Teens are notorious for being moody and testing mom's and dad’s patience. It’s tough to find the right balance between letting them go and discovering things for themselves, and protecting them from the world they think they’re able to handle.
It can be doubly difficult to maintain a relationship with your teen if their childhood has been full of insecurities.
So, how can we parents encourage a healthy relationship with our teen?
What to expect in the teen years
Even though teens become increasingly independent, it is still imperative that parents remain their teen’s emotional and moral compass. For teens to make the transition from dependence to independence and build successful relationships outside the family, they still rely on the solid, intimate relationships at home. (1)
It is becoming more common in our culture to allow teens to transfer their dependency from their family to others outside the family, which can have disastrous results.
Teens crave closeness and often sacrifice too much of themselves to find that connection with someone. The problem is that other teens and other adults may not able to give them the connection that they’re searching for. (1)
It’s also considered normal for teens to start pushing parents away. However, Dr. Laura Markham warns that pushing parents way is not a sign of healthy emotional development, and parents should not let a teen do so. It is actually a sign of a damaged relationship. (1)
Keys to open lines of communication with your teen
Key #1 – Be understanding:
Even if you don’t fully agree or quite comprehend what your teen is talking about, try to start all interactions with understanding. This means, imagining yourself in your teen’s shoes before explaining or suggesting changes to the situation or to how she’s handling it.
If your teen feels like she has to defend herself, she will not be open to hearing what you have to say.
Key #2 – Keep emotions out of interactions:
It is extremely difficult to do in the heat of the moment, but remind yourself that what your teen says or does is not a reflection on you, even though his behavior may affect you. (2)
You, as a parent, still have a job to do. That job is to guide him toward making better choices, enabling him to develop his own improved skill set. You can’t do that if you’re emotional.
Remember, too, that your teen may not be equipped to handle some of these situations or make decisions about some of these things on his own.
Sometimes our frustration comes from thinking, “He should know better.” But, remember, he’s still learning. He hasn’t got everything figured out yet.
Yelling at him for not handling something he’s not equipped to handle yet, won’t help. Teens still need to be taught and they’ll only be open to it if you keep your cool.
Key #3 – Instill confidence:
Your teen needs to know that you believe in him and are not mad at him for struggling with whatever issue he’s facing. Your teen might need you to provide a few options for what he can do, but ultimately let him make the decision, even if you have to guide that decision-making process (remember key #2).
This will increase your teen’s confidence in himself to handle the next situation better. (2)
Key #4 – Be available when your teen needs you:
This could be late at night or right after school. This shows your teen that he’s important to you and, believe it or not, teens still need this reassurance.
Don’t pressure them to talk because then your teen will clam up. If you’ve been understanding and shown your teen that you’re a good listener in the past, your teen will hopefully start talking when he feels comfortable.
Reinforce for your teen that you’re available for him and when he does call or text, make sure you keep that promise. (2) If your teen feels like other things are getting in between you and them, they’re going to look elsewhere for the emotional guidance/release they need.
Key #5 – Be authoritative not authoritarian:
Authoritative parenting requires a combination of understanding and firmness.
Your teen needs to be aware of the rules and the consequences of not following them. But your teen also needs to be in a supportive environment where he is allowed to develop and express his own views and individuality and be accepted for his differences.
Sources:
1) Staying Connecting to Your Teen. Markham, Dr. Laura. Aha! Parenting.com. Web. Accessed: Oct 20, 2014.
http://www.ahaparenting.com/ages-stages/teenagers/parent-teen-relationship
2) 5 Secrets for Communicating with Teenagers. Pincus, Debbie. EmpoweringParents.com. Web. Accessed: Oct 20, 2014.
http://www.empoweringparents.com/five-secrets-for-communicating-with-teenagers.php
3) Tips for Parents on Building Healthy Relationships with their Teenagers. Centre for Addiction and Mental Health. Web. Accessed: Oct 20, 2014.
http://www.camh.ca/en/hospital/health_information/for_parents/Pages/tips_parents_relationship_teens.aspx
Reviewed October 24, 2014
by Michele Blacksberg RN
Edited by Jody Smith