We’re going to explore the differences in a little more detail.
In the Heat of the Moment
I’m sure all of us can think of a moment – or perhaps several moments – when we’ve been frustrated with our children. They’ve spilled milk all over the floor. They refuse to pick up their toys even though you’ve asked nicely a hundred times. They do things that, frankly, make you wonder how they’re even your kids.
It’s in these situations that the difference between discipline and punishment becomes really clear. Whichever one you choose to use in the heat of the moment can either help your child learn appropriate behavior or kill her spirit and compromise the relationship between you and her with resentment, fear and deception.
Definition of Discipline
To discipline actually means to teach, guide and instruct. It focuses on correcting future actions and behaviors.
It really has nothing to do with punishment. Instead, it teaches your child life principles and how to behave or react appropriately in whatever situation she finds herself. Discipline is done out of love and concern and leaves the child with a sense of security.
Discipline often incorporates logical consequences which when used properly:
• Respect a child’s dignity
• Show a child how to correct his/her mistake
• Ensure internal understanding, self-control
• Show a child how to learn from their mistakes
• Result in a child’s desire to follow the rules because instruction is given in a supportive atmosphere. (2)
Lots of things can be implemented as logical consequences, or loss of privileges. Take the crayons away when a child throws them or refuses to put them away. Don't allow the child to play with a toy if she didn’t help tidy up from the day before. Don't go out for ice cream as you had planned because she ran away from you in the store.
Discipline focuses on the message that the behavior is a problem, not the child. With discipline, the belief is that teaching a child to reflect and practice appropriate behavior will result in children who actually want to do what’s right.
The tone of your voice is also critical in how you deliver discipline or punishment, and how the child distinguishes between the two. If you’re giving instructions but you use an angry or punitive tone, the child will perceive that as punishment, not a logical consequence. (2)
Definition of Punishment
By contrast, punishment is something that is triggered by our emotions -- often hostility, frustration and anger -- over something that has happened.
Punishment focuses on past behavior and penalizes a child for something she’s done wrong. With the focus on the past and behavior a child can’t actually go back and fix or undo, punishment results in feelings of fear and guilt. (3)
Punishment, particularly physical punishment, has been shown to elicit negative feelings in children, especially distress, anger, fear, shame, discouragement, resentment and disgust. It crushes a child’s sense of interest and enjoyment of an activity and of involvement with you, her parents. (1,2)
The philosophy behind using punishment is that children will comply out of fear of being punished and will stop the unwanted behavior to avoid being punished. (2)
While punishment may temporarily stop the misbehavior, it does nothing to teach the child responsibility for her actions or behavior. Instead it can result in children being evasive and deceptive regarding any future similar behavior. (2)
One thing that will spell disaster in the relationship between you and your child is this loss of trust that your child has in you, and the feeling that they have to lie and hide things from you.
As you can see, there is quite a difference between discipline and punishment. They are not at all the same thing and we, as parents, need to be really careful which one we use.
In my article Effective Discipline Strategies: Teach and Instruct, not Punish, I've laid out some options for parents.
Sources:
1) Effective Alternatives to Physical Punishment: The View From Psychoanalysis and Infant and Child Development. Holinger, Paul C. M.D. Psychology Today. Web. Accessed: Sept 7, 2014.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/great-kids-great-parents/200909/effective-alternatives-physical-punishment-the-view-psychoanaly
2) Punishment vs. Logical Consequences. Responsive Classroom. Web. Accessed: Sept 7, 2014.
https://www.responsiveclassroom.org/article/punishment-vs-logical-consequences
3) Punishment Versus Discipline. Ingram, Chip. Focus on the Family. Web. Accessed: Sept 7, 2014.
http://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/effective_biblical_discipline/effective-child-discipline/punishment-versus-discipline.aspx
Reviewed September 12, 2014
by Michele Blacksberg RN
Edited by Jody Smith