Caught in the Repeat Cycle
How many parents ask themselves this question on a daily -- or, more likely -- moment-to-moment basis?
A typical “repeat myself” scenario may look something like this:
Mom asks son to get his shoes on. Son continues to play video game.
Mom repeats the request. Child protests, “Just a few more minutes.”
Mom reinforces instructions a little louder and adds, “Now!”
Child keeps playing. Mom yells, and takes controller away and points to the door. Child still doesn’t go directly to his shoes.
Yep, I have one of those children who is hard to direct and to get to focus on what needs to be done.
Unfortunately, I, too, am caught in this cycle that is actually teaching my child not to listen.
“By repeating the request, you are directly teaching them to tune [you] out. The child is learning that when you start talking you are going to say it two or three more times so they wait.” (3)
By not acting immediately to reinforce the instruction after the first time it’s given, children actually get the extra time at the activity they wanted. They know all they have to do is wait you out.
Children actually view repeated requests for them to stop it differently than parents do. Parents see each “Stop it” as a continuation of the first instruction. Children, however, see each requested “Stop it” as a single, random instruction. (2)
Tips to Break the Repeat Cycle: Move into Action Early, Give Yourself More Time
1) Move your action point to the beginning instead of the end.
Don’t wait until you bellow your child’s full name before doing something. “The way to teach a child to listen the first time you say something is to show them, consistently, that you’ll take action the minute they don’t listen.” (2)
2) Children will be children.
“Accept that at least initially, you may have to move into action and help them to listen. You may have to help them at first because together you’ve created the pattern of tuning out.” (3)
3) Avoid rushing by adding more time.
Many of these situations arise out of trying to cram too much into a short time frame so we can get to where we’re going quickly.
You need time to do the things you need to do, and that includes redirecting and reinforcing your instructions with your children, particularly in the initial stages of breaking the repeat cycle. Adding an extra 15 minutes to your day may be just the antidote to the stress in your morning.
Tips to Break the Repeat Cycle: Make Eye Contact, Keep Directions Short, Show Respect
4) Wait until you have your child’s full attention.
Make eye contact with your child before you speak. Don’t bark an instruction from across the room.
This is key to making sure your child actually hears you. You know what it’s like to be concentrating on something only to realize someone’s talking to you and you have no idea what they said.
5) Keep your words/sentences short.
Don’t give your child incentive to tune out by using words they don’t understand, or by lecturing. Keep your instructions specific and short, so they know what behavior or action you expect or are asking from them.
6) Respect your child’s point of view.
A little respect goes a long way. In the same way you don’t want to be interrupted when you’re in the last few pages of a book, your child doesn’t like being interrupted from his activity either. A little understanding like, “I know you’re having fun and I’m glad you’re enjoying that activity. We can come back to that later. Right now, I need you to…”
7) Tone of voice is crucial.
“No one wants to listen to someone who’s giving orders. In fact, it always stimulates resistance ... Instead, keep your tone warm. When possible, give choices ... If you really need it done now, phrase it as a command, but keep the warmth and empathy,” such as in Tip #6. (1)
Clinical Psychologist Dr. Laura Markham has a few more tips here.
Sources:
1) But How Do I Get my Kid to Listen?! Markham, Dr. Laura. AhaParenting.com. Web. Accessed: Sept 24, 2014.
http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/communication/How-get-kid-listen
2) Getting Kids to Cooperate Without Repeating Yourself. Life360 Inc. Web. Accessed: Sept 24, 2014.
https://www.life360.com/blog/getting-kids-to-cooperate-without-repeating-yourself
3) Want Kids to Listen? Stop Repeating Yourself! Hackney, Dr. Rene. Parenting playgroups/Parenting Answers. Web. Accessed: Sept 24, 2014.
http://parentingbydrrene.com/2012/03/01/want-kids-to-listen-stop-repeating-yourself
4) How to Give Clear Directions. Technical Assistance Center on Social Emotional Intervention for Young Children. Web. Accessed: Sept 24, 2014.
http://challengingbehavior.fmhi.usf.edu/do/resources/backpack.html?utm_source=TACSEI+%2526+CSEFEL+Updates&utm_campaign=93c471bf8d-TACSEI+and+CSEFEL+Updates_11.2013&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_d0f2aa9ad2-93c471bf8d-59664173
Reviewed September 26, 2014
by Michele Blacksberg RN
Edited by Jody Smith